To find MIL’s partner so creepy?

[willwewontwe]

So my husband’s parents separated a long time ago and they’re both with someone new now. I find MIL’s partner extremely creepy, always have. One of the blessings of covid was he didn’t get to hug me when we got to their house every time, used to absolutely dread it.

Just get such a creepy vibe off him. We’ve since had a baby and I feel very uneasy about the idea of them having the baby without us there but have never said this to anyone other than my partner, who agrees. He’s extremely controlling and when she takes our little one out in the pram he follows alongside (or nearby) in the car. She took her a walk yesterday and I stood chatting to her for a while before she went. I glanced up to see him drive past my house, without even looking in, 20 minutes after dropping her off. My street goes nowhere so there was no other reason for driving by other than being a controlling weirdo and realising we’d just seen him 🤦🏻‍♀️ She took our little one to her house, despite saying she was going a walk. I was getting a bit concerned hours in when they hadn’t returned from this walk, then she showed up. She said our little one fell over and hurt herself at her house but she’s fine. I was really quite blunt and questioned the fact she was supposed to have been out a walk and not at her house. I couldn’t care less where she took her if it was just her but she literally can’t go anywhere herself and I get such an awful feeling about him that I’ve never had about anyone else ever 😑 How do I subtly avoid him being alone with my child without having to offend her by saying it?

Please let your husband have the conversation with his mother. It's the only way in this situation, and he can talk to her about his worries that her DP is coercive and that he's been seen to follow her in his car etc.

The conversation needs to be primarily about his concern for HER, and only later bring up the concerns about the child being with him. That's the only way she's going to listen. This conversation simply won't work coming from a DIL, and from a starting point of 'no you cant have your GC at your house'.

Another thing is - do not imagine that this situation will resolve through talking or conversations. No-one in this scenario is going to be able to talk anyone round to their point of view.

This is one of those things where you just need to be physically clear that MIL is not to be around your dd without you. You cannot trust MIL not to cave to pressure from him. That’s the hard truth.

@PersonaNonGarter yes this is definitely true! She won’t see that someone following you and never leaving you to do anything alone is anything other than normal as she’s spent so many years with someone doing that. I think the concept that I, for example, can jump in the car and nip to the supermarket or go shopping myself would blow her mind 🤦🏻‍♀️ I don’t know whether she started off the walk with the intention of going a walk and he’s the one that’s told her to take her to their house but if not she definitely lied to me when saying multiple times she was just going a short walk. Have asked DH to address the fact she didn’t do what she said she’d do at least so that in future I will be able to let her take him a walk but he says he will then doesn’t. I’m just going to have to go a walk with her in future and she’ll get the hint

Better a huffed mil than the worse scenario...
Just say you aren't comfortable with dd being around him full stop. He doesn't sound like a great addition to her life.

Op does she know you can do that? Go to shop alone?

@Ithoughtsummerwascoming I don’t think so, I honestly have no idea but they think their life is normal 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think you have to be very blunt;

Luckily the creep and MIL have provided you with perfect reasons to tell her

" I'm afraid we have some concerns about what's going on around DC. There's this thing about him following you and DC in the car. Second, that you said you were taking DC for a walk by yourself, then took DC somewhere else without telling us, where they got hurt. We're very worried that something's going on so for the time being, we're going to keep DC with us . We don't want you to take him out alone."

I agree with all of this.
You don't have to let him hug you, either - just dodge and say no when he approaches.

I agree. Always trust your gut. I believe there is now hard evidence to support this. Our initial/emotional response is usually more reliable. We meet someone, find them creepy, and then reason ourselves it ("give him a chance" etc). That's fine when it's just a random work colleague. But when it's someone who has access to a little girl..need I say more?

The fact that you have "always" found him creepy, and that his hugging repels you, sets alarm bells ringing. If it was me, I'd want to know more about him. Does he have any previous convictions, or cautions, for something dodgy? I sure as hell wouldn't leave him alone with my child. People talk as if abuse is this weird, rare thing. It isn't. It's very, very common. The statistics are misleading because the vast majority of people never go to the police.

This is not the time to beat about the bush. This is the time to day to her why is it everytime you tike little one out he drives alongside you? Why are you not aloud time with grandchild alone and why when you tell me your taking your grandchild for a walk do you go to your house to see him for hours without telling me? Raise your concerns. Make it known you will not have your child in the middle of this controlling behaviour and you will not have her take your child if she cannot be honest where she is going.

*say

So you’ve identified that there is a risk that a controlling male who has access to your child alone may harm her. Which from what you says sounds quite plausible.

and you have balanced that about offending your mil and the potential risk and you have decided that you would rather risk your child being abused than offend your mil or potential abuser.

do you really value your child’s safety so little?

I really do despair. This so why children around the world are abused every day - because parents inexplicably don’t have the courage to do even the minimal to protect their children.

have a word with yourself and protect your child. He’s already had her alone? Christ almighty

you are massively undereacting.

Ive had a similar experience. My mum got a new partner and my brother had met him and said he was creepy. He used to drive past wherever i was meeting up with my mum. Anyway i said to her id like to meet him first before my son did as i had concerns about him... i also suffer from anxiety and she knows this. Well anyway one day when i was at work he turned up at my house and my mother let him in and he met my son.... she didnt tell me but it slipped out a few months after.
I was fuming and the secretiveness of it made it even more weird. She now doesnt have my son, but still after loads of talks and even letters ive wrote to explain my feelings she tries to push him on us, talks to my son about him and he buys my son chocolate and she brings it round.

I think even after a talk like your previous post said sometimes theyre stuck in their own thoughts and dont see the behaviour as weird. Trust your gut and keep your daughter safe. Its horrid being in this position but youl never be able to relax. The fact she took your daughter to her house aswell without telling yous a bit odd aswell, it just breaks that trust

I’d be worried he’s manipulating the mil and insisting your child goes to their house instead of on a walk for obvious reasons. Don’t be polite. Don’t let your child near this man.

Why are you letting her take your baby out alone anyway?

Never mind what your MIL or DH want, YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOUR CHILD. It's your primary job as a parent.

When I was a toddler a family member raped me in my grandmother's house. I can't tell you how much this has affected my life. When I see people like you being all wobbly about keeping a creep away from their child because they're dancing round people's feelings, it makes me absolutely furious.

Just do it. Keep him away from her, and if necessary keep MIL away. If your child gets assaulted or worse because you didn't protect her, she'll hate you for it, I promise you that.