Grief and anger

[TeaAndChoccie]

I can't get this out of my head. It's eating me.up.and making me feel sick every day. I've already posted about it but can't shake the sadness

We lost my mum in September. My brother and I were going to clear the house this month in preparation for sale. I told him the weekends and Sundays I was free, but him and his wife came up both Saturdays and cleared the whole house without me. I thought brother and I would spend time together deciding what to do with stuff (charity shop, keep, sell etc), then the two Sundays clearing together. But my SIL and brother did it all without me. They gutted mums house and packed away all her stuff into storage, mainly on one Saturday - knowing I'd be there on the sunday. I'm so sad I can't shake it.

I keep thinking about SIL in my mums bedroom packing all her stuff and wishing it was me, but it's too late. They've done it now. What fucking right did SIL have to rob me of that experience. What right did she have to pack up my mums clothes and personal items.

I'm so angry. I really don't ever want to see them again. I love them, but I can't shake this sadness it's in the pit of my stomach and I keep crying. It was my job to pack my mums clothes, jumpers, personal items. Not SIL. I'd never dream of going into her mum's house and poking my nose in.

I can't move on from this. It's eating me up.

I think I understand where you are coming from, you felt that decisions should be made by you and DB equally as you shared your DM. No one else had the honour of her being their mum, it was just you and DB.

I think you need to meet DB, just the two of you and really say everything and get it off your chest. Say it all, cry and say all the things you want to say and then accept that the chapter has gone. Agree before you meet, that once you've said all you have to say, then you'll move on.

Do you think you could manage that?

The risk of offloading all of your anger onto DB is that he may become very upset with you and it could cause yet more damage to your relationship.

The packing up of the house didn't go the way you thought it would and you were right to express your upset and anger over this.

However the objects in question are still accessible to you so maybe focusing on seeing them and sorting them would be helpful for you?
Given where you are now, what is the most helpful thing to do for yourself?

Aw that's so upsetting OP. You obviously needed the closure to say a final goodbye to your Mum and to move forward. I can absolutely imagine feeling the same in that situation and it almost physically hurting to have not had that chance.

It sounds like your brother and sister-in-law are sorry for what they have done and it would be sad to miss out on your relationship with your brother in the future, by holding on to the feeling of having missed out on this. I think in your position I would go for grief counselling. You could also try writing a letter to your Mum, explaining how sad you feel about what happened and how you want to feel close to her. Then maybe you and your brother could meet up when you do get everything out of storage and go through each item together?

Alternatively rather than writing a letter to your late Mum (and maybe attaching it to a balloon or burning it or keeping it), you could send a letter to your brother explaining what you had wanted to happen and how much it meant to you (but without anger).

Grief is horrible, demanding, exhausting and bewildering. Just as you think you e got a handle on it, something else leaps up and engulfs you all over again.
There’s a well known phenomenon, the six month low, though it hit me at 8 months. I think the actions of you DB and his wife have either compounded this low, or triggered it. It’s like you’ve fallen into a put you can’t climb out of.
I had a lot of support online in a widow’s group, met many of the people who posted IRL and some became friends to this day.
I’d suggest you try to get some support from others who’ve been through the same thing, it really does help.
And get your anger out ( I found anger the hardest to deal with) Smash some old crockery, punch pillows, anything to get it out.
You won’t always feel like this, it does get better.

I feel so sad for you Teaandchoccie, your pain at losing your mother is clear in your posts. I am going through something similar, so I think I understand where some of your pain comes from.

Every stage in the process of dealing with your grief as well as your Mum's affairs will re-trigger your grief and even seemingly innocuous things will set you off.

I recently heard one of my Dad's favourite songs. I enjoyed it while it was playing, because it is also one of my favourites. Unfortunately, it became an "earworm" that I was unable to shake off for two weeks. I never thought a song I loved so much could cause me such great distress. I am sure I will one day be able to enjoy it, but at the moment, I dread hearing it again and have had to develop strategies to "bat" it away from my brain when it tries to intrude.

The reason I am telling you this, is because grief and how we react to it is complicated and unpredictable. Your brother is grieving too and you both need to look after each other while you are going through this difficult time.

Speak to him about how you feel, but in a cooperative and non-accusatory way. Let him explain why he did what he did and to reassure you that he didn't intend to compound your pain.

Comfort each other while the pain is raw and be that link to your mother that you will both need in future. 🥰

I think a few others have said what I'm thinking. You are deep in grief. You were there every week when she was alive, and you went every week after she died, for 7 months. They probably felt you were stuck in your grief and needed to get things moving for your sake. Maybe your brother couldn't face the amount of time you would take to reminisce over every item. It may feel thoughtless, but they may have a point.

Now here you are several weeks/months further on and you are still stuck in deep, deep grief. I think what you need more than anything is bereavement counselling to help you move past this and also to get past this anger which feels misplaced.

You are attaching an awful lot to the house and 'things'. Things aren't your mum, your memories were your mum, not her clothes or her trinkets. It was a big part of your life, but now you need to fill that gap with something else.

I saw your post before. Honestly, I would see a therapist. Not because anything you're feeling is unreasonable - they were totally out of line - but because you need help to process. You are feeling so much right now. The "closure" - stupid word, but you know what I mean - one of the ways you had counted on to help process your grief, is gone, and you had no control over that. You must feel stuck in a way. I think you need the chance to really talk through your anger with someone, you shouldn't be stuck alone with it, and I don't think the reactions of your DB and SIL would be helpful if you tried to discuss it with them. I'm sorry about your mum OP.

I commented on your last thread.
I really think that your anger is misplaced.

I really don't think your sister in law has done anything wrong.
She was helping your brother and she may not have even known that you wanted your mums clothes put aside.

You had fallen out with your brother before when you were sorting things out so I think you are unfair to be upset that they started clearing the house without you.

It's not at all surprising that you are feeling like you do because you are still grieving - but I think you are directing your anger in a really negative and destructive way.
I'm not sure what you are trying to achieve?
What will happen if you carry on being so angry with them?
He's already apologised.
What is going to happen if you carry on being so angry?

Have you anyone in real life to talk to?

Is this one of those situations where the brother thought he was doing you a favour, or was he just being thoughtless?

Either way I get the hurt but at least it's still in storage and not gone forever. Don't let grief turn into long-lasting anger.

I hear you OP. I would be upset as well.
But ultimately would your mother want her children to fall out about it so badly that they cancel Christmas and irreparably damage their relationship?
It sounds like your DB and DSIL acknowledge and apologise for the pain they have caused you. Would you consider asking them to bring the boxes to your house so that you can go through them together there.

My heart is full.of so much hate and anger right now I could explode

That's so sad and so pointless and negative. They have both apologised. Sometimes it's extremely difficult to control emotions but you really need to try and be more rational,about this. You need to be thinking about your Mother and grieving for her not making yourself ill.

What would your Mother have wanted?

I genuinely do mean this kindly, but have you considered looking into some counselling for your grief? I lost my own mum and know the heartache it leaves but perhaps they realise you are not coping and thought by doing it all it would spare you. I think you are romantiscising the idea of packing up your mums clothes and spending time in her room. It isn't nice and lovely, it feels intrusive and it's heartbreaking. Spending every Sunday over 7months in her house talking to her is worrying and perhaps your SIL thought you would struggle so has put your mums things in storage for you. Nobody has gotten rid of your mums things, they have simply moved them. I know it's devastating but you need to pick yourself up and try to move forward in your life.

Thanks all for your kind posts and hearing me. It's complicated. They didn't do it on purpose to hurt me and I know that. They were not trying to help me. They were trying to help DB. they didn't think I would take to long or am stuck on grief. DB was being thoughtless. However, I do love him. I know my anger is misplaced. I know mum wanted us siblings to get on more than anything else and would t have wanted us to argue. But I miss my mum so terribly much. I saw her house for the last time today as new owner completes and moves in tomorrow. I just can't stop crying. I wish the whole thing had been handled differently.

Thank you all for being nice.

Oh bless you, come back here and talk whenever you feel the need

I'm so sorry about your mum @TeaAndChoccie

💐

💐💐💐 You sound like you really loved your Mum. I'm sure you will never stop missing her but I hope things settle down for you soon.