AIBU to be unsure how to handle this situation? WWYD?

[HolidayHelp23]

I've been friends with someone for about 10 years. Were very close. I met DP (now fiance) a few years ago. Not long after that, she ghosted me. As in, I'd invited a group of friends round to my house and she just never turned up, stopped replying to messages etc. Eventually she did reply to one asking if everything was okay to tell me that if I didn't know, she wasn't going to tell me (paraphrasing, but something along those lines). A year later she got back in touch. She stopped short of apologising but she basically explained I hadn't done anything wrong, she'd been struggling with something, and she wanted to just forget it and move on. Which I did.

Fast forward to now. She met her first boyfriend last year. After being very vocal our whole friendship about having no time for girls who prioritise a boyfriend, she seems to only care about him. But still, we stayed in touch and things were fine. Until I got engaged around Christmas. She now seems to be totally ghosting me again, she's not messaging at all, she's hidden me on social media (I'm pretty sure). We have mutual friends so I know there's no good reason for lack of contact as she's in touch with them. Previously we'd message most days.

Now comes the issue. We booked a week away for an event this summer (booked in 2020 when we were really friendly and mid-lockdown) with her close friend and friend's boyfriend. It cost a significant amount of money. I now have no desire to go, she's barely speaking to me and clearly doesn't like me very much. For background, she's very competitive. Whenever something goes well for her (new job, new house, new bf) we all have to hear all about it, down to the details of salary etc. Whenever something goes well for me, she either rains on my parade or ghosts me. There's a definite pattern developed now, and tbh I'm happy to call the friendship quits. But how do I get out of this week away/get my money back? I sent a message a few weeks ago asking what the plan is and she said she was waiting to hear from other friend. I've heard nothing since. In the back of my mind I think she's waiting for me to pull out so she can take the new boyfriend. Tickets were booked as a group so AFAIK there's no way for me to cancel and get my money back but the ticket could be transferred to someone else in the group very easily.

Do I:

1. Go?
2. Pretend I want to go and hope she asks me for the ticket?
3. Be upfront and see if she wants to buy the ticket off me?
4. Pull out and lose the money?

It's very childish and manipulative, I know that. But that's how the whole friendship has been. I've outgrown it. However, I still feel really bad about pulling out at this late stage. If she can't find someone else to take the ticket she'd be a third wheel with this other couple. But she must surely know it would be really awkward if I go when she's not been speaking to me?

I'd say 3.

I'd say 3 too. If she says no to that then some kind of plan needs to be formed. Carefully composed texts are the way to proceed.

Yes I think 3 too. Be polite but to the point.
Well done for recognising the toxicity and getting out.

1. If that doesn't work, 1 but do own thing.

I agree with doing 3 too.

3 as well, if she says no, I'd probably go but pull away from the friendship after that

I would get my money back first. Unethical but I would say ‘I’m really not feeling well - struggling with joint pain etc does anyone have a friend that they want to sell my place to ‘ etc do that and then if she has ghosted you - problem over

I'd do 3 first as an option. Then if that didn't work I'd go on the trip but plan to spend the entirety of it doing my own thing well away from them.

I would say 3 too. She's making her feelings perfectly obvious with her behaviour so I wouldn't beat about the bush pretending you want to go or even going. Be very civil but don't mince your words so that it's perfectly clear you want your money back as the (not yours or hers) circumstances have changed since it was originally planned/booked.

Good luck!

I'd try 3 but also who has control over the tickets?
if she's already ghosting you, will you ever get the ticket/money back? It does sound worth being forthright as she's really messing you around.
It sounds like a one sided friendship, and I wouldn't like to depend on someone who seems to drop you at will without telling you why but picks back up again and expects you to join in with plans, and then drops you again.

I’d say 3 and then don’t bother with her any more; you kneo that you don’t want to go and avoiding the drama of it and getting money back would be preferable to me

Who has the actual ticket?

Can you contact the hotel or whatever it is and ask what their terms would be for cancelling one ticket? Who paid ?

Definitely 3. And don’t get fooled again. She’s not your friend.

If you have the ticket yourself, then I’d go for 3, with a deadline so that you can sell / give it away yourself.

If she has the ticket, I’d maintain all along that you’re going so she doesn’t just give it to her boyfriend for free.

Thanks for all the responses. The ticket was paid for by friend's friend (who I know quite well from years of socialising). I transferred her the money and she bought 4 tickets. I'm trying to keep the details vague, imagine it's like Pride and we've paid for a package including tickets to an event and 2 hotel rooms. I could contact the organisers directly but I can't imagine we can refund one ticket due to the accommodation situation.

Say you can no longer go and ask if anyone wants to buy your ticket!

Any possibility of getting her friend involved? She’s less likely to stall replying to the mutual friend?

I think you need to avoid the situation where she knows you’re calling her bluff and brings her boyfriend for free.

Offer it to him, as I said - for a deadline. But make it clear you are still going (even if you don’t!)

”Ghoster: I’ve got another offer for Pride weekend. Would Boyfriend like to buy my ticket? If so, if he buys it off me by next Friday, I’ll book the other event. But if he’s not interested, I’ll stick with out plans.”

Then even if you have no intention of going, be sure to talk as if you are 😉

I reckon if she does that though, her “friend” won’t offer, but will hold out until the last minute and then bring her boyfriend for free as the ticket was just going to be wasted!

I know OP was being vague, but if the accommodation element means it’s more expensive than just a regular event ticket, there isn’t anyone she can sell it to really. You can sell a bed in someone else’s shared hotel room!

3 - and if she says no, then hang on to your ticket and just write it off (but don't let her have it for free.

Or 3 but you tell both of them and that if nobody wants it you'll still go. And then just don't go and write off the money.

So really it would have to be your friends b/f or another friend would have to go because of the shared hotel room?

I would stick with offering for your friend to buy it for her b/f and if not go, you can still have a good time with the friends friend anyway as you get on well

@Testina I reckon if she does that though, her “friend” won’t offer, but will hold out until the last minute and then bring her boyfriend for free as the ticket was just going to be wasted!

This is exactly what she'd do. And it's totally understandable not wanting to waste the ticket, but if it was a decent person we were talking about I know they'd offer at least some cash. She's so selfish that I don't expect her to.

So option 1 is out, I've decided there's no way I' m going. It would be sunk-cost fallacy for one as the event will cost probably a couple of hundred in food and drinks and travel to get there. Also we went away for a weekend last summer and I had a rubbish time. She either complained, or showed off, or was completely entitled the whole time. I'd rather waste my money than my time.

Is there a whats app group for those going on the trip - if so post something like this -

Just thinking though my options for the trip. Probably easiest thing is if I call sell my ticket to a friend of yours. Is there anyone you can think of who would want to go in my place and buy my tickets?

Yes I would start one if not. Involve all of them on the conversation and act like you are going so they don’t assume some is getting a free ride. See if that kickstarts a response/offer to buy you out.

they sound like arseholes tbh, you’re better off shot of them.

Could you ask for your ticket back and sell it? Forget the room, but I wouldn't let her have that ticket.