To not particularly want my mum in my life anymore

[SuziSecondLaw]

My mum has never seemed to be interested in me. I was a difficult teenager, very obviously screaming out for attention because she gave me none. No hugs, no I love yous, no compliments, no encouragement, no interest in my life, my accomplishments etc etc. And it's the same as an adult.
I see her once every couple of months, either at her house or mine, but we don't have much to say. Few examples of why I feel like I just can't be bothered to make any effort anymore :

I finally bought my first house recently (I'm 36) and was very excited to show it off, and all she could really do was talk about her own new bungalow she was moving into.

For my 21st birthday she bought be a vase for a fiver from sainsburys (this makes me sound entitled, it's not the cost, but I hate flowers.. And this memory sticks with me for some reason.. )

When I got divorced she never once asked how I was, she stayed good friends with my ex husband and invited him for Christmas Dinner that year (and every year after) then couldn't understand why I didn't want to go.

I have three children, she's never made much effort to see them, unless I specifically ask her to babysit (which is extremely rare!). I have a 1 year old, who she's seen maybe twice in the last 6 months.. She's never asked about him or is interested in hearing how he's getting on. I'm so grateful for dps mum who is completely besotted with him and requests almost daily photos.. She's also absolutely lovely to me and I wish I had a mum like that!

I don't think she knows what my job is.. She literally never asks about me at all. I don't really understand why she's had children. My older sister agrees that she's like this, she suspects autism.

I don't know. It just frustrates me. I don't feel like I can be bothered with her anymore. Which feels unkind, but.. What can I do?

You don't even need to explain (I feel you think you need to justify yourself, you don't) we can't choose our parents and it's absolutely up to you if you want contact with your Mum or not

My daughter (24) doesn't want a relationship with me (ever, so she says) but as I've been raising her 3 year old son since he was 9 months old this might not always be possible. She has her reasons, I don't push it, but I'll never close the door either.

You do what you need to do, it's your life and you sound like you've got your head screwed on straight and you'll do the best thing, for you

I suggest taking some time where you have no contact with her. See if your life improves. If it does, make it permanent. The stress of having to accept a shite relationship is exhausting, taking a step back can be liberating.

I agree, stepping back and making your peace with not trying to maintain the relationship can be very liberating.

Take a step back and stop expecting her to be the parent you wish she was, she is never going to change I am sorry to say.
Accepting she is not interested and shows little to no love is not excusing her, but if you stop expecting her to be a good parent then it won't hurt you so much when she isn't. It is the feeling of constantly being let down that hurts time and again.

I would give up visiting her with three children, let her come to you if she feels like it, and I would spend all your time with your 'second mum' You are so so so so lucky to have this op!!!! I am in a similar situation with my mum, but my MIL died, so I now have no mother figure to speak of - but you have someone that adores you all, and loves you. Hold on to that. Invest your time, love and energy into your non bio 'Mum' and celebrate the fact you have been blessed with her.

We can't change our reality, but we can choose our reaction.
Your time is precious, invest it into people that love you back

Families are falling apart at the slightest thing. Your sister suspects your mum has issues and seems more mature about it and understanding.
You sound entitled and moaning about a vase. Personally i think you should talk to her, tell her you feel rather than just cut her out.

I meant speicla needs, autism not issues. Given there probably was many missed diagnosis and especially women. It's sad but true, she probably does love you but isn't up to your expectations
.

Wow. What a shitty post. The OP has obviously only given a snippet of her life. She doesn’t sound entitled to me.

You don't have to keep anyone in your life who doesn't bring anything positive, including parents. Just let it fizzle out, she knows where you are. She can reap what she has shown when she needs caring for.

I knew I shouldn't have mentioned the vase, haha.. Out of everything that's happened (or not happened) with my mum, the vase was such a minor thing. I guess it just demonstrated to me how little time she spent thinking about me, you know? Just in sainsburys doing a grocery shop and 'that'll do'. I don't know. It sounds entitled, you're right.
As to my older sister being more understanding and mature, I disagree. She gets on a lot better with her than I do, but she agrees my mum is almost callous with how she is with me.

I should add, I don't plan on cutting her out completely! If she ever needed anything, I'd be there in an instant, as I always have been. I just usually visit her, text her, etc out of a guilty feeling that I should.. But I'm thinking perhaps about stopping that. Just letting our relationship be what she wants, which is clearly not a lot.

You don't seem to have a loving relationship with your Mom so you are not unreasonable to not want to bother anymore. My Mom died but I would give everything I have to get her back. All Mom's are different. You were not blessed with a loving one. You don't have to fake it anymore.

What about the bit where she invited OPs Ex Husband for Christmas every year? The fact that him being there made OP not want to go suggests it’s wasn’t an amicable split, and the OP has tried explaining why she subsequently didn’t want to attend herself, and yet her mother couldn’t understand why, and despite the result of OP not attending, she continued to invite him every year afterwards.

The vase is just one example of the death-by-a-thousand-paper-cuts that children of dysfunctional parents suffer, which is often hard to understand if you’ve been lucky to grow up within a family who care for you.

@SuziSecondLaw I would definitely start by limiting contact with her, but if she contacts you for reasons that will cause you pain be open to communication. Enjoy being away from the stress, and passing love onto your DC.

*not cause you pain

Bah! I proof read that as well 🤦‍♀️

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

You are either going to have to accept that this is all she has to give and try to not let it get to you, or minimise her presence in your life.
Perhaps just tail things off gradually - don’t go round to see her. Don’t call her, but don’t ignore her if she calls you. It doesn’t sound like she’d be that bothered about things cooling off - but if she is, perhaps it can be a wake up call for her.
It’s good that you have a lovely MIL that you can have a better relationship with.
BTW I don’t think the vase comment sounds entitled - a £5 Sainsbury’s vase for your 21st birthday is crap. It’s not about the money - it’s just thoughtless, and you must wonder if that’s a reflection of how she feels about you.

Doesn’t really read like the slightest thing though, does it?

’Families are falling out about the slightest thing these days’. You mean people are increasingly questioning the perceived wisdom of having to endure toxic relationships ‘because it’s family!’. ‘Family’ is an accident of birth, and it’s luck of the draw whether you get good relatives or shitty ones. No one should be obliged to maintain relationships with the shitty ones.

Best thing I ever did was cut my mom off. All she did was talk down at me, and tell me I was doing everything wrong, and call social services every time I didn't do things how she told me I should be.

I should think your sister is wrong with the autism suggestion and even if she is correct, it has no bearing on your mum's behaviour. It isn't typical of autism at all.

She sounds plain mean and nasty and you should have less contact with her. Or none.

What do you know of your mums own childhood?

I feel liberated since I stopped contact and started living life away from that shite.

She decided to fuck off when I was 12, left me and my half brother with my dad (not his dad) and he had to work all the hours under the sun so wasn’t ever there.

Kept buying us expensive stuff, kept telling everyone how kind she is, kept saying I’d need her before she’d need me blah..

some mothers can he pretty awful just like anyone can be pretty awful - please just live your life as YOU see fit and then you can look back and not regret it

It sounds like you’re your mum’s scapegoat if even your sister notices your mum is callous to
you.

Absolutely take a step back and let her come to you and arrange something if she’s bothered.

OMG we share a mother. Or they’re identical twins.
I had to go NC with my mother. Insulting me, belittling me etc to my face was bad enough but when she did it to my lovely, elderly, bereaved relative and his wife ( their daughter similar age to me had died unexpectedly) that was the last straw.
You can pick your friends etc. etc.

I went NC with my mother. Didn't miss her and didn't regret it. Not even when she died. You don't need to have people who are not good for you in your life when there are so many other emotionally generous and respectful people to share your time and energy with.

Great advice.

I stayed fairly low contact with my mother and father after an unhappy childhood and v shit teenage years. She had an alcoholic phase in my 20s and 30s which meant I simply could not trust her. BUT through all of that she made it very clear that she loved me dearly and her grand children too. Now she is nearing the end of her life and I have made peace (sort of) with her failings and I will be there for her til the end.

They say having children of your own helps you understand your parents more. True - but it's not always in a positive way.

It takes a lot to cut a parent off. It's not quite as simple as FOG. If your parents are truly horrendous (as opposed to just a bit shit) then do what's right for you and ease yourself away.