AIBU - ex wants to get son a new car and wants me to pay half

[summerin69]

My son is 20. His dad - my ex - bought him a brand new car when he passed his test a few years ago.

Now my ex is contacting me saying he wants to trade my son's car up for a new model and will I pay half the monthly fees? He has suggested "simply" taking my half off the child maintenance he pays for my 16 year old daughter (which in itself is only enough to cover bills etc).

I give my son an extra amount to help top up his student loan every month which just about gets him through. He's actually being good with the money and trying to eke it out but one of his biggest expenses is his car insurance.

I have told my ex no - I won't be contributing half towards a new car. I work for myself - what the energy bills going up etc, the last thing anyone needs is an extra expense. And why does a 20 year old need a brand new car every few years? If my ex wants to go ahead and pay for it himself then fine.

I do understand there's some financial logic in trading up every few years rather than running a car in to the ground for years... but AIBU? Am I missing something?

My ex is a classic narcissist and one of the things he used to do while I was with him was pressure me into taking on more loans - cars, mortgages, home improvements, even though I earned less than him. I recognise he is doing it all over again and using emotionally loaded language (Don't you want him to have a safe car? etc - I replied as long as he keeps it MOTd and serviced then his current car will be safe.

My ex told my son about getting him the new car before he discussed it with me and now he has a call today with the car dealers - so it's all last minute as per usual. I've told him he shouldn't have told our son before discussing it with me if he wanted me to pay half.

I have also mentioned that while my son stands to get a new car, my daughter stands to lose out as money intended for her will go to a new car for her brother.

I'm standing firm on this - but just wanted to check again - AIBU?

Ex is a knob end. Stick to your guns and your text exchange is perfect. I wonder how DS would feel about his suggestion to cut DD support to pay for his new car would go down. Brothers can be quite protective of sisters and i imagine your son would be mortified if he knew this was what Ex is suggesting.

*tolerate it, not play!

What an idiot! Glad your DS can see through it too. Love your responses too.

@Alsonification so he wanted you to pay what I'm guessing had to be the much bigger expense but he would get to be the one buying/ giving the actual car 🙄 what a knob

100% not being unreasonable and the 1% who voted you are clearly cannot read (or is the husband himself). What an absolute piece of shit to tell your son before speaking to you and then expect you to go half. Unreal behaviour.

If you're talking about the current car, that's a good point.

Maybe the contract is up and he either needs to pay the balloon payment, take out a new contract or hand the car back, and prices have gone up so he can't afford to continue?

Does your DS know how the current car is financed/paid for OP?

Stay strong anyway. I can't believe how cheeky some people are with other people's money, but it's worrying that he will just go along with his plan anyway and cut the money he pays for DD.

Just brilliant text exchange op - bloody well done

Do you get maintenance for your dd via the cms service?
If not it maybe worth doing as he won't be able to just decide to reduce amounts....and would remove a control lever from him..

He's totally unreasonable. He wants to take money away from your DD, so your DS can have a new car? The child maintenance is for her, not you.

My exh had suggested I pay ds's insurance.. Message via ds. I just said sorry ds I can't afford it.

Well done OP! Perfect response, no need to discuss it more with him. If he persists, screenshot your previous replies without further comment.

I think that’s a good response from you. Sounds like from your history with your ex he enjoys trying to tie you into joint financial commitments so he’s just trying to do it again and attempting a bit of emotional manipulation while he’s at it.

Stay firm and just think, not long to go now and you can block his ass and let your grown up kids deal with him if they choose to. I’m nearly there myself and honestly it feels like coming towards the end of a prison sentence.

I'm reminded a tale my mother tells (she's now in her 80s). She'd saved up to buy her first car, worked it out down to the last penny including insurance and running costs. It made sense to order it local to her parents. When it came she discovered her father had kindly paid the extra to upgrade it to a better model. Which she couldn't afford the running costs for... (this was I think when she was working in management, in her early 20s, over 17-18 yr old boys being paid more than she was, before equal pay laws started to come in)

Nicely done OP! 🌹