Grief and anger

[TeaAndChoccie]

I can't get this out of my head. It's eating me.up.and making me feel sick every day. I've already posted about it but can't shake the sadness

We lost my mum in September. My brother and I were going to clear the house this month in preparation for sale. I told him the weekends and Sundays I was free, but him and his wife came up both Saturdays and cleared the whole house without me. I thought brother and I would spend time together deciding what to do with stuff (charity shop, keep, sell etc), then the two Sundays clearing together. But my SIL and brother did it all without me. They gutted mums house and packed away all her stuff into storage, mainly on one Saturday - knowing I'd be there on the sunday. I'm so sad I can't shake it.

I keep thinking about SIL in my mums bedroom packing all her stuff and wishing it was me, but it's too late. They've done it now. What fucking right did SIL have to rob me of that experience. What right did she have to pack up my mums clothes and personal items.

I'm so angry. I really don't ever want to see them again. I love them, but I can't shake this sadness it's in the pit of my stomach and I keep crying. It was my job to pack my mums clothes, jumpers, personal items. Not SIL. I'd never dream of going into her mum's house and poking my nose in.

I can't move on from this. It's eating me up.

I feel your sadness but did you post about this very recently?

Yes I did post really recently and probably shouldn't b posting the same thing twice. I'm just sitting here in tears today because the house sells tomorrow and I am so sad at what happened. I can't get it out of my head. I'm in bits. I never want see my brother or SIL again. They've hurt me so deeply and I can't seem to move on

I understand that you're upset, but, if I've read your post correctly, everything has been packed up and put into storage. That will give you time to go through your mum's possessions at a more relaxed pace; you may have underestimated the time it takes to go through everything as you wanted.

I'm sorry you lost your Mum💐aandaand that your DB was thoughtless and insensitive.
It sounds like you're channelling all your grief and attaching it to this one event. You feel this violation is massive now but if you weren't grieving would you feel as strong?
Can you give yourself distance and time before making the nuclear decisions?

I understand your hurt. Sorting through her things would have been part of your grieving process and you’ve now been denied that.

if her stuff is in storage could you go through some of it there? Decide on any bits you may like to keep or pass on to other family members, it may help. Is there another close family member you could do it with? Maybe share some memories.

sorry if this isn’t possible. It must be tough.

Hey, i feel your pain. I hope you can shake this anger off. Have you tried speaking to them about it? In a calm way? Im so sorry u feel robbed of something that was so important to you. Im sure they didn't know how important this was for you and maybe was just trying to be efficient and get it done. You can't help how others act only how you react. Try to make peace with what is done and focus on what you can still do. ❤️❤️❤️ sending love and healing your way x

It is stressful in the lead-up to selling a parent's house - I know that it seems very final. I would wait and see how you feel in a month or two's time, you may feel differently about it all. You may not, but after the stress of the house sale is over, I think you'd feel better if you could see yourself moving forward instead of constantly going over things that can't be changed.

I don't want to sit in some random garage somewhere opening boxes that my SIL packed up. I wanted to stand in my mums bedroom, to pack things there. I wanted to smell her jumpers, hug her hot water bottle, sit on her bed and sort through her handbags. I didn't want to have to ask my SIL where things are of have gone, ask her permission to access my mum's stuff.

The process was important for me. I've seen mum in her house every Sunday for the last 3 years, every week. Brother and sil hardly ever saw her. Now they've come blundering in and taken everything away. The storage was for brother because he won't part with anything. They never asked me, just told me they were getting storage to ease his anxiety. They do what they like and sod everyone else.

I dont want storage. I need closure. I was hoping to pack things up, sell, take to charity or keep. The end. Now they have storage I want nothing to do with it. God knows how long they'll have it for. They r selfish and I'll never forgive them for this. That was MY mum, not SILs.

have you had a conversation with them about the house clearance??

I can't stop crying :(

They may have thought they were doing you a kindness. I cannot say I have cherished packing up a departed relatives belongings (and I have had to do this, including quite recently). Unless there is some kind of history here, I would give the benefit of the doubt that it came from a good place.

I think that you are just focusing your grief. They traveled down and wanted it done in the time they had. I don't know if you answered on your other thread, but why didn't you do it in seven months?

I've only had angry conversation. I texted to say sorry I was angry and emotional. My brother an sil emailed long apology emails so I feel I should just forgive and forget but I can't. I've had to liaise with brother since about the sale. I've put kisses at the end of my texts so he probably thinks all is fine now. But truth is, this has hurt me so badly I honestly don't think i could face seeing him again. We r probably meant o spend Christmas together but I couldn't bare to be in the same room to be honest. My heart is full.of so much hate and anger right now I could explode.

I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way.

I think you need to try and calmly talk to them. Let them know how you feel about it. Maybe ask them to bring anything that is particularly special to you so that you can go through it in your own home.

hopefully you can find a way to move forward with this. They may have thought they were doing you a kindness in a kind of misguided way.

Ponoka7 - the reason I didn't touch anything in the last 7 months was out of respect for my brother. I've been there nearly every weekend since she died to sit in the lounge and have a coffee to talk to her (not that she can hear), but I've not touched her stuff out of respect for him. I was waiting for us to decide together what we would do with mums things. I thought we'd sort the house together.

We agreed we would meet at the house once offer agreed and then decide together things to keep, sell etc..

If I had known he'd be a thoughtless idiot, I would have started sorry Ng through on my own ages ago - but I stupidly waited for him out of respect of not wanting to move my mum's stuff without him.

I don’t mean this unkindly, but your Mum was equally your brother’s Mum.

You’re directing your anger at your SIL but she would have been there to help and support your brother.

Its difficult when two siblings don’t agree, it happened in my family too. In our case a clearance company was called and the whole lot was taken.

Your Mum’s things are still around. Yes, they’re not where you wanted them to be, but you can still (presumably) go and sort through them? If your brother wishes to keep everything I don’t think it’s right that you give them to a charity. If you don’t want them then there’s no harm in him having them.

Grief is horrendous and I understand the passionate anger you feel. It will subside. I’m truly sorry for your loss.

That is heartbreaking OP, completely understand why you feel as you do

That was so unfeeling of them and they had no right to do that, especially without telling you. They owe you a massive apology

It's impossible to undo though, so unfortunately you have to find some ways of getting past it

Can you spend some time in your Mum's house today to say goodbye and know that you were the last person there? It's not the same, but it's a small step

Then arrange a time to go through everything in storage, but maybe take someone with you if that would help. Get a playlist of music that your Mum liked or will remind you of her and play that as you sort through. Flask of tea or coffee and a picnic of your Mum's favorites and take as much time as you need

You’re in a very deep & sad place. I can empathise with how you would have liked to be in your Mum’s room, smelled her scent on her things & been alone with your thoughts and memories of her.
Maybe right now you’re so deep in your bereaved state of mind you can’t think of anything else but I reckon, in time, as life moves on, there might come a day when you can access the storage unit & handle Mums things again. Just give it time & make sure your brother & wife do nothing more without the courtesy of consulting and collaborating with you.
As for your relationship with the pair of them, how much do you need them in your life? Just cos it’s a sibling, you don’t have to acknowledge their place in your life.
Your upset is almost palpable & im sorry for what’s happened to you. It was awful. I do hope you can get though this just as your dear mum would want you to. Sending a hug. 💐

If he asked you to wait, then have it out with him. You won't move on without doing that.

I don't understand how your brother and SIL didn't message you to say - Hi we're at the house, are you coming? Can we start? Or words to that effect.

I'd be furious too. Beyond furious. You need to be blunt with them as to what they've done - her especially. I can't imagine tidying up MIL's stuff and not asking MIL's daughter if she was coming. You're being too nice and not telling them the truth.

They can't fix what they've done but you can't move on til you've had it out with them properly.

JimmyShoo - I know she was my brother's mum too. I couldn't care less what he wants to keep - but surely we could have decided that together. Even if we had gone through each room together and he'd said 'id like everything' then fine. At least I'd have felt included. Or if he'd had the discussion about storage 'with' me - saying, "i can't decide what to keep or throw, would you be ok with us putting some stuff in storage" - that would be better. We could have gone through the house together and decided what to put in storage. I could have asked if I could help pack the things for storage and had a say in what I'd like to pack for him. But they just decided one day that they would get storage and sod what I want.

As I said in my previous thread, I specifically stated, on multiple multiple occasions, whatever you do brother, please leave mums clothes for me to pack. He said that was fine, he didn't want them. Then the day before I was due to go and pack, SIL packed up all the clothes and everything in mums bedroom and the rest of the upstairs of the house and there were just 2 empty rooms there when I arrived

Your way is not the only way. Maybe he didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to do that either.

I initially missed the part where you have been there every week for seven months, I thought he had swooped in and cleared everything away, but as it is, it seems you have had plenty of opportunity to go through things in your own time. I feel more inclined that I was before, to think that this came from a good place and that they thought they were doing you a favour. It might have looked like you couldn’t do it.

That's very upsetting, I completely understand. I went through my mum's stuff with my siblings and it was a long, sad, process full of love and memories. I'm sorry that was taken away from you.

I am so so sorry OP - I can totally understand how you feel, as I would be the same if this were my beloved grandma. I have always told my mum that when she does go (she is well atm but in her 90s), I don't want my uncles and their wives being 'ruthless' and chucking her stuff into boxes before she and I have had the chance to go through her personal things first (we are the two closest to my gran). I would be devastated in your position. Be kind to yourself, help yourself as best you can, be that by getting some counselling, seeking solace in your friends (while this online community can help, it does not replace a coffee with someone you know), a walk in the fresh air, good diet and exercise when you feel like it, whatever it takes. Sending you a massive hug OP. One day things will feel better. It doesn't feel like it now, but it will.

I feel so so so sorry for you. I can't imagine the pain of losing your mum. 💔💔💔

I think what they did was likely not intentionally mean to you but siblings are renound for being infuriatingly annoying at the best of times! :-) Some spouses of relatives can be irritating too as they can be too over familiar in family related things cause they just can't see the perspective from outside their bubble with their husband/wife.

Your feelings and reaction are 100 per cent natural - it must have felt like such an intrusion into a sacred personal space and you are reasonable and rational in your thinking that they should have considered you more. I think though your brother is likely not himself either and he and his wife may have really thought they were being helpful.

One thing that strikes me though is that grief is an incredibly heavy feeling and it makes anything connected extremely heavy too. They say there are several stages: denial, anger, barganing, depression and acceptance. I think you're in the middle of the feelings of anger and bargaining - going back over things repeatedly trying to make sense of things and process it all thinking "if only this...if only that".
I think it's also about feeling a lack of control when you most need it. The rug was pulled from beneath you when your beloved mum died and it's all moving too fast - the house being packed away too soon before you felt you were able to process it making you feel even less of a sense of control.

People deal with grief differently and I've heard of people throwing away anything reminding them of a loved one there and then and others keeping everything the person owned exactly as it was 100 per cent in the same position in their room for years.
I feel like your two different greiving styles clashed.

In time this heavy feeling will gradually lift so you will be able to compartmentalise this whole depressing situation and think of it as a block of time that was deeply sad but not insurmountable as you may be feeling now. You will be able to remember your mum with your brother and share happy memories together without this inevitable sadness and anger from grief hanging over you with a better and more rounded understanding of how this all played out.

Sending you a big hug x