To think this is ditzy rather than old age?

[kidneybeans4u]

My MIL lives with us and we want to help, but I dont know if it is age related or simply ditzy (i.e. she would have been the same back when she was 20).

She is perfectly capable of walking everywhere, remembering routes to new places, taking the bus, using smart TV, using smart phone apps, etc. However...

She forgets to close ground floor windows after leaving it open to air clothes. We discuss, she realises, then it inevitably happen again a few weeks later. It is such a security risk.

Similarly she would go to bed without locking doors that she had left open. I check every night but sometimes it is a side door that I dont even use so it gives me so much anxiety that I might miss something every night.

She waters the plants, then starts doing something else and forgets to switch off the tap.

We tell her not to pull too hard on the watering hose. She does it and it breaks. Twice.

She uses the same chopping board for raw meat and veg. Even though we have discussed many times.

She puts raw meat on the top shelf in the fridge next to edibles.

We have repeated conversations and reminders but each time she feels sorry, feels bad, and says her memory is so bad.

Am I crazy to think this is just ditzy? i.e. nothing to do with age?

maybe she needs a memory test. Ask her GP.

My mum is exactly the same but she has always been like this.
I realised that she ticks every box for ADHD in adults on the NHS website. She doesn’t recognise any of these symptoms in herself.
it may be worth your MIL going to see her GP.
These are my mum’s symptoms:

• carelessness and lack of attention to detail


• continually starting new tasks before finishing old ones


• poor organisational skills


• inability to focus or prioritise


• continually losing or misplacing things


• forgetfulness


• restlessness and edginess


• difficulty keeping quiet, and speaking out of turn


• blurting out responses and often interrupting others


• mood swings, irritability and a quick temper


• inability to deal with stress


• extreme impatience


• taking risks in activities, often with little or no regard for personal safety or the safety of others – for example, driving dangerously

It could be either.

Has she always been like this? If so then it’s probably not age. If it’s recent, then it probably is.

Do you live in a mansion? I'm just wondering how big your house is that you could have that many doors that one could get missed when locking up! Just curious!

My teenage stepson would leave our front door wide open (we live in London), stove on, oven on and open, fridge door open and so on. He's a bright young man with great job etc now, just completely absent minded.
Ask your husband if she was always like this - surely he would remember?

Some people are just careless.

My exh, when in his early 50, once went to bed and left our very large patio doors wide open, not just unlocked - it was a summer night so doors had been open all evening and I'd gone to bed earlier.

He would regularly forget to lock the same door if he was the last one to go to bed.

He's now 86 still working and still has all his faculties, so nothing to do with dementia, he was just careless.

Nobody can tell you unless they knew your MIL when she was 20. The person to ask is your DH - what was she like during his childhood? Did his DF always check things?

I’d guess age-related memory issues if she’s old enough to be living with you so that you can help her, rather than vice versa. Very common in older people.

It’s normal to have some cognitive impairment in old age - in some people this will accelerate and dementia becomes the diagnosis. Prob best see the GP

Thanks so much for the thoughts - it sounds like a mix of possible carelessness or old age. Or ADHD.

The word "careless" is actually so helpful - I couldnt put my finger on the problems before because each one was so different, but careless I think sums it up!

Thinking back, she didnt put the brakes on the pram and let it roll slightly and turned her back to our 1.5 years old allowing her to run into the road (almost).

So I have reduced the time in which she is under her sole care unless we are around.

Mine is the same, I won't trust her to watch my dogs much less any future DC. She leaves knives with the handle hanging off the edge of the worktop, ready to fall and impale a passerby's foot. Thaws out chicken in a bowl in the cupboard with the clean dishes. Leaves the oven on with door wide open with the dog hovering around, it's only a matter of time til the poor thing gets burnt. Can't keep track of time to save her life, and can't give you an answer when asked how much longer until the food is ready. Surely you must have SOME idea how much longer the meal will be in the oven? She once got carried away while pruning a mature fruit tree in her garden and chopped off every single branch and was then devastated, as though someone else had done it! It boggles the mind.

I think I might be your MIL, we’ve arrived home after a little holiday, I now realise I’ve 100% left our holiday home open and left the hot tub turned on. I obviously won’t admit this, so instead I’m seeing who I can who is localish to turn it off and lock the door and my husband will be none the wiser. I’ve also left my kindle, switch and insulin there, I’m great at adulting.

You keep "telling her" and "discussing with her". Leave the poor woman alone to make her own decisions, even if you don't agree. If the boot was on the other foot, you'd be complaining that she was interfering.

I have been ditsy all my life. I have phases of leaving lights on, failing to lock doors and so on. I use post it notes reminders when i am having a ditsy time.

Some of it may be because its how she is used to doing things...like using the same chopping board, leaving the hose turned on...water never mattered when we were on rates and environmental concerns are comparatively new. If I wasn't cooking for vegetarians or cutting salad then I wouldn't be worried about the different chopping boards because the veg is going to be cooked too. Even not putting raw next to cooked in the fridge is comparatively new, ie maybe not something from her youth. Its certainly not something from my youth. I have lived places where the ground floor windows would have been a problem and places where it wouldn't. If you have several zillion doors can you just take the keys away for the ones you don't want used?

How can you break a hose by pulling on it?

Where did she used to live, and who with? How long has she lived with you? How old is she? What does your DH think?

Its age related, possible early signs of dementia. You could ask her GP to give her a cognitive test, which forms a bench mark for any changes.

OP can't ask the GP to do anything.... Mil gets to make her own decisions.

How old is she?

I've got a relative like this, I see the loss of executive function and what a layperson would think of as signs of dementia. The medical opinion they are absolutely fine, but it's exhausting and unnerving to live with

How old is she OP?

@Seeline @Speakuptomakeyourselfheard @NoSquirrels she is 60 years old

The thing is, she is able to work out complex bus routes to take, cook new stuff with new recipes, watch and search for things on youtube etc.

We just want to make sure everyone is safe - including herself. And at the moment I am leaning towards carelessness rather than old age dementia... even though she keeps saying "oh my memory" when she leaves the tap on after using it or "oh my eyes are bad now" when she just whacks a tray against the wall causing a crack.

@FuzzyPuffling i know what you mean. its just she lives with us for extended periods of time so we have to coexist safely particularly with our little one.i want her to have time with our kid but right now i dont trust what she does and would love to get to the bottom of whether its careless or age.

Tbh some of the things you've said I think are just cases of differing priorities/not thinking something is an issue.

EG. My DP is really hot on closing windows and locking doors, but I'm not at all and even if he reminded me a couple of times over a few months, it still wouldn't be something I naturally do.

Ditto with separating food in the fridge, I think lots of people wouldn't know to do that and might not think much about doing it.

It doesn't sound age-related to me, just a mix of a bit of carelessness in your MIL and differing standards between you both.

i want her to have time with our kid but right now i dont trust what she does and would love to get to the bottom of whether its careless or age.

Tbh I wouldn't focus on this because either way the issues are the same. If she is naturally a careless/ditsy person, that's not going to change at 60, no matter how much encouragement she gets from yourself and your DH.

Age related or careless, it sounds like you can be pretty confident you wouldn't be happy/comfortable with the standard of care she would provide if you left your child with her.

Suggest she might like a visit from OPMH if the behaviour is very out of character or seems to be worsening

If there is a cognitive disorder then early intervention can make a big difference to it's progression.

The reason I asked, is that this sort of memory lapse isn't necessarily signs of dementia or carelessness, but could be the menopause. For anyone not aware, menopause can severely affect your memory, as I found out in my late 50's when I asked a nurse who visited me at home if she thought I had dementia, she did a test and I was OK, but then she said 'have you thought it might be menopause?' At that point although I'd been menopausal for a few years, I didn't really know that memory loss was a part of it, so at 60, it could well be down to that. Do you know what age she started menopause? Why not ask her if it could be that? Like me, she may have been aware of having a very poor memory, but it could be that it started during menopause. Worth considering perhaps?

All of this sounds like ADHD tbh.