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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am struggling to get over this ... AIBU

34 replies

annualreport · 02/06/2022 10:11

Partner had an acute psychotic episode who'll very unwell. He was in hospital and had high doses of a drug known to cause temporary psychosis. He behaved in a very strange way and the medical team were concerned about him at that time.

He came out of it and swears to this day that everything that happened through that episode was absolutely real to him. He was upset and embarrassed but reassured by medical staff that the effects of this drug were well documented and will not likely happen again. It was a scary time as his actions were nothing like that of him as a man, usually.

One thing he did do through this episode , which lasted a full day , was to contact his ex partner via message.

He has no recollection whatsoever of sending the messages at that time but showed me the messages when I confronted him afterwards. He was devastated. Crying , confused and begging for forgiveness. He was disgusted with himself for making contact after so many years and was really wondering if he had lost his mind. Medical staff reassured him so he felt somewhat better that it was a one off.

The messages were innocent , general chit chat , told her about me and that he was happy, asking for her family etc. Nothing sinister. At the end he said , as a sign off, maybe we'll meet for a coffee some day , take care.... it was through a mutual contact that I heard this.

We talked all about this and I believe that he had no intention of ever contacting her , in view of the rest of his behaviour through those hours. He had no intention of ever meeting her again and they ended very badly years ago and had no contact since.
Now that life is retuning to normal, I am struggling with this.
My struggle is that through that episode , he contacted her. Full stop.

He was contacting me all that day and it was me who contacted his medical team with my concerns at how off the wall he seemed and out of character .

We have a lovely weekend away planned this weekend. He is still not fully better. In fact our time is limited due to his illness.
Do I let this go or tell him I'm struggling .
I still feel so hurt .

OP posts:

Furbaby2842 · 02/06/2022 10:15

You need to let it go

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 02/06/2022 10:16

The mind is a funny thing, isn't it? I have a black and white dog. When I was a child I had a similar one, but brown. When I dream or something even daydream about scenarios that include the current ddog, in my.mind he is brown. So I'm sort of harping back to what was once familiar, and brown ddog died years and years ago! So please reassure yourself, and give him the benefit of the doubt on this one xx

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 02/06/2022 10:18

In the circumstances I wouldn't be over concerned about this. Despite the medication, he said nothing untoward. Isn't that a good sign?

Are you perhaps focussing on this to distract yourself from your concerns about his health? Just a thought. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. 💐

Aprilx · 02/06/2022 10:20

You definitely need to let this go, to do anything else is unfair, he was ill.

Maytodecember · 02/06/2022 10:21

I don’t want to sound harsh but I think your DH contacting his ex is a very, very minor part in this. He was having a mental health crisis ( involves his brain, yes?) The drugs he was given were likely very powerful and acted on his brain. He probably didn’t have control over what he did. Think of his brain like a switchboard —- the drugs were lighting up different parts of his brain, making that part activate for a bit.
Im sorry you and your DH had to go through this but he was in the best place getting the treatment to help him make the best recovery. I wish my dear friend had got this, it might have saved her life.
Please try to see it as not your husband actively thinking of his ex ( and he was only polite , not suggestive or lustful in any way) and concentrate on him getting as well as possible. It happened, you can’t change it, but you can change the future you have left together.

Mally100 · 02/06/2022 10:22

It does seem odd that he had a full on conversation with her, while texting you at the same time. Also, why her of all people. But as it a perfectly innocent conversation with nothing dodgy I would say let it go.

sleepyhoglet · 02/06/2022 10:24

My father was in a coma but when he woke up, He didn't want his partner of 20 years and was confused and thougt was still married to my mum and only wanted her. He was very disorientated!

TidyDancer · 02/06/2022 10:28

I mean, you feel how you feel, but to put any of that on him in these specific circumstances would be horrifically unfair. You absolutely need to let this go.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 02/06/2022 10:38

I agree with all the others OP, you need to let this go. Would you react like this if your partner was having a dream and called out another woman's name? I know that this is a bit more involved, but when the mind is not in it's normal active state, like when we're asleep or drugged, it plays all sorts of tricks on us, so please don't let this ruin your relationship. Also putting him under the additional stress of worrying about you and your feelings right now, would be very selfish bearing in mind that he still has, by the sound of things, a way to go with his recovery. Relax, it's clearly you he wants.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/06/2022 10:41

He told her about you and that he was happy. Totally innocent messages updating someone who used to be a part of his life.

And the poor sod was in the mire of a drug-induced psychosis.

Let it go.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 02/06/2022 10:42

TidyDancer · 02/06/2022 10:28

I mean, you feel how you feel, but to put any of that on him in these specific circumstances would be horrifically unfair. You absolutely need to let this go.

Completely agree

ElenaSt · 02/06/2022 10:42

I don't think you need to worry.

Shamoo · 02/06/2022 10:44

Gosh OP, let it go. Making anything of this at all would be ridiculous. I know that may sound tough and you feel the way you feel, but you need to let it go and move on. Enjoy your weekend, and focus on that x

Inthesameboatatmo · 02/06/2022 10:45

You need to let this go. He honestly couldn't help it. I've been in a coma, I've been on strong med after the coma while still in icu. I thought the hospital was a ship and every time male staff members came to.me I thought they were trying to kidnap me for a drug baron. So I was restrained because I was fighting them. I thought I was fighting for my life op.
Some medication people react very very badly to

lostinwoods · 02/06/2022 10:48

You need to let it go. Don't make him feel bad about something he had no control over.

myuterusistryingtokillme · 02/06/2022 10:55

You really need to let it go. You can't hold something against someone who wasn't in their right mind, and it's not like he is just telling you that as an excuse, you've heard it from the people treating him. It's not like he was contacting her saying he loved her, he told her about you!

waterrat · 02/06/2022 10:56

Gosh you are being incredibly unfair op.

Do you understand what it means to be in psychosis. One of my former partners had psychotic episodes. He thought I was faking being a woman. He thought I was the devil. He thought post office vans were spying on him.

My brother once had a psychotic breakdown due to other issues. He behaved so completely out of character He was destroyed with the shame of how he behaved.

Please stop this unkind treatment of your partner. He was seriously unwell and his brain was malfunctioning. As someone said. Nerves across his brain were misfiring.

Behaviour while psychotic or delusional has no relation to your 'self ' this isn't some sort of hidden desire it's literally a malfunction

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/06/2022 10:58

Agree you need to let this go. People do all sorts of weird shit on things like coming round from anaesthetic and I get it isn't nice for those affected, but its not their loved one doing these things, it's the drugs.

And he just contacted someone to say hi and ask about their family etc - that's acceptable to a lot of people anyway. Even under the influence of very strong drugs he didn't say anything inappropriate, which is a positive.

I think its mean if you have a go at him for something that ultimately can't help

Easilystartled · 02/06/2022 10:59

I understand why you feel hurt, but you’re looking at his actions in the context of him actually having a semblance of intent and understanding. It sounds to me like his brain was more in a dreamlike state and he had zero control. I still get that you could find this hurtful, but think how many times you’ve dreamed something that you have absolutely no desire for in real life. That’s what that day was like for him. You need to let it go and enjoy your time with a man who obviously loves you.

catandcoffee · 02/06/2022 10:59

You need to let this go. He was not in his right frame of mind.

stepuporshutup · 02/06/2022 10:59

You really need to let it go, dh was not in control the drugs were. Please op enjoy the time you have together instead of getting concerned about a chit chat txt. Have a great weekend

Germolenequeen · 02/06/2022 11:03

@annualreport

People are being harsh - yes you need to put it behind you but the episode must have been a very scary time for you so I understand how you could be feeling insecure atm.

Maybe look at some counselling?

Best wishes to you and your DH 💚

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 02/06/2022 11:03

Yabvu. Let it go, even if he wasn’t unwell nothing happened. You are being super unfair.

Original poster

annualreport · 02/06/2022 11:05

Thanks for replying and I do feel much better after reading your thoughts.
You are all correct. I need to let this go and move on and enjoy whatever time we have together.
He adored his ex partner at that time. He was devastated after they split even though it was the correct decision , in his words.
When I let him first he was still a little broken after it all , as was I after my split ; but we're a few years down the line now and we are solid but this illness has shaken us to our core. Thanks once more .

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/06/2022 11:06

I don’t think this is at all unusual. She’s his ex. At some point, she was a big part of his life and will be indelibly etched into his mind as a result. He was given incredibly powerful drugs which mean that parts of the brain and memory which usually are largely inactive and subconscious became much less so for the period of time they were working. That he was caused to think of her whilst incredibly mentally altered doesn’t mean he thinks of her much or at all when he’s perfectly conscious.

The brain is complex and chemical changes in it can go all kinds of sideways. My dad was in intensive care last year under a concoction of various drugs and became absolutely convinced that the the nurses had taken the whole ward of intensive care patients on a day trip on a coach to a local beauty spot and that they stopped off at a farm shop for their supper on the way back. He was so adamant about it and talked about the trip in so much detail that he almost managed to convince my mum it had happened 🤣 But that’s how strong the effects of powerful drugs can be.

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