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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument

40 replies

Amyrosa · 03/06/2022 08:38

hello,

My partner is kicking off, saying he isnt spending the day with me and the children now.

he was in a "bantering" way (but says it all the time) that our daughter loves him way more than me. I then replied do you reckon. and he goes yeah way more why do you think she would love you more. I then said well you dont bite the hand that feeds you (I do everything for our kids) but I was saying it in a joking way.

well he then has gone mad. told me to fuck off, called me a cunt and said he isnt spending the day with us now and I've called him a shit dad (I didnt?)

I just said you must know that I do a lot if you've taken that comment so personally after you started the whole conversation with our daughter loves me more.

he has sulked back up to bed now feeling sorry for himself. I'm a bit confused.

OP posts:
Maybebabyno2 · 03/06/2022 08:41

Couldn't be with someone like this, maybe the initial joking but not the sulking when they don't like the joke turned back on them.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 03/06/2022 08:42

Is this language you normally use to each other “fuck off” and “cunt”? How do you feel about that? Was this in front if the children? He is annoyed at you so he is opting out of parenting and excluding the children. Is this normal in your relationship?

Original poster
Amyrosa · 03/06/2022 08:44

yes, I dont use that language but very normal for him.

And yes, the sulking is also very commonplace which means I end up looking after the children by myself. But he will then use whatever thing he is offended by that day to explain it away - today it will be well you called me a shit dad, even though I didnt and he initiated the whole "joke", so I went back to bed.

OP posts:
jubileetrain · 03/06/2022 08:47

I'm a bit confused.

I suspect that is what he was aiming for. Create a situation out of nothing, get you all confused to the point you don't challenge him and he gets to do whatever he pleases on the day he was meant to spend with you.

Topgub · 03/06/2022 08:47

So he has engineered an argument which allows him to get out of parenting?

Why are you putting up with this?

I'd go out for the day and leave the kids with him

I'd also be figuring out how to leave. I wouldnt pit up with being treated like that.

glamosaurus · 03/06/2022 08:49

Please don't stay with someone who speaks to you like that! He has no respect.

Original poster
Amyrosa · 03/06/2022 08:49

hes completely ignoring me now.

OP posts:
LimpBiskit · 03/06/2022 08:51

That's abusive language that I wouldn't tolerate, His sulking makes him sounds immature too and I'm afraid I'd be out of that relationship.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 03/06/2022 08:52

Sounds like a shit Dad, an abusive Dad and partner too.

youlightupmyday · 03/06/2022 08:54

Jesus. This is no way to live

ChiselandBits · 03/06/2022 09:00

Yep, I'd be getting myself showered and dressed, tell the kids it's a daddy day and pissing off out. If he's the 'best' parent, how can he possibly object? But then on my return I'd be making it clear that there'll be no next time if he actually wants this family intact. And mean it.

Testina · 03/06/2022 09:18

Amyrosa · 03/06/2022 08:44

yes, I dont use that language but very normal for him.

And yes, the sulking is also very commonplace which means I end up looking after the children by myself. But he will then use whatever thing he is offended by that day to explain it away - today it will be well you called me a shit dad, even though I didnt and he initiated the whole "joke", so I went back to bed.

So there you go - a a step ahead on many in an abusive relationship because you’ve already worked out what’s going on. He deliberately engineers an argument from nothing so he doesn’t have to parent.
I suggest you start looking at resources on abuse - Freedom Project online is a good place to start.

TheLadyDIdGood · 03/06/2022 09:19

Get ready, send your daughter to his room and go out for the day and block him on your phone so he can't ask you to return.

Bednobsbroomsticks · 03/06/2022 09:34

I wouldn't stay with a man who spoke to me like that. Sorry.

ManateeFair · 03/06/2022 11:57

You really have to ask if this is normal/OK?

There’s nothing confusing here. Your partner is a nasty piece of work who treats you like shit.

Original poster
Amyrosa · 03/06/2022 12:46

I dont think it is normal.

just dont have the energy today for him

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 03/06/2022 13:48

He is a shit dad. And a shit partner.

The question is, are you going to do anything about it?

HollowTalk · 03/06/2022 13:52

Funny how these arguments end up with him ignoring you, even though he starts them. And then he rewards himself by removing himself from the family and goes to bed, which is probably where he wanted to be all along.

CupidStunt22 · 03/06/2022 13:52

If he thinks you called him a shit dad, then by the same logic he called you a shit mum first, didn't he?

Sounds like he is a total shit though.

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 03/06/2022 13:55

You deserve way way better OP.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 03/06/2022 13:56

Sounds tedious and exhausting.

SallyWD · 03/06/2022 14:12

I can't believe all these couples who are so horrible to each other. If my DH called me a cunt just once I'd be so shocked! I think of the children growing up with adults who talk to each other this way. Just horrible.

FlippityFlapperty · 03/06/2022 14:30

No wonder you’re tired of this, OP.

Time to present him with some facts. The reason he feels your daughter loves you more is because he’s observing she’s more attached to you and that’s because he’s not put in the same amount of time and energy into caring for her as you have. That’s a simple fact, whether he likes it or not. If he doesn’t think there’s an issue then why is he frequently observing it and raising it? The truth hurts. He knows he’s not stepping up / involved enough, can see the consequences in her affection towards him and yet tries to make this your problem by claiming you criticise his parenting and therefore deserve him swearing at you and blanking you.

His ‘solution’ is to storm around and go into a sulk, acting like a child. Again, time to present him with some facts. This isn’t the behaviour of an adult and a responsible parent. Nor is refusing to do anything else today to help with the children. Nor is going to bed every time he falls short as a father.

He needs telling that he can’t force close relationships, even with his own children. Bonds grow when they are nurtured. He’s dealt with your daughter seeming a bit less attached to him by pushing her further away and refusing to spend time with you both today, instead of using the time productively to build the bonds that he’s whinging aren’t there.

He clearly wants her to love him and feel close to her or he wouldn’t be so upset but doesn’t seem to know the first thing about tackling it. Perhaps he can’t face rejection from her. It would certainly explain him hiding himself away in bed. It would be interesting to know his relationship with his own parents.

dontgobaconmyheart · 03/06/2022 14:37

I'm not sure a decent dad calls their mother a cunt etc, or would rather flounder off at the slightest thing than spend the day with said family.

He really sounds pathetic OP. Arguing or 'bantering' about which parent a child loves more is unnecessary and odd. I wouldn't even have indulged him.

I would consider if you are happy with being emotionally manipulated into feeling sorry for him, being sworn at etc. It sounds tiring and horrible, he should be on your team, not competing against you to prop up his own fragile sense of self.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 03/06/2022 14:42

You may not have called him a shit dad but that's what he is, and he knows it hence the sulking.