To ask if you got anxious over baby milestones?

[Themidnightpig]

Everyone always tells me to relax and ignore the books, my baby hasn't read them and will do things at her own pace. But I just can't relax! I'm constantly googling what she should be doing and worrying about things she isnt.

She is a happy little thing, unimaginably cute (I know I'm biased 🙄), eats and sleeps well (currently anyway...)etc. I should just be enjoying her right?

How do you switch off the milestone anxiety?

I guess "just stop caring" isn't going to fly...

Have a second one, then you'll be okay.

I was never exactly anxious over milestones, or at least not consciously, I wasn't worrying about them in advance, but I have to say I felt a HUGE amount of relief when my daughter started pointing and waving right on time, as there's a lot of ASD in my family and those two things are huge indicators of being NT. I wasn't anxiously waiting for them to happen, but I was so relieved when they did. It was like letting out a breath I didn't realise I'd been holding.

No, I didn’t get this and I refused things like the 2 year check for this reason. Kids will do things when they’re ready, someone will always be first and someone will always be last. It really doesn’t matter when they do them. I think in today’s society we’re too obsessed with comparing and contrasting children instead of just appreciating them as they are.

Hmmm I think this is a bit too far - "kids will do things when they're ready" is all very well and good, but a lot of children are ready much later than their peers and without input will really struggle. A child who doesn't talk at 2 may well be talking by 5 with no intervention, but with SALT could be talking by 3, and therefore not experiencing 2 extra years of frustration and struggle. Which surely is a positive?

Yes I got very anxious particularly as a lot of the social norms like baby and toddler groups were lost due to covid and I felt my son was falling behind socially. But it is true they get there in their own time. In my DSs case he drank from an open cup 2 weeks before his 3rd birthday. I felt like I was banging my head against a wall for ages with that milestone.

I wasn’t anxious over milestones but many other things. I think because unfortunately these things are all over the internet and people look to them, one of course the vast majority of babies are going to be healthy and well developed. I actually deleted all media apps and social media apps in the end as Gad lots of anxiety (that just slowly disappeared as my babies got older.)For me it was recognising that checking these things was unhealthy and that I’m sure I would know if something was wrong.

I think it's always likely to be worse with your first. With my second I now have first hand experience that they catch up if they're behind on anything and that gives me comfort.

Also I regularly remind myself that I don't know anyone who didn't learn to walk, eat, talk etc etc. Normal is also a large range and you can't be good at everything all the time. A child who is ahead with talking is likely to be behind on something else.

I don't think it ever completely goes away though. We're hard wired to worry about our kids 😅

Put the books away, i dont think i ever read a book on the topic so wasnt really aware of 'milestone dates'.

Try to explain to yourself, why does it matter when they sit/walk/talk? What difference does it make? See if that helps to reduce anxiety.

I 2nd pp, i just didn't think about it. My dd was a 'late' walker apparently, i thought it was great and much easier than my friends experirncedvwith their 'early' walkers

It depends if it’s bothering the child or not - my children aren’t neurotypical. If something is bothering them, that’s one thing, if it’s not then I don’t see the point of comparing them to other kids and trying to make them fit into a box. DS1 wasn’t fully toilet trained until he was 5 because he had serious anxiety about it, for example. He’s 7 now and you’d never be able to tell he learns to use it later than his peers. It really doesn’t matter

No I never was, but partly because DD was premature so if she wasn't doing something her peers were I figured she was still catching up. To be honest I never really read up about milestones, I just went to all her developmental checks and kept an eye on things that were mentioned there. I have several friends with toddlers a similar age to mine and the difference in what they could all do when is vast.

No, I was never anxious over milestones. My dc were very early with some, late with others and average for many.

I think you’re a very good mum. You’re obviously worried about milestones because you care about your child and doing all you can for her to grow up healthy and well adjusted. Maybe you see milestones as the way to evaluate your input into your child’s development? Maybe you’re worried about missing something important that she “should” presumably be doing? If you can figure out why milestones matter to you so much… (maybe try asking yourself why 7 times until you get to the bottom of it) .. it will help you to find a solution and perhaps worry a little less.

I don’t even read them. Not worth getting het up about, rather just enjoy my baby.

I didn’t read all the pregnancy ones either though (you know, your baby is now the size of a kalamata olive etc etc) so maybe I’m just not the type.

DD is 11months and I'm constantly worrying about this. She had sepsis after birth and in my view she is very slightly behind - although the HV reassures me that she isn't too worried. What has helped me is muting the NCT WhatsApp group!! I only dip in and out now as i feel like it rather than having all the notifications coming through. Then I don't have to deal with all the competitive parenting. 🙃

I managed to produce and raise two children, now in their 40s, luckily 'back in the day' I'm not even sure there were books about babies, birth, 'milestones' etc., if there were I certainly never looked at any. In addition once a baby was home and a quick visit from, in our case, SSAFA, or HV you were left to fly by the seat of your pants. Granted we weren't as obsessive about babies, we actually put them down during the day, even to go to the loo, but they survived and thrived perfectly well.

Wow I'm impressed so many of you guys are so chilled about it! I will try to emulate this...

@Sunnyshoeshine sorry your little one had a tough start 💕 I relate re the competitive parenting. My DD is a bit of a late developer on the movement side of things but all her baby class buddies are super advanced, it's hard sometimes I feel like I have to justify that she will get there in the end to everyone and their raised eyebrows.

I think most first time mums are like this. I certainly was

I think those groups make it worse. I never did NCT or anything like that, partly because I knew everyone would just be comparing babies

I come from a large family and saw the difference in development between my siblings kids who are siblings when I was a young adult. Now some of them are young adults themselves I can see it made no difference if one was talking fluently by 2 but another didn't until nearly 3 and a half. Likewise with toilet training, walking etc.

The big thing is you, their father and who you surround them with e.g. other family. So make sure you surround them with people who want them to do well and be happy.

Btw I wouldn't ignore the baby checks as if you have issues in your family e.g. eye issues, joint issues you can highlight them to the HV and get help to get them sorted.

No, I was never really that bothered as long as she was largely on track with the ages and stages questionnaires, not compared to what other babies were doing.
DD was a potato baby, learned to sit early but had zero interest in rolling until she was about nine months! And even then it was like she had grudgingly accepted she needed to do so.

She would happily just lie there like a sack of spuds at baby classes while the other babies were doing acrobatics on the ground, but honestly it was bloody wonderful to be able to put her down and her stay put for all those months! I'm hoping this baby due in two weeks' time will also be a potato but doubt we will be that lucky twice

You have to take yourself out of it. The years will whizz by. You have to enjoy your child, they are magical amazing creatures. They all develop very differently.

There is no "should be doing" this or that at any one time.

Get them help if they need it, okay they're not speaking at age 5 so you get a speech therapist (it's probably earlier but I don't know)

So they aren't spelling properly yet, work on it with them then, don't get upset. It's about attitude and what we focus on.

Focus on loving and enjoying your child. It's not easy to get over being over-anxious, but it is simple; just focus on positive things instead. Leave no room for the bad stuff.

Perhaps the books should be a bit clearer about the variation - rather than "around 12 months" it should say something like "between six months and twenty-four months but sometimes later even in neurotypical children", to try and make people less likely to panic.

I guess there's a balance though: sometimes being behind on something may flag up something that does need to be looked at - hearing difficulties, poor eyesight, hip dysplasia,...

I was lucky that I knew that I was a VERY late talker, but a very early reader, so I was well aware that plenty of children catch up on things. DD was early pulling herself up on things but a late walker.

Stop reading about the milestones. Forget about them and go with the flow.

They can be used to get your child extra assistance if needed. So for instance my dd1 didn't sit until she was 9 months and even then was very wobbly. I was able to get a referral to paediatrics and physio, she was diagnosed with poor muscle tone at 2. We were given conditioning exercises to help. I didn't realise initially how it would impact her but she struggle with gross and fine motor skills so struggles to get her socks on, do buttons, hold a pencil for very long which obviously impacts her at school, struggles skipping, running, jumping, riding a bike. We have physio to help her practice these things and get stronger but we have had to accept that she will always be that behind and she does get frustrated. We celebrate her for who she is and encourage her to try. To look at you won't notice but in a class of 20 kids it becomes more obvious.

As a result I am hyperaware of milestones. All kids are different, yes I agree with that. However when they don't achieve milestones within typical periods that can be a cause for concern and early intervention can get them the help they need. So actually I do think it is necessary for parents to be aware of milestones and when they should seek help if baby is outwith them.

In your case if it is causing you lots of anxiety I would delete the apps and not engage with the conpetitive parent types, especially if you have no underlying concerns.

*competitive even.