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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is grief an excuse?

62 replies

ostrichneo · 01/06/2022 05:12

If someone has recently and suddenly been bereaved, can they be excused for lashing out and physically hurting someone?

I just want to clarify, no one has hurt me and I haven’t hurt anyone. I just know about the situation.

Both sides have told me their side of the story. The one who was hurt just wants to move on and forget. The one who hurt them is struggling with a whole host of emotions.

I just have no idea what to think or do. So far I haven’t really ‘done’ anything. Not really sure what I can do. I’m struggling to decide if grief is an excuse for their behaviour.

So, I wanted to get other’s opinions but didn’t really want to ask anyone I actually know.

YABU - grief is no excuse
YANBU - grief is/ can be an excuse

OP posts:
OLP2019 · 01/06/2022 05:17

In my experience grief does very weird things to people and changes them entirely
I haven't experienced any physical lashing out but certainly anger and verbal lashing out
The bereaved person sounds like they need some help

OLP2019 · 01/06/2022 05:18

That said I don't think there is any excuse for physical abuse can you give more details ? Who did they hurt etc ?

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2022 05:21

I think it could be a reason. I don't think it's an excuse.

And there is a difference between an 80 yo grandmother pushing her 6 foot tall son and the opposite. I'd need to know the power dynamics.

TheLadyDIdGood · 01/06/2022 05:23

Has the bereaved person received any counselling to process their grief. If not, then they're going to be stuck in their destructive grief cycle. I'm not excusing the violence but the grief needs to be managed properly.

TheGetaway · 01/06/2022 05:28

Why do you have to decide?
Do you need to ‘do’ anything except help?

PurpleDaisies · 01/06/2022 05:29

I think it sort of depends a little on exactly what happened. I could see myself pushing off someone trying to hug me, maybe.

Generally physical aggression is out of order. As a one off, I might possibly forgive something that happened in a specific unusual circumstance, depending on how it went off. Maybe.

I would stay out if it though.

PinkSyCo · 01/06/2022 05:31

Other than self defence, there’s never an excuse for physical violence against someone. YABU.

Original poster
ostrichneo · 01/06/2022 05:38

The person who was hurt is much younger than the person who hurt them.

There was a bit of a disagreement and they lashed out in pure anger, they admitted as much.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2022 05:45

Much younger as in a dependent or younger and fitter?

wanderingscot · 01/06/2022 05:56

In my experience, grief can lead to some unpleasant exchanges. My neighbour of 16 years became very hostile and intolerant after losing her mother suddenly. They eventually moved away thankfully as I don't think our friendship would have recovered. I had to do 'grey rock' to deal with it. No reaction- which seemed to wind her up more. It's behind us now, which is a relief.

JohannSebastianBach · 01/06/2022 06:03

Well they should apologise and mean it and try to avoid it happening ever ever again

TheVanguardSix · 01/06/2022 06:10

It’s a reason, yes. But it’s no excuse for violence. And it’s certainly no excuse for an aggressor to harm a young person- father and young son, I assume? If the young person is the instigator, the older person knows to walk away. They know that the option to avoid confrontation is the wise one.
Was alcohol involved?

daretodenim · 01/06/2022 06:13

If it's never happened before, then it could be down to the multitude of grief emotions. We think of grief as "sadness", which is almost passive, but it can be a tornado of painful emotions.

It sounds like the "hurter" is remorseful which is good but again, only if it's never happened before.

If they are truly remorseful they'll be wanting to make sure it never happens again and take steps to ensure this, probably including getting some outside help. If the remorse is more along the "poor me" lines (rather than "I can't believe I did that, I never want to do it again") then I'd be worried for the safety of the injured party.

I'm assuming this is between two adults, no children involved and the injured person not elderly/ill/significantly physically disadvantaged in comparison. In that case the remorse needs to find very significant preventative actions immediately.

girlmom21 · 01/06/2022 06:13

There is no excuse for violence and the person who lashed out needs to get some help as they're clearly an adult who's struggling very much.

FrenchBoule · 01/06/2022 06:18

Physically hurting someone is classified as abuse/assault.
Nothing can justify it.

MagicTurtle · 01/06/2022 06:25

This is a tricky question. There’s never an excuse for violence, but if the bereaved person has never done anything like this before and is genuinely devastated about their actions then I guess everyone deserves a second chance. Maybe grief counselling would help?

Bigboysmademedoit · 01/06/2022 06:49

It’s not an excuse for physical action and needs addressed as this may become their default response if glossed over. My DH has issues processing emotions like grief and can be angry and frustrated but never, ever physical.

thedancingbear · 01/06/2022 06:53

YABU. Men will use anything they can as an excuse to be violent.

LakieLady · 01/06/2022 06:54

TheLadyDIdGood · 01/06/2022 05:23

Has the bereaved person received any counselling to process their grief. If not, then they're going to be stuck in their destructive grief cycle. I'm not excusing the violence but the grief needs to be managed properly.

Good luck with that. I got 6 sessions of counselling when my DP died 18 months ago. That was the max that was allowed on the NHS, and I had to wait 4 or 5 months for it.

I've been on the waiting list for low-cost counselling for over a year. I can't afford to pay to pay £50pw for counselling, the loss of a second income has severely impacted my finances.

Tubs22 · 01/06/2022 06:59

Going though extreme grief and trauma right now and I get very angry and take my frustrations out on objects not people. There is no excuse

WildCoasts · 01/06/2022 07:07

It depends. When I lost my child I made sure her friends were looked after. I was even gentle with the person responsible. I think I could have been justified lashing out but it didn't come naturally to me. I think sometimes it might be understandable but we're still in control of our actions and choices.

muddyford · 01/06/2022 07:07

I think it can be a reason as often filters are down when someone is struggling with devastating bereavement. Never an excuse though and the person needs help to address the issue.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 01/06/2022 07:08

It can be the reason, but it doesn't excuse it.

Has the grieving person taken responsibility for their actions and apologised genuinely? If it was completely a one off and they'd done this, depending on what exactly happened, I might try to move past it. It would need to never ever happen again.

RodiganReed · 01/06/2022 07:18

If this is concerning a child, which I suspect it is, it's worrying that you even need to ask.

Life is hard. Distressing, profound, life-altering stuff happens - that doesn't give anyone the right or excuse to assault another person, much less a child.

TrailWhale · 01/06/2022 07:19

There's never any excuse for violence - grief however does do horrible things to people.

Re. "Maximum allowed limit of counselling on the NHS" - this varies; they are places that offer more than six sessions.

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