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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have had enough

27 replies

SteelAspidistra · 02/06/2022 21:31

I work in a tough job that is pretty relentless but have had this week off for half term. During this week we have done literally nothing. My eldest DD is revising for year 10 mocks and refuses to leave her books for any time at all (I have spoken at length to her about work/life balance etc but she won't hear it). My DH has absolutely no get up and go, no imagination at all and so if I don't organise it, it doesn't happen. I haven't organised anything this week, partly due to my daughter and partly because I can't be arsed to constantly be the planner at work and at home. I've had enough!
Our marriage has been long and on the surface would appear good but in reality, there's not much there. We have no intimacy at all- not so much as a cuddle and haven't had sex in two years.

I just feel like I'm waiting for Monday to go back to work and start all over again with all the inevitable stress and exhaustion that brings. There is nothing to look forward to. I am feeling so low and like there's just no point to any of it. Working my arse off for what?? A crappy existence of doing nothing except moping about the house. I feel unloved, unvalued. I have few friends to rely on and no social life at all. I'm done. AIBU to feel fed up or should I just get a grip and paint on a smile?

OP posts:

caringcarer · 02/06/2022 21:40

You don't have to live like this OP. If you would be happier divorced go for it. You might find someone else who makes you happier. I was in your shoes a long time ago. I took a deep breath and divorced my h. Two years later I met someone else and could not be happier. You have to be brave.

KangarooKenny · 02/06/2022 21:57

I know how you feel, I’ve been feeling this way for a couple of years but can’t make the break.
We are two people sharing a house, sleeping in separate rooms, can’t remember how long it’s been since we had sex and don’t want it with him either.
I also look forward to going to work.

Original poster

SteelAspidistra · 02/06/2022 22:42

I can't even say I look forward to work. I just feel bleak about everything. Sitting here tonight not talking at all.

OP posts:

Beancounter1 · 02/06/2022 23:35

If you were single, what would you have liked to have done with a week off work?
Next time, do that.
Or is the issue that you have absolutely no idea what you would do? In which case you have lost yourself and need to find yourself again.

Or is the issue that you don't want to be single, you want a better marriage? Unfortunately that is not in your control. You can't fix him, and if you left him you can't guarantee you will meet anyone else.

So think like a single person instead.

KangarooKenny · 03/06/2022 07:22

Your DD understandably doesn’t want to go out this week, you do, so go. What do you want to do ? Don’t be embarrassed about doing stuff alone, I’ve got a dog so I walk him a lot - and get to chat to people from that - or I go shopping.
The marriage is another thing. No intimacy at all, no sex for 2 years, so what has happened to his libido ? Is he depressed ? Getting it elsewhere ? Would he go to marriage counselling ? Do you want to save the marriage, or carry on until DD leaves and then separate ?
What do YOU want ?

KangarooKenny · 03/06/2022 07:23

Are you peri menopause age ? That’s when us women can have a wobble.
Are you depressed and feeling this way, or is it the situation making you feel this way ?

PupInAPram · 03/06/2022 07:26

I'm off this week too. Do something you like by yourself. Cinema, coffee out and people watch, walk along a beach. If you are comfortable doing it pub/restaurant with book. I live alone but I try not to stay home too much.

MintJulia · 03/06/2022 07:38

Your DD is revising, fair enough if that is her priority, but there is nothing to stop you going out and having some fun.

Most towns have events this weekend, go and mingle, or join an art society, a cinema club, a new class, a gym. Or spend the weekend browsing city breaks away with your DH. Take him to a new city, add something fresh to the mix. Do you want to rekindle your marriage? Have you asked him what is wrong?

It sounds like you need some alone time together to sort things out and your DD is absorbed in exams so now is the perfect time.

But do something! Don't just let it drift, life is too short.

Original poster

SteelAspidistra · 03/06/2022 09:32

Thanks all. I'm 46 so peri menopause could be involved somewhere. I do have two children- DD15 and DD8 so not easy to go off alone always. DD15 isn't the greatest at looking after herself- she'll work for hours and not have a drink for example so I wouldn't want to leave her for a day alone.

OP posts:

WineIsMyMainVice · 03/06/2022 10:33

Could you do something for yourself like taking up a new hobby or activity? Then try and build a social life from that? You need something for you.
good luck op.

KangarooKenny · 03/06/2022 10:39

I think you need to loosen the apron strings and go out. Your 8 year old shouldn’t have to stay in because her big sister won’t get a drink.

IanOsenfrote · 03/06/2022 10:45

I would suggest that you do something on your own. Even if it's just a walk in the woods. If you are able to strike up a conversation with people, there will be loads of people walking dogs etc.

Stomacharmeleon · 03/06/2022 10:49

I would agree about the DD15. She is old enough to think.... I need a drink. Why should your younger child miss out because you treat the eldest like a baby. Go out!

Original poster

SteelAspidistra · 03/06/2022 10:51

I know. She gets utterly absorbed in her work to the point she'll not drink or eat and then be ill. She needs to take breaks but she won't unless I tell her to. I worry about her but she goes amazingly well at school, has high ambitions and refuses to budge on the need to work.

OP posts:

StridTheKiller · 03/06/2022 10:54

You can find joy through friends, hobbies, a dog...
Just find the start of joy and it will unravel for you. Start small 😊.

Momicrone · 03/06/2022 10:54

This is a time in your life where you can start putting yourself first, do stuff that makes you happy

AlisonDonut · 03/06/2022 10:55

You need to go out for the day. Leave a drink on the desk for your eldest and take your youngest out. You can't wait for fun to come to you, you have to go out and find it.

Original poster

SteelAspidistra · 03/06/2022 10:56

I'm sure that's true @StridTheKiller but I have no friends, I have no time for hobbies (my job is full on, not to mention the kids filling my evenings) and I wouldn't get a dog when we're out of the house all day every day.

I know you're trying to help and I do appreciate it. It just is what it is.

OP posts:

Momicrone · 03/06/2022 10:58

Go for a bike ride

PinkiOcelot · 03/06/2022 10:58

Why don’t you take her up a plate of sandwiches and a snack and a flask of drink and go out for the day with your 8 year old. Go shopping, do ladies who lunch or do lunch and then to the cinema or something. It’s Friday, do something on your last day.

Maray1967 · 03/06/2022 11:01

At least take a half day out for yourself, OP. Leave DD with a water bottle, nip out for 3 hours and then come back to make sure she has lunch or dinner. Take the younger child with you / go swimming or to the cinema, whatever you fancy. Leave DH at home if he can’t be bothered to engage.
I spent my birthday afternoon in town at an art exhibition on my own - loved it. I was only out of the house for 3 hours but it was great.

Floralnomad · 03/06/2022 11:05

I feel really sorry for your younger child having it’s life and activities curtailed by the older sister .

Goldfishjones · 03/06/2022 11:05

I hear what you are saying about your older DD but could you facilitate breakfast and/or evening meal (surely you would not be out of the house from before breakfast until after bedtime?) then maybe leave food and drink in her room with an alarm that goes off at lunchtime? People don't need to be constantly eating and drinking all day, a bit here and there is fine. Are there other issues with leaving her?

Sorry about your DH, sounds miserable and yes, you need to take the time to work out how to live for yourself, you deserve that. Life doesn't have to be like this for the future. Well done for starting to think about it!

Goldfishjones · 03/06/2022 11:09

What do your wknds look like? Is there anything regular you could do then? Even a running club/film club/walk a rescue dog through the woods?

Moonface123 · 03/06/2022 11:16

You seem to be making plenty of excuses as to why you can't do anything, don' t turn into a martyr, your eldest is more than capable of looking after herself,.l had to leave my children alone much younger due to being a lone parent,.it makes them grow up and become responsible, you shouldnt be spoon feeding a 15 yr old. Put more effort and value on your own life, single people have to work extremely hard on their social lives, otherwise they would all turn into hermits, would you be prepared to do that should you leave your marriage ?

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