To not attend dinner with no excuse (WWYD)

[chatterbug22]

I have posted before as find responses on here constructive and did read the ones on my previous post. However, I want to know in this situation what others would do.

We have a family group chat and have all been invited to dinner at my sister’s house this evening, at short notice for same day. She has done this before. It’s a nice thing and they enjoy cooking for guests and hosting, they are incredibly good at it too. I have a special diet for health reasons so there’s always a big song and dance made about catering for me and the effort it’s taken (which I never expect from anyone BTW!)

Me and OH are off today and there is no excuse for us not to go. OH suggested we go and is up for it, family event, dogs etc. I am strongly not.

I can’t help but look back to previous occasions where we all got together when I was left feeling rubbish; mainly Christmas, and remember how the conversation could only be about them and nobody else, we were actively ignored and sarky comments were made about me being boring for not having a drink, or they were picking apart my partners job. I took a step back from this and was told I am neglecting her, I need to step up as her sister and I don’t realise the damage I’ve done. The latest is, it’s my fault that she’s not looking forward to her hen do. She blocked us both on most social media.

My parents are devastated that we don’t get on and do not see the reasons behind. This is because my sister has cried to them previously saying I don’t care about her and want nothing to do with her. They will repeatedly ask me if I’ve contacted her this week and why I ‘avoid’ her and it’s tricky to know what to say in response. My dad gets on incredibly with my OH but my mum is upset and blames him for the reason I don’t get on with my sister, she can’t fathom another one at all. :S

I am wondering what others would do as it is her hen do very soon. I don’t want to say no to this dinner if it will cause trouble. This might sound cynical but I think she has invited us knowing we won’t go, but will use it as evidence I don’t care about her. It’s a bunch of women and drinks, I really don’t want anything to kick off on the night. What I do want is for her to have an amazing time - that has never changed.

Would going today be necessary to keep harmony?

Tell her you've got D&V but that your DP can go if he is up for it. He can represent you and report back.:-)

Special diets often come with stomach issues so I would use that.

Could you say you have plans for the evening but you will make ‘a huge effort’ to go to your sisters for a drink beforehand because ‘you love your family so much’.
Then just let them talk about themselves a lot.

'bit short notice as we are off today and are going away to x minster, hope you all have a good time'

I found it massively liberating to learn to say things like 'thank you so much for inviting me. I'm going to say no this time' and learning to just stop there, and repeat as necessary.

Don't go today - 'oh I'd love to, but I cant'. No further explanation or details

And in general, I would be seeing them all less often and avoiding sharing much at all with them about your life. Your parents need to realise that you are not little girls playing together anymore - you're now adults and relationships can get complicated, and they need to stay out of it. I have a similar situation in my own family so I know how unfair this all is.

It doesn't sound like you enjoy spending much time with any of them, and I don't blame you. I would look at being a lot busier and less available in future. Re the hen night, show up, nod and smile and plan something lovely for yourself to look forward to afterwards

This is was too much thought for a simple thing. Just say sorry you can't make it this time. And move on with your day.

Say sorry now, OH can go if he wishes. Don't leave it say until lunchtime.

Phone as well, not text or email, it is more likely to be accepted without too much upset.

Be honest do they really want you there? Stay home and just tell them sorry can't make it.

Just because you're available physically doesn't mean you have no excuse not to attend. Not wanting to attend is reason enough. "Thanks for the invite, we're not available, hope you have a wonderful time".

“Sorry, can’t make it this time.”

Succinct and to the point. If they ask further then you can say you have a stomach bug or similar.

Sounds like you can’t win whether you go or not, so don’t go - why sit through something like what you’ve described?

You don’t have to give a reason but if you want to I’d just say I had other plans.

Oh I totally relate to the parents thing, although mine weren't as full on. But yeah, first thing that was said when I announced my engagement "and I presume your sister is bridesmaid", first thing when I told parents in private about first trimester pregnancies "but you're telling your sister", etc etc etc. Totally get that.

They don't get to force a close relationship. Them trying to force a close relationship will only make you back away harder if you're anything like me.

Wrt dinner today, that's easy enough. "Oh that's a shame, we can't make it, we're off today and already have plans to <whatever>. Thanks for the invitation though, have a great time!"

It's OK to want a day at home just the two of you, mooching about and getting up to whatever. You don't have to feign illness, as if you'd have gone otherwise.

Another thought i had - you say these last minute dinner invitations are a 'nice thing'. Are they? Inviting someone on the same day to your house for dinner, then crying persecution and martyrdom if they decline, sounds very petty and controlling to me

Just say you have a subsequent engagement.

Don't lie just say "oh sorry we can't make it at such short notice"

It's short notice tell them your love to but already have plans

"Ah thanks for the invite but we can't make it. Have a lovely time. See you soon x"

And if your parents or your sister weep and wail and say you are ignoring her and why and all that total shit just say ' I don;t really do emotional blackmail' and leave it at that. Pull them up on it.

Totally agree with others and there have been lots of great ways to say no without lying or explaining. It sounds like a toxic relationship and I'd definitely be distancing myself. You don't have to spend time with anyone, even family, if they make you unhappy.

Just say - “Why are you inviting me for dinner when you’ve blocked me on everything?”

A simple 'already got plans for tonight, see you another time' should suffice. She can't expect you to go round at such short notice.

Just thinking about what you've posted, if your mother is trying to force you two together, you could come back with "But mum, how can I stay in touch with Sis when she has blocked me on her social medial?" and wait. See if she unblocks you.
You can then mute your sister on your feed but they can't use that against you in the future.
She doesn't get to emotionally blackmail you about her hen night. That is entirely up to her to enjoy and it is not incumbent on you to be her entertainment.

It sounds like your parents are your sister's flying monkeys. If you think of it that way, you could play your sister at her own game. Go crying to mummy when Sister is being unfair to you. Be the louder squeaky wheel. You know what they say about that, right?

As for today, I'd say that both you and your OH took today off together as you had made plans but perhaps the next time. These announcements with very short lead time don't really work for you and maybe in the future if you're given more time, you may be able to attend. (oh and don't expand on what these 'plans' might be. Could be binge watching Stranger Things or whatever but they are your plans)