To ask for a shovel and an alibi?

[Singlebutmarried]

DH is eating a ham sandwich

It's all I can hear. I can hear every single bit of mastication.

No one would blame me would they?

Gosh no
I'll alibi you
You came over to watch the Jubilee fly past from my back garden and have a catch up.

God no, happy to provide an alibi.

Even the thought gives me the boak.

YANBU. We're meeting up this afternoon to listen to the Jubilee bands playing in town.

YANBU. I’m taking the dog for a walk this afternoon, you can come with us. In fact the body and we’ll bury it en route, the dog is great at keeping secrets.

No blame here. I have a shovel ....... only used once previously 😉.

Ham? On it's own? No cheese or salad?

YANBU

Get out of there before any crisp bags get opened!!!

I'll alibi you in a heartbeat. I have a loud chewing jaw-clicker myself and often dream of the perfect murder.

My DH has a cold and hayfever. The sniffs. So please can I borrow the shovel afterwards.....

That word always reminds me of a joke in the Readers Digest many years ago.
Man in Scottish court was chewing,
Magistrate says to the court clerk 'Tell the defendant to stop masticating in my court',
Clerk of court says
'Oy, You, Hands oot yer pockets' 😊

I’ll help you if you’ll help me!

Mine likes broth, he makes it so hot that he eats it but holding the spoon near his mouth and slurping it into his mouth. It’s like Dyno Rod doing the drains. I hate it, it makes every nerve in my body recoil in disgust.

Yabu to not have already done him in.

Yep. I get that as well. Not just soup but shepherd's pie, peas and, well, anything hot. Just hoovered up in spite of evil looks.

My whole childhood. Urg.

I married a quiet eater. He can slurp coffee but a mild maiming will suffice for that.

I have no idea why, but I follow a guy on tiktok who tours the country trying to find the best cheeseburger in the UK. He reviews them in his car...

He chews -twice-- with his mouth open, does this dreadful kind of gulping breathing as he eats, slurps and often chokes where he just inhales the burger.

I have no idea why I keep watching. Its absolutely vile. But I Just. Can't. Stop.

DH has a deviated septum and a nose which was broken a couple of times on the rugby field. He’s lucky he’s still alive with the eating noises that produces.

I’ve been home sick and listening to ancient audiobooks on bbc Iplayer. The ones from pre-90s all have really loud chomping and swallowing, for authenticity I guess 🤢 YANBU

My husband is the same. He cannot eat or drink anything without making a lot of noise. The idle fucker is now asleep on the settee and snoring.

Mine was eating an apple this morning, by fuck I thought him eating a banana was bad. 🤢

I told him off like he was one of the dc for the noise he was making the other day.

I reckon you should count your blessings he's just masticating. It's more usual for MN posters complain about their husbands masturbating.

I'm about to have a new patio put in - bring him on over.

I have a shovel. I used to have a DH.

A body decomposes better if it's not buried, so a covering of some sort would be needed.

A classic brookside method.

I'm sorta different, I like the YouTube ones of the various food carts, where it shows them cooking the food