Argument

[Amyrosa]

hello,

My partner is kicking off, saying he isnt spending the day with me and the children now.

he was in a "bantering" way (but says it all the time) that our daughter loves him way more than me. I then replied do you reckon. and he goes yeah way more why do you think she would love you more. I then said well you dont bite the hand that feeds you (I do everything for our kids) but I was saying it in a joking way.

well he then has gone mad. told me to fuck off, called me a cunt and said he isnt spending the day with us now and I've called him a shit dad (I didnt?)

I just said you must know that I do a lot if you've taken that comment so personally after you started the whole conversation with our daughter loves me more.

he has sulked back up to bed now feeling sorry for himself. I'm a bit confused.

So don't let him ignore you.
Go over and say this behaviour right her proves you are a shit dad. So sort yourself out because I deserve better

Yikes. Man child alert. You deserve better. Have a brilliant day with your children or even leave the children with the world's most loved and amazing dad and have a day to yourself.

Shit dad and shit partner.

I couldn't put up with this. It sounds like he creates argument's so he can go and do what he wants. Then and leaving you to do everything.

He is using the argument's he created to try and justify his behaviour. I don't think this type of behaviour can be changed. He's manipulative. It's a personality trait.

I'd kick him out and save yourself the drama of him in the long run.

Probably creating drama out of nothing as an excuse to ignore you & piss off to the pub with his mates. Making it your fault when he comes home wankered later. (In his head).

Don't "present him some facts" FML just get out! He's abusive and it won't stop at you, the children are in the firing line. It doesn't get better, it gets worse.

Your DC will grow up repeating these patterns you are teaching them about relationships.

Seriously LTB

WTF even is this reply? No really!
So he gets to act like an abusive arsehole to his DW/P at any time of his choosing (repeatedly according to OP)... because he loves his daughter and doesn't know how to build a better relationship with her?!

Aye? Jog right on! Fuck me it's no wonder we can't do better for ourselves when people dole out nuggets of gold like this.

Accept the abuse OP, it comes from a place of loooove!

No abuse is acceptable for any reason. If a Husband/partner is regularly abusive then that makes them an abusive partner and the only way to fix that is to get the fuck outta dodge! Not come up with explain the asshole away theories.

He didn't want to go and was looking for a way to get out of it and you be to blame.

@StingrayStingray there’s really no need to be so aggressive towards me. I don’t agree with your implied view that a person who is verbally - not physically - abusive has absolutely no hope of ever changing or redeeming themselves or learning to deal with anger in a better way, and I don’t agree that the first response to being called a cunt by someone who swears a lot is for a woman with a child to give up on the relationship and become a single parent. You’re far too quick to tell her to ltb because you’re not the one who would then need to upend your entire family and life. This situation is one which can be improved but it’s going to need the DP to recognise what he’s doing and probably have professional help. I actually think you’d do better to avoid ranting ‘wtf’ reactions and think about offering advice which isn’t quite so black and white. Do you think a marriage counsellor would advise a couple with a child to simply give up on their relationship without having an appointment with them and without trying anything at all first?

Counselling in situations where a partner is abusive towards the other (also counts for child abuse here too btw), is highly discouraged.

Abusive people can change I'm sure if they want to. Most don't and never do change.

What your post suggested is that OP should basically override her very valid feelings that this is not acceptable behaviour, and gives an excuse for this particular time he used a generated argument to get out of something.

If you had read the OPs posts you would see that this is a pattern of behaviour, not the sole result of him not having an ideal relationship with his daughter. This sort of post only encourages people like the OP to buy further into the narrative that women should put up with sub standard - abusive treatment for them and their children (a situation that has been proven time and again the children then go on to replicate in their own relationships in future,perpetuating the cycle), that they are overreacting and that their reality is not valid in any way shape or form.

Since you asked, my advice to the OP @Amyrosa would be to:
Start a post in the Relationships board for better advice than you gave.
Seek support from friends and family IRL
Do some online reading into abusive relationship dynamics/ abusive men. A search on here will provide but the usual suspects include Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" for example is often quoted
Speak to an organisation such as Women's Aid
Plan for leaving and the future, making sure you stay safe as abuse often escalates.

Honestly I'm just so sick and tired of reading comments like yours @FlippityFlapperty, every one of them does women in situations like the OPs a complete injustice and only helps to keep them down. Bloody man can't act like a decent person because of whatever shite excuse of the day... and he probably only behaves like this with a certain set of people - i.e the wife and kids It's completely a choice to act like this because it works for him and he gets away with it.

The only thing women can do with men like these is chuck them back where they came from and get on with life without them. I never once said it would be easy but women with children manage to get rid of their sub par husbands and partners all the time. It's not an impossible task. Weighed up on the scales Vs a lifetime of misery with your crap partner and possibly setting your children up for crap/abusive relationships in the future I and many other women have taken the option of leaving.

There is support out there @Amyrosa you and your children deserve better than this weak excuse for a partner/father

He is a shit dad.

In all my years in a career working with abusive men, I have never known a single one to meaningfully change.

He will waste the best years of your life and you will live in misery for as long as you stay in a relationship with him. And your DD will grow up with unhappy memories of her childhood, which will shape the way that she sees the world and where she fits in to it. Honestly, the only happy ending for you and DD is to leave him without dragging it out for you or her.

FWIW I also wouldn't be advising confronting him in an aggressive manner or needling him with snarky comments since he seems to have a pretty explosive anger problem. It might just end up in shouting but you just never know. <- That is not me saying shut up about it by any means, just be aware. I'd worry for you that with a man like this he might suddenly escalate to physical violence.

Couldn't be in the same room with a man like that. Awful abusive language.

Ignore him forever

The first time any man called me a c* would be the very last words he said to me. It is not acceptable and you can do better. Any man who huffs/sulks is a twat. Bin him.

Yes he’s an arsehole. A selfish, precious, lazy, argumentative, manipulative arsehole.