To not attend dinner with no excuse (WWYD)

[chatterbug22]

I have posted before as find responses on here constructive and did read the ones on my previous post. However, I want to know in this situation what others would do.

We have a family group chat and have all been invited to dinner at my sister’s house this evening, at short notice for same day. She has done this before. It’s a nice thing and they enjoy cooking for guests and hosting, they are incredibly good at it too. I have a special diet for health reasons so there’s always a big song and dance made about catering for me and the effort it’s taken (which I never expect from anyone BTW!)

Me and OH are off today and there is no excuse for us not to go. OH suggested we go and is up for it, family event, dogs etc. I am strongly not.

I can’t help but look back to previous occasions where we all got together when I was left feeling rubbish; mainly Christmas, and remember how the conversation could only be about them and nobody else, we were actively ignored and sarky comments were made about me being boring for not having a drink, or they were picking apart my partners job. I took a step back from this and was told I am neglecting her, I need to step up as her sister and I don’t realise the damage I’ve done. The latest is, it’s my fault that she’s not looking forward to her hen do. She blocked us both on most social media.

My parents are devastated that we don’t get on and do not see the reasons behind. This is because my sister has cried to them previously saying I don’t care about her and want nothing to do with her. They will repeatedly ask me if I’ve contacted her this week and why I ‘avoid’ her and it’s tricky to know what to say in response. My dad gets on incredibly with my OH but my mum is upset and blames him for the reason I don’t get on with my sister, she can’t fathom another one at all. :S

I am wondering what others would do as it is her hen do very soon. I don’t want to say no to this dinner if it will cause trouble. This might sound cynical but I think she has invited us knowing we won’t go, but will use it as evidence I don’t care about her. It’s a bunch of women and drinks, I really don’t want anything to kick off on the night. What I do want is for her to have an amazing time - that has never changed.

Would going today be necessary to keep harmony?

Always have ‘plans already made’ excuse. ‘Sorry, we’ve been invited to random person your sister doesn’t know’s house for a bbq’. Your mum needs to be told that the relationship is nothing to do with her, she needs to stop pushing it. My mum did the same with me and my brother, we can’t stand each other and her pushing made us worse.

Going today would give her an opportunity to wind you up again, then you'd get the blame, and that would ruin everyone's long weekend.

I'm also very concerned that you are expected (by your mum) to jump to your sister's commands; and that, if you don't, you are judged as not caring about her. So, not going will ruin everyone's long weekend. Except yours.

Everyone else has offered great suggestions for signalling that you are not going. If your family can't accept that you would say - and are allowed to say - no to an on-the-day invitation, and make it a test of how much you care about your sister, then you need to start thinking about how to handle their expectations in the future.

The fact that it's last minute is excuse enough in itself - you can just say you already have dinner plans (may even make some and have a nice time together :) )
However I would be nipping her bad behaviour in the bud and be honest with her. I don't want to come when you laugh at me not drinking alcohol due to my medical condition, you run me down in front of other people and you think I'm such scum that you block me on SM - a function which was put in place by these networks to deal with pests/people you don't like.
See what she has to say for herself then. She sounds really immature.

As others have said, thank them but say sorry you can't make it

A really simple, 'sorry, thanks for the invite but we've already got plans for today' is all you need to send. It's a very short notice invite, they must see that. If they badger you for details of what you're doing, grey rock.

Then go out for dinner with your partner and explain to him why you want to pull back from family gatherings because yours are toxic.

Also, next time your parents badger you about contacting her, be honest. Say you understand why they want you and your sister to be close but you're very different people with different outlooks and them forcing you to get along for the sake of your sister is making you clash more than if they just left the pair of you alone to get on with it. Lay the blame at their door, because that's where the aggro is coming from.

OP,

You see your family dynamics very clearly.

They are not healthy.

Your sister is not nice and your mother is utterly focused on what she wants and is unconcerned as to how you feel.

Stepping back from them is wise.

Do not allow your mother with her selfish agenda to guilt you.

You are an adult and you have little wish to spend time with your sister.

Instead of wondering why that is?, your mother would rather guilt you.

Don't accept it.

Have you bought a home?
If not, consider moving a bit away, if it suits you.

People like your mother who want to control your relationship with your sister without ever acknowledging that you have good reason for putting distance between, will just cause you grief in your life.

Tell your mother you don't want to discuss your sister.
End phone calls or leave the house if she pushes it.

Think about what you want and look at enforcing your boundaries.

Blow off tonight politely.
No lies.
No explanation.
It just doesn't suit.

Attend the hen do for a couple of hours and leave as early as you can.
Any mocking of you not drinking, just head off earlier.

Your sister is a bully and has been facilitated by your parents.

You don't owe anyone a relationship with you.
Even family.

You are an adult.
YOU get to choose.

It is really liberating to realise that.
You don't owe your parents a relationship with your sister.

You get to choose.

Getca few counselling sessions to tease out how you feel.
I reckon it will be money well spent.

Your instincts are good.
Listen to them.

I do think it is difficult when parents are put in this situation, understandably they want their children to get along with each other. However, its time to respect your wishes that you need to take a break from each other / have less contact.

I had two brothers take each other to court, my poor parents had to turn up to court with one son testifying against the other son in the dock. But my parents have given up on repairing any relationship since and just let them live their own lives. Any family gathering they ignore each other.

Short notice and already have plans.

Life is too short to put up with shitty behaviour

Thank you @billy1966

very good point @Youaremysunshine14 I hadn’t thought of it that way!

How have things gone?

What happened @chatterbug22 ?

I'm on the other side of the fence........ I'd go just to piss her off! 😈😈

'Thanks for the invite. I would come but I just don't want to'. 😂