Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just grow away from someone.......after 30 years?

30 replies

Beatrixpotterspencil · 31/05/2022 22:20

Together that long. DP, not DH, both still unmarried, no problem there, and not had children, so no real issue.

For a few years now, I just can't relate to him, i am mid forties he is 60. We have always been very close and together and whatnot, but he has always prioritised his work over all else and never properly moved in with me as claimed some benefits, so my work would make that a problem (I cant support us both).

But lately, forget the finance stuff, I feel that it hurts him to listen to me talk, as if he would be happy to just live in youtube hobby stuff and never hear my voice. He is respectful and champions everything I do, but it feels as if we are not on the same page, having fun and being intimate properly.

He is a good man, in every way, but perhaps not for me. In MN terms he is a darling. But each day, year after year I feel like i am somehow insignificant, not interesting, something to be 'put up with'. If i complain we have arguments, and then if the argument is resolved well he makes this weird effort to get on it for a while then it all reverts back.

How do you reconcile that?

He responds to me, as if he has to, but i get the feeling he would be happier being a bachelor. I know he adores me and desires me, but we dont even have sex. The reason for this is he could not use condoms without losing an erection, and over the many, many years of abstinence , I have literally gone off the boil.
I don't even crave another man, or sex, it is like I am only half alive.

I do love him and care for hime so much, but we have no future unless I work my arse off the make things good.

I feel he is depressed, always lost in his online hobby (not gaming, it is something unusual like pets), but always insists things are fine. We live in a shit area and I have wanted to move for years, but he prefers the low rent and just tags along with me, when I pay to go into holiday lets for a reprieve.
I am not well off, far from it, but I am self employed and do receive occasional high commissions, so my income is higher than his - but I don't earn a lot in real terms, and images of the future terrify me.

I am happy to rent, it is my choice, and I never wanted a mortgage, but I need more than this. At least some connection and sharing of the outlay. He isn't a cocklodger by any means ( I currently live in his house), but I am not happy.

Would you leave?

OP posts:
Ducksinthebath · 31/05/2022 22:28

So you got together when you were very young and he was quite a bit older? Are you craving some of the independence people would usually experience in their early twenties before they turn their attentions to settling down?

Whetheryouthinkyoucan · 31/05/2022 22:33

but I am not happy

the only part that matters. If you think you would be happier without him, or with someone else, then end it and go and live that life.

just be sure your unhappiness is related to him/you and the relationship.

Original poster
Beatrixpotterspencil · 31/05/2022 22:34

Ducksinthebath · 31/05/2022 22:28

So you got together when you were very young and he was quite a bit older? Are you craving some of the independence people would usually experience in their early twenties before they turn their attentions to settling down?

No not really, i am happy to be my age, even his, but just crave more communication, romance, and sex. I am actually so disconnected from sex i have convinced myself i dont need it. I could be right, but I fear not.

OP posts:
GayParis · 31/05/2022 22:34

So you were 15 and he was 30 when you got together... Confused

15 years is a really big age gap. It's no wonder you're feeling disconnected.

Original poster
Beatrixpotterspencil · 31/05/2022 22:37

Whetheryouthinkyoucan · 31/05/2022 22:33

but I am not happy

the only part that matters. If you think you would be happier without him, or with someone else, then end it and go and live that life.

just be sure your unhappiness is related to him/you and the relationship.

Good god he is a lovely man, I adore him so much, we are so close and can do anything with each other, but i feel recently he is going along with me to keep me happy, like 'her indoors'. And at my age, my generation, it feels insulting.

I dont even know at this point what i desire, as i have bot had intercourse since i was 34. I dont prioritise sex but then maybe i dont know and a new life might wake me up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beatrixpotterspencil · 31/05/2022 22:39

GayParis · 31/05/2022 22:34

So you were 15 and he was 30 when you got together... Confused

15 years is a really big age gap. It's no wonder you're feeling disconnected.

Sorry no, i was 19 he was 34. that sounds dreadful but we were so in love even my parents finally went with it Grin

we have very different backgrounds, i was headed to uni from MC life and he was headed to a factory from WC. We met in the middle and related well. He did not go into factory work and became an artist.

OP posts:
WatermelonSugarEye · 31/05/2022 22:40

Hmm, just a thought but his online hobby isn't porn is it? Sorry OP but life is too short to be living like this. I could live without sex if I had to but not a complete lack of communication and romance. Could you sit him down and have a proper chat with him about how this is making you feel.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 31/05/2022 22:47

You're 20 years apart. It happens.

maythe4thbewithme · 31/05/2022 22:48

So you don't live together
You don't have kids
You don't have sex

Sorry OP but what a waste of a life. Is this really the kind of life you thought you'd have? That you aspired to?

TheWayoftheLeaf · 31/05/2022 22:48

He's getting old and retirement age while you're still in bloom.

AnnieSnap · 31/05/2022 22:51

Would he go to couples counselling with you. It may help your relationship improve. If not, it may well help you to decide the best way forward.

LicoricePizza · 31/05/2022 22:52

Could you try to resurrect the physical side of your relationship? If it’s something you miss. Obviously there are many ways to be physical & sexual with one another so maybe that’s what you do. Are other forms of contraception not possible from your side of things? It must be hard to feel the romantic element if that part is buried. There are also techniques (& medications if absolutely necessary) that can help in his and/or your department. If that side were more alive maybe he’d view or relate to you differently & you’d feel less invisible to him - not that you do but from your post it sounds like you want him to acknowledge you more. Just a thought?

Eeebleeb · 31/05/2022 22:54

Oh God, leave. He's settling into a rut and you still have some of your best years ahead of you, if you choose to embrace them. Do you want to get to YOUR sixties and this is how you spent your life? You don't want sex probably because you're cut off from yourself living a half-life. How long before you lose touch with all the other things you enjoy and care about too?

Iamnotamermaid · 31/05/2022 22:56

I knew of another couple who had a significant age gap and he always said that he knew that one day she would go off with someone younger when the generation gap became too big, like you and your partner are now.

She did leave him for someone younger but they are still friends to this day.

Luredbyapomegranate · 31/05/2022 23:01

It sounds like the relationship has run it’s course. You have a home and support yourself, so while I know it is emotionally hard to end something, you are practically able to. It will be easier for you both to move on at 45 and 60, than it will if you let it drift till when you are 55 and 70.

CheesyColeslaw · 31/05/2022 23:08

You rent but you live in his house? So your partner of 30 years is also your landlord?

Original poster
Beatrixpotterspencil · 01/06/2022 04:21

Oh no i am just a loser who failed at life.
of course any meaning or reality is lost on me because i didn't fucking marry into money or own a home.
i am free as a bird but this is scary because i didn't conform to a woman's role.

i own my own business and can move on, i am obviously in love with a man who isn't following me forward.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/06/2022 05:52

But you're not in love with him. Nothing you've said suggests that. And he tolerates you. There's a whole world out there waiting for you. Leave him and leave the area. You'll be so much happier.

Blarting · 01/06/2022 06:22

Call
A halt now and make the second half of your life the best half ever!

Jeansgoals · 01/06/2022 06:49

You only get one, op. The choice is yours.

Mashinga · 01/06/2022 06:54

GayParis · 31/05/2022 22:34

So you were 15 and he was 30 when you got together... Confused

15 years is a really big age gap. It's no wonder you're feeling disconnected.

This. It’s very wrong and weird. Not the age gap but the fact that a 30yo man was chasing a child. Maybe you’re old enough now to finally realise it’s creepy.

Badlifeday · 01/06/2022 06:55

One reason it can be hard to leave is worrying about how upset the other person will be - but it doesn't sound like he is going to mind very much!
You have a sexless relationship already, so maybe you could actually become friends one day and you move on in other areas of your life?

Googlecanthelpme · 01/06/2022 07:21

It is very hard and very sad to leave someone you love, desperately sad.

you’ve loved each other for 30 years, you’ve had a successful and loving relationship for 30 years. That is something to be proud and happy about but it doesn’t mean that it will serve you in the future.

Personally I would leave OP, you are not happy and you are no longer on the same page. It happens to a lot of people, regardless of age difference or not. You said you feel you are only half alive and not happy - that is enough to end it for me. It’ll be sad, it’ll be hard but after the initial grieving period, it’ll be exciting and invigorating too. There’s a whole life to be lived.

Rosehugger · 01/06/2022 07:38

I think with the age gap you are not on the same page now and want different things. Also this will only get worse as he ages and becomes elderly. This doesn't matter if you are in love, but it doesn't sound like you are in love with him.

billy1966 · 01/06/2022 07:42

OP,

You have so much more living that you can do.

Your life has value.

It sounds as if you could be depressed.

You have settled for very little.

The next 10 years with him, if he is like this at 60, will be truly lonely and miserable.

Get out now.
Wish him the best.
But start looking to move out the shit area and look at doing something you want, for yourself, finally.

This is a really sad read.
You have other choices you can make.

Don't be in your late 50's (like me), and be looking back at your 40's and realise it is a great decade to do things.

Your romantic relationship is over with him and he is settling into older man routine.
I see it with my lovely husband.
You are far too young to be wasting away like this.

You will bitterly regret not acting on these feelings, I can guarantee you that.

Be brave.

Swipe left for the next trending thread