Just wondered what other people thought as I feel confused about my relationship with DM.
DM had a difficult childhood – she has told us hardly any details, but the little she has has shown that she was to a large extent physically and emotionally neglected, and had to become independent at a very young age. She was hard working and did well at school and went on to have a professional job.
She married my dad and they had three children (I am one of them). My Dad was a nightmare – self centred and angry, I’m pretty sure he was autistic. He left our family when I was a child to make a new life for himself and we haven’t heard from him since.
DM worked hard physically for us when we were at home, and made sure there was always food and healthy meals for us. She encouraged our education and we all went to university.
However, she was not at all emotionally available – she would often have angry outbursts and then refuse to talk about it. She didn’t pay attention to anyone’s feelings or emotional needs and just did whatever she thought was right.
So, fast forward to today. I am now married, with three children, one of whom is on the autistic spectrum. I struggled so much when the children were young – my DS who is autistic did not sleep through the night for years, and I felt motherhood was overwhelming. I was diagnosed with PND. Bearing in mind my DM lived near us, she did not offer any help at all. I was at times desperate for a few hours to myself, and given that she was healthy and in her sixties, I would have thought that she might be supportive, but she said that she had “done her bit”.
She once came round to our house, and whilst she was there, I started feeling really unwell – I had developed a high temperature and started vomiting (in front of her) - it turned out to be norovirus. She just walked out, saying that she’d see me soon, leaving me with my young baby to look after.
Another time, I invited her on holiday with us. The children were all under 5. I had thought that she would just join in with our activities, eg going to the beach, making sandcastles etc but she said that she didn’t want to do that, it was boring. So I had to take her to places that she found interesting, eg gardens, that obviously my children did not enjoy. I then got back to the holiday cottage and had to cook for everyone. Again, I wasn’t sleeping as the children were up at night, and was totally exhausted trying to look after everyone. At the end of the holiday, I had my first ever panic attack, I really felt like I was dying, and called the hospital. I was so desperate for a rest and wished so much that my Mum would come back home with me to help me with looking after the children. My mum saw all this, and just said, hope you feel better soon dear, just drop me at the station and I’ll get the train home.
Another time, she came to stay with us (we were living further away at that time) and she said she had come for a holiday. She spent the whole time going on walks and going out for coffee by herself, while I looked after the children and cooked for everyone. It was one of my children’s birthdays while she was there and I had organised a party. I just thought that the normal thing for a grandparent to do would be to offer to help make the party food, or other preparation, or look after the children so I could do stuff. But she spent the day with her feet up reading the paper with me rushing around. She then left early to go back home as “time was passing really slowly at my house and she had washing to do at home”.
We now live near her again (3 minute car journey), and during lockdown we were in the same bubble. She knew that I was finding it difficult with home schooling the children, and the children were also finding it difficult being cooped up all the time. She didn’t once offer to have them over to her house to play a board game for an hour or two or take them out for a walk.
These are only a few examples, but there are many others.
On the other side of things....I think she does love her children and grandchildren in her way. She often (not always) comes to Christmas concerts/sports days etc, she sometimes asks us all over for tea and cake, and we play cards, and often pops in for a chat for 10 minutes or so. However, the talk is usually about her and her views. She doesn't have much money but has in the past been generous with it. She likes it when I ask her over for a meal, as she loves being cooked for, and is happy to eat the meal, then leave straight afterwards. She likes spending time with me or my siblings in our family homes if she is cooked for and just left to her own devices, rather than entering into family life.
I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD so I'm in the process of looking at my life and relationships and working out if I am being over sensitive, or if the problem is actually with the other person! I feel I am in this cycle of feeling angry and resentful with my mum, then feeling guilty and thinking that she had a rubbish childhood and is doing her best. It's just the fact that I don't really understand how you could walk away from your own child when they are in need of support.
(Another point is that my DH was pretty useless when the children were young - we have now had counselling and he is much better, so I don't know if that is also colouring my view as I didn't have support from him either at the time.)
Any opinions would be gratefully received!