Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find MIL’s partner so creepy?

40 replies

willwewontwe · 02/06/2022 14:20

So my husband’s parents separated a long time ago and they’re both with someone new now. I find MIL’s partner extremely creepy, always have. One of the blessings of covid was he didn’t get to hug me when we got to their house every time, used to absolutely dread it.

Just get such a creepy vibe off him. We’ve since had a baby and I feel very uneasy about the idea of them having the baby without us there but have never said this to anyone other than my partner, who agrees. He’s extremely controlling and when she takes our little one out in the pram he follows alongside (or nearby) in the car. She took her a walk yesterday and I stood chatting to her for a while before she went. I glanced up to see him drive past my house, without even looking in, 20 minutes after dropping her off. My street goes nowhere so there was no other reason for driving by other than being a controlling weirdo and realising we’d just seen him 🤦🏻‍♀️ She took our little one to her house, despite saying she was going a walk. I was getting a bit concerned hours in when they hadn’t returned from this walk, then she showed up. She said our little one fell over and hurt herself at her house but she’s fine. I was really quite blunt and questioned the fact she was supposed to have been out a walk and not at her house. I couldn’t care less where she took her if it was just her but she literally can’t go anywhere herself and I get such an awful feeling about him that I’ve never had about anyone else ever 😑 How do I subtly avoid him being alone with my child without having to offend her by saying it?

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 02/06/2022 14:25

Trust your gut. She never has access without you being there. I had this with my MIL's partner. Luckily we went quite low contact with MIL anyway so they didn't realise.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 02/06/2022 14:25

He does sound very controlling. Can your husband broach it in such a way as he's noticed odd behaviour from him and is she (his mum) okay?

WooNoodle · 02/06/2022 14:27

Sounds very odd. I wouldn't be letting my child anywhere near without being there. Trust your gut.

MindPrison · 02/06/2022 14:27

Accompany her. Say you want fresh air, exercises, out of the house etc but go with.

Original poster
willwewontwe · 02/06/2022 14:29

@DorothyZbornakIsAQueen extremely and that’s not even the half of it! She’s nice but just so caught up in this life he lives. Only once ever have I dropped her off at their house because I felt I had to and the whole time I just thought ‘I’m never doing this again’! Went back to pick her up and he was playing with her on the sofa and I just thought omg get away from her 🙈 Sounds so irrational but I just get an overwhelming feeling of CREEP!

OP posts:
Mumofsons87 · 02/06/2022 14:31

This isn't going to end well for the MIL. As others have said trust your gut. MIL is going to miss out, but baby is your priority, MIL is a grown woman.

1000yellowdaisies · 02/06/2022 14:32

It's good that your DH agrees with you. As pp have said, trust your gut instincts about this guy. Its probably going to be a difficult conversation but i would flat out tell MIL, using some of the examples you've said here re his strange behaviour and explain he is not to have DD on his own ever. You need to set out the rules explicitly or you'll always be concerned whenever MIL has DD.

WhatNowwwww · 02/06/2022 14:33

I’d just tell her. Better a bit of an atmosphere for a while than pretend everything’s ok. She’ll
notice if you don’t leave her alone with your DC anyway. I’d get your DP to tell her though, maybe with you there to make sure he tells her properly.
It might be the catalyst for her realising he’s a controlling arsehole and leaving him.

Original poster
willwewontwe · 02/06/2022 14:33

@Mumofsons87 definitely! If she was able to come to my house without him during the week I wouldn’t mind her babysitting here but he would come too and I can’t sit feeling that uncomfortable in my own home 🙈 really annoyed at the fact she hadn’t asked permission to go to her house though and just went

OP posts:
willwewontwe · 02/06/2022 14:35

Thanks for reassuring me that I’m not being psycho on this and his behaviour is 100% not normal! I think my husband will have to say something to her subtly, I just don’t know what when I have no actual evidence of him being anything other than controlling

Basketet · 02/06/2022 14:42

That's not normal behaviour. It's bordering on stalking and harassment. Who the hell does he think he is?

As pp have suggested, your DH should speak privately with your MIL about your concerns. Has she in the past been subject controlling/coercive men, domestic abuse? She sounds vulnerable and at risk of serious harm- emotional and physical.

ElenaSt · 02/06/2022 14:45

No one hugs me unless they have surprised me with a bums rush.

You don't have to let anyone hug you.

balalake · 02/06/2022 14:50

Covid 19 is horrible and tragic, but one of the very small silver linings is that is a very good reason not to hug.

Very sad that your MIL is in such a bad relationship, and what you describe is a creepy man. You do need to talk to MIL and even perhaps with your DH if you have not already done so.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/06/2022 15:05

"How do I subtly avoid him being alone with my child without having to offend her by saying it?"

You don't. You are blunt and truthful and upfront. 'MIL, your partner's behaviour creeps me out and I don't want my child around him. And that unfortunately means I cannot leave my child with you.'

Your child trumps your MIL.

Original poster
willwewontwe · 02/06/2022 15:11

@WhereYouLeftIt no this is very true! Thanks, It’s like he’s always been so creepy so everyone just accepts it and when you don’t have a child it’s fine but suddenly where there a baby involved you really question whether it’s safe to be leaving them there 😑

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 02/06/2022 15:12

You can't.
You have to choose what's more important.
Not offending her or not letting your baby be around him without you.

Randomness12 · 02/06/2022 15:14

I’m with @WhereYouLeftIt - this is no time for being subtle. Have the conversation, make sure she is ok but be explicit. He doesn’t see your child alone, ever.

You would never, ever forgive yourself if something happened to your beautiful baby because you’d been too worried about hurting someone’s feelings.

PersonaNonGarter · 02/06/2022 15:16

You have these feelings for a reason - and it is to protect your child.

Remember- do not feel the need to be polite/avoid hurting feelings. Your responsibility is to your child.

Also, separately, I think you can ask the police to do a background check on him if your child is going to be spending any time there.

Somuddled · 02/06/2022 15:19

I wouldn't go with the creep line as it is jsut a feeling. I would go with the controlling element.

'I find X to be very controlling and so I'm not comfortable with having DD round him. It's just not behaviour that I want he to see or be on the receiving end of. We are happy for you to spend time with DD here so long as x doesn't accompany you.'

That way if she wants more details you can state the being followed and other examples'

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 02/06/2022 15:20

I agree with @WhereYouLeftIt don’t be subtle.
tell her bluntly what the issue is and why you feel uneasy. You have solid examples of how his behaviour is odd.

also if you don’t like hugging him, then don’t.

in all honesty I’d probably think about limiting your MaiLs contact to only when you are around, clearly he has control and that would make me uneasy.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 02/06/2022 15:21

sarahs law and Clare’s law application with local police too.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/06/2022 15:21

Unrelated men in positions of trust are the most risky to children anyway. Add to that he's clearly got issues with boundaries and does things which are controlling, AND you get a bad vibe... No way I'd risk her deciding she knows he's OK. I'd tell her AND I'd make sure she never had sole care. Plus, talk to the police and see if you are allowed to find anything out.

Original poster
willwewontwe · 02/06/2022 15:24

@Somuddled thanks! Right now she keeps hammering the (wrong name but) Papa Stuart for example, like because she’s with him he’s a grandparent. Which I just bypass completely. I can imagine it’s only going to be harder as the little one gets older and maybe goes there sometimes. It means if my parents aren’t available (FIL is far away) we don’t have any child care but I’d rather that than feel this uneasy

OP posts:
DaleTrimont · 02/06/2022 15:25

PersonaNonGarter · 02/06/2022 15:16

You have these feelings for a reason - and it is to protect your child.

Remember- do not feel the need to be polite/avoid hurting feelings. Your responsibility is to your child.

Also, separately, I think you can ask the police to do a background check on him if your child is going to be spending any time there.

I agree with this.
I wouldn’t let her take your dd anywhere now unless you are with her. Men this controlling are dangerous.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 02/06/2022 15:28

willwewontwe · 02/06/2022 15:24

@Somuddled thanks! Right now she keeps hammering the (wrong name but) Papa Stuart for example, like because she’s with him he’s a grandparent. Which I just bypass completely. I can imagine it’s only going to be harder as the little one gets older and maybe goes there sometimes. It means if my parents aren’t available (FIL is far away) we don’t have any child care but I’d rather that than feel this uneasy

Again just be blunt. “We want x to refer to Stuart by his name and not papa”.

don’t ever let he go there. Sorry if I sound harsh but why on earth would you let her go there without you when this mans behaviour is so concerning. I think your MIL needs to know how strong your feelings are. Can DH speak to her?