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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - ex wants to get son a new car and wants me to pay half

38 replies

summerin69 · 31/05/2022 10:38

My son is 20. His dad - my ex - bought him a brand new car when he passed his test a few years ago.

Now my ex is contacting me saying he wants to trade my son's car up for a new model and will I pay half the monthly fees? He has suggested "simply" taking my half off the child maintenance he pays for my 16 year old daughter (which in itself is only enough to cover bills etc).

I give my son an extra amount to help top up his student loan every month which just about gets him through. He's actually being good with the money and trying to eke it out but one of his biggest expenses is his car insurance.

I have told my ex no - I won't be contributing half towards a new car. I work for myself - what the energy bills going up etc, the last thing anyone needs is an extra expense. And why does a 20 year old need a brand new car every few years? If my ex wants to go ahead and pay for it himself then fine.

I do understand there's some financial logic in trading up every few years rather than running a car in to the ground for years... but AIBU? Am I missing something?

My ex is a classic narcissist and one of the things he used to do while I was with him was pressure me into taking on more loans - cars, mortgages, home improvements, even though I earned less than him. I recognise he is doing it all over again and using emotionally loaded language (Don't you want him to have a safe car? etc - I replied as long as he keeps it MOTd and serviced then his current car will be safe.

My ex told my son about getting him the new car before he discussed it with me and now he has a call today with the car dealers - so it's all last minute as per usual. I've told him he shouldn't have told our son before discussing it with me if he wanted me to pay half.

I have also mentioned that while my son stands to get a new car, my daughter stands to lose out as money intended for her will go to a new car for her brother.

I'm standing firm on this - but just wanted to check again - AIBU?

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 31/05/2022 10:42

At 20 your son is an adult even if he is a student - you must not buy him things that aren't essentials as in a year or two time he will be expected to stand on his own two feet. The point of supporting students is that they are gradually introduced to adulthood.

A new car is not an essential as most students manage without cars at all let alone a new one.

If he was working an needed a newer car to get to work then he would have to get a loan out if he didn't have enough savings.

GodisaBC · 31/05/2022 10:42

Of course yanbu and you need to get your son on board and say no. It’s ridiculous that he has a brand new car and is paying so much on insurance.
my 20 yr old has a £500 second hand car and his insurance is £75 a month.

RedWingBoots · 31/05/2022 10:44

Oh and does your daughter know her dad is paying maintenance for her?

As most children from 14 know if the parent they don't live with is paying towards their keep.

If he cuts it and she ever finds out - which he can let slip at any time during her life - then it will damage their relationship.

Flatandhappy · 31/05/2022 10:45

That is absolutely ridiculous on so many levels. Congratulations on leaving such a moron.

BackToTheTop · 31/05/2022 10:48

Of course you aren't being unreasonable op. Sounds like the kind of stunt my ex would pull. I think it's even more awful that he wants to take it out of cm.

I'd sit down with your ds and have a conversation with him about it, explain you don't have an unlimited amount of money and you're already contributing to his education.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 31/05/2022 10:48

YANBU. Your son is lucky to have a car as a student and if insurance is already a headache that will be worse if he has a new car. Your ex is being ridiculous.

BBQBoke · 31/05/2022 10:51

Wat a cheeky mean rotten bastard. He would actually let his daughter go without essentials to fund an upgraded car for his son. Not only is it cruel to his daughter but putting his son in that position too. How would your son feel if he knew what his dad was going to do to his sister. You're well shot of this scumbag.

Howshouldibehave · 31/05/2022 10:55

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable here.

I would sit your son down today and make sure he knows you won’t be doing this. If your son wants a newer car, he needs a job. My 20 year old Saxon has NO car at all, because he is a student and has no income!

Onemoresleeptogonow · 31/05/2022 10:55

My exh bought ds a car. Absolutely nothing to do with me.. Just ignore op.

Rainbowqueeen · 31/05/2022 10:58

No one needs a new car every few years.

Your poor DD. He’s made it pretty clear where she sits in the pecking order hasn’t he. Dickhead

RandomMess · 31/05/2022 10:59

😆😆😆😆😆

He can F right off.

If he wants to be his son a new car that's up to him and him alone.

Original poster
summerin69 · 31/05/2022 11:00

Thanks everyone.

Narcissists love playing head games. Luckily I am so much stronger now.

The first thing I have done is send my son a text explaining that I can't help financially towards a new car - that instantly stops my ex playing me off against him. He is a good boy with his head on straight and knows he is lucky. He actually understands and feels embarrassed about asking for money etc.

Then this following exchange:

Me: I'm not in a position to contribute financially. That's all there is to it.
Him: Maybe you should get a job then? (I work for myself and work bloody hard - but with rising costs etc I just want to be careful).
Me: Or maybe you should earn more money? How about that?

Him: I don't need to
Me: "Well, if you want to buy your son a new car and need to depend on your ex-wife to pay half then clearly you do?"

Him: I'm not depending. That's the difference.
Me: Then we're good then? If you want to buy him a car, you can pay for it yourself.

Usually I wouldn't engage - but actually feel very strong in myself about this. For context, the old me, completely battered into submission by him with my confidence at an all time low - would be feeling really bad about this by now, feeling guilty and worthless as a mum and person.

It may sound extreme but when you are with someone who abuses you physically, emotionally and financially - that's what happens.

Sorry - just needed some back up.

OP posts:
Alsonification · 31/05/2022 11:02

My exh tried to do this with my eldest. He very generously offered to buy her a car for her 18th if I paid all insurance & tax. Now the car was going to be second hand & he wasn’t spending more than €1000. I told him to get to fuck.

TibetanTerrah · 31/05/2022 11:04

I think you've done really well with that exchange.he doesn't get to decide how you spend your money.

Rainbowqueeen · 31/05/2022 11:06

Your responses were perfect. Well done.

TheAgeOfAquarius · 31/05/2022 11:08

That text exchange is beautiful @summerin69 absolute gold!!!

orwellwasright · 31/05/2022 11:11

RedWingBoots · 31/05/2022 10:42

At 20 your son is an adult even if he is a student - you must not buy him things that aren't essentials as in a year or two time he will be expected to stand on his own two feet. The point of supporting students is that they are gradually introduced to adulthood.

A new car is not an essential as most students manage without cars at all let alone a new one.

If he was working an needed a newer car to get to work then he would have to get a loan out if he didn't have enough savings.

You have completely missed the OP's point.

RandomMess · 31/05/2022 11:25

Love your response!!

Only another few years and you never have to engage with the fucker ever again.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 31/05/2022 11:30

I do love the way these bastards love spending other peoples money for them.
Well done on standing firm.

ringemoooo · 31/05/2022 11:33

He's a knob. Stay strong.
Your DS does not need a new car. If ex wants to him to have one then he pays for it himself.
Why the fuck does ex think it's appropriate to divert your daughter's child maintenance away from her and into some flash new car for his son which is not needed?
Does he think male offspring are of more value than female, because that's what it looks like?
Will DD be getting a new car when she is 17 and then getting it upgraded when she is 20? I doubt it.

BiddyPop · 31/05/2022 11:34

Absolutely perfect response - if XH wanted to buy a car for DS, that is HIS choice to spend HIS money.

He NEVER had the right to spend your money or make you take on debt.

But he particularly now has absolutely no right or no capacity to make you take on additional debt or payments for something you do not agree to.

And as for "using DD's maintenance to cover", he has ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT to do that, as that money is for YOUR JOINT DD who is still a minor. Not an adult. And especially not for an adult who has something that does what is necessary. And whom you are still supporting as well.

ringemoooo · 31/05/2022 11:34

BTW your responses to his bullshit are perfect and should be preserved somewhere so that other Mumsnetters can adapt them for similar situations where exes are being twats about things like this.

BiddyPop · 31/05/2022 11:35

And how is he going to pay for DD's car next year when she turns 17?!

FloweryCurtainTwitcher · 31/05/2022 11:37

Sounds like he didnt buy him a car. He got one on credit/lease

Not the same at all.

Datgal · 31/05/2022 11:40

I don't comment on these posts often. But I just want to say op, that text exchange and your responses are brilliant!! And good on you for sticking up to the bully!! 😀. These fuckers just get away with saying what they want don't they?
Well, why should we play along?
Well played 👍🏼

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