Would you forgive your partner for saying this?

[Ishacoco]

Context: abroad, in holiday. DP snoring is an issue and has been very much recently, seriously preventing me from sleeping (I am pregnant). Tonight I said (perfectly nicely) that one of us had to sleep elsewhere because he was snoring and he said "Oh you're all happiness and joy aren't you, never happy unless you're making someone else miserable." Said in a nasty tone.

I admit it could be pregnancy hormones but I am so, so hurt. I think it's a horrible thing to say and so, so wrong, Im not like that at all!. I'm struggling to move past it today.

Would you forgive your partner for saying this?

YABU - it's not that bad, get over yourself.

YANBU - it was a cruel and unnecessary thing to say and you're right to be hurt.

YANBU. That was really horrible.

That's a horrible thing for him to say. If he doesn't get his snoring under control he's going to find himself on his own, too.

Yanbu. That's really nasty 🙁
Did he say sorry when he realised what he said and that it upset you ?

It's not something that I couldn't forgive but at the same time it's not something that I could just leave, I'd have to have it out with him until I got an apology.

I'd be sitting down with him when we both had some spare time etc and saying that what he said really hurt my feelings, I'm pregnant so already tired and without putting blame on him, the fact is he is snoring and its affecting me badly. You werent having a go or moaning, you were making him aware of the issue (because it is an issue that there are ways of overcoming, there are lots of things to try that can help snoring) and trying to discuss a solution (sleeping separately). Why has he chosen to make it a personal attack on you? Why does he think you should just survive on little sleep every night feeling worse and worse every day? Why does he feel like you shouldn't be able to talk about it? What solution would he like to see, because it's clear that you're not just going to get used to it/ be able to block it out

Yes he’s a twat!

And YANBU by the way

Yanbu to be hurt by that comment. It runs deeper than just about snoring. You need to have a calm discussion with him about it and find out what he means.

YANBU.

That was nasty and I'd want to talk about it. Explain what he meant by I'm never happy unless I'm making someone miserable because that's quite a statement to make and implies long term resentment. Do I constantly make him miserable? Is he saying I make everyone around me miserable? I'd make him bloody miserable unpicking exactly what the fuck he was saying about me!

That was nasty.

But if his snoring is depriving him of sleep he may well be ratty.

Snorers don't always realise that they are not sleeping properly and are often tired and irritable.

He needs to address his snoring for his own well being and if he doesn't he is being selfish as it affects your wellbeing too.

Thanks everyone, it helps to have some validation.

He has not apologised, although he is a bit sheepish this morning. What should I be saying to him?? I'm a bit lost here. He's going to downplay it.

I just think it was a cruel thing to say. I can't imagine saying anything like that myself.

No that’s a terrible thing to say. He’s getting defensive. I feel your pain OP. My husband snores like a train. He has sleep apnea and I feel like I’m always nagging him to put his mask back on.

don’t let him downplay it. You deserve an apology and he needs to see someone about the snoring too

I would be upset too OP.

I would bring it up today and ask what he meant by it... It's an extreme reaction to a fairly reasonable suggestion, which to me implies there's other unresolved issues. IME it's best to get these out in the open rather than let them fester.

What’s the point of an apology if that’s how he genuinely sees you? The apology would be insincere. There are deeper issues there. Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaketh.

YABU

It sounds like you wanted to start an argument tbh so it does sound like he may have a point.

You said you think one of you needs to sleep somewhere else - you were basically saying he needs to sleep somewhere else.

Else you would have just said I can’t sleep with the snoring so I’m going to sleep on the sofa.

I am someone who needs my sleep so I get your frustration but him saying you’re never happy etc isn’t nasty if it’s true.

Is there a spare room?

I would be sitting down and having a serious conversation around a table.
I would not be skirting the issue, or having it down played.

What did he mean when he said you were miserable, in what ways are you miserable? Examples are needed. Quietly assess if he has a point, or if he is just being unkind.
I would ask him what he intends to do about the snoring. As it is very disturbing for you, and will be for the baby.
Did he drink too much?
Is he annoyed because he perceives there to be a lack of fun as you are pregnant?
What are his expectations of this holiday?
State your expectations of the holiday

I sense there is a deeper problem here op. Did he want and hope for a baby or is it unplanned?

And as a pregnant woman you should never be sleeping on the sofa when someone else is snoring!

“DH, I would like to talk about what you said to me the other night, which I was really hurt by, and also the problem that your snoring is making it difficult for me to sleep. When I said one of us needed to sleep elsewhere, I thought you would understand that it was about making sure we both got a decent nights sleep. When you said “I’m never happy unless I’m making someone else miserable” I felt that was a really harsh and untrue attack on my character. I just want to be able to sleep well and I can’t sleep through your snoring. I know it’s an inconvenient problem for you to deal with, but it’s a necessary problem to solve. I’d like to know why you said what you said to me, and what you think should be done to solve the problem of your snoring interrupting my sleep.”

If his reply involves dismissing your hurt feelings as being “over-sensitive/dramatic”, waves his comment off as “just something I didn’t mean” or suggests the problem should be solved mainly by you inconveniencing yourself instead of him seeking medical help, then I suggest you save yourself years of unhappiness and consider whether you really want to stay in this marriage.

YANBU. I imagine he thinks he should be able to enjoy his holiday without being bothered by you about his snoring (which presumably doesn't trouble his sleep). Tough shit if his pregnant wife can't enjoy her holiday because she's being kept awake by him though, eh?

If you can summon up some patience, I'd put it to him like that, but nicer. "I understand that you don't want your holiday to be spoiled by talking about snoring issues, but I'm pregnant and need my sleep - surely it's understandable that I don't want my holiday to be spoiled by that".

It's a fucking awful thing to say. He hasn't said, in a moment of irritation, that you're sometimes a bit naggy/moany/unpleasant. He's literally saying that you are only able to derive enjoyment from being a cunt to everyone else. That's quite the statement. I wouldn't leave but I'd make it clear it's the last time a thought like that comes out of his arsehole mouth.

On what planet was the OP trying to start an argument? She just asked politely if the sleeping arrangements could change because of the snoring.

Also - she's pregnant - it stands to reason that she would get the normal bed because, you know, she's carrying a baby.

YANBU I would also have been very hurt by this pregnant or not. In fact it would have cut me to the quick and I’d probably have gone a bit cold on him for saying it. A long time ago I was having lunch with a friend, we had pizza and we were laughing and chatting and having a lovely time and I just casually said something like ‘Oh they’ve put olives on my pizza, I don’t like olives’ (while picking them off) she snapped back really nastily at me “you’re always bloody moaning about something!” I was very hurt, didn’t say anything but finished lunch said my goodbyes and distanced myself after that. I didn’t see this friend very often and think it was the first lunch in a restaurant we’d ever had so I didn’t understand where this came from and I didn’t have a reputation for being a ‘moaner’, I’ve got a naturally sunny disposition. I think you have every right to feel very hurt by your partner.

Why didn't you ask if he wouldn't mind sleeping on the sofa, as you're having trouble sleeping due to the snoring? It didn't need to be framed as 'one of us', because if you're pregnant, it needs to be him. Direct conversation.

I'd probably be miffed if my husband said what yours did - but at the same time, is there any merit to it? Is it something one will say as a snippy response if it didn't have a truth element?

My husband is a bit like this - not quite as cruel but he gets ridiculously defensive if he thinks he is being criticised in any way! Snoring is a sore point for him. He know he snores but his 'My mummy tells me I am a good boy' mentality always turns him in a dick if I raise it.

Oh and if I shush him he turns in to a 3 old...it wouldn't surprise me if one day I get a full on temper tantrum out of him.

I am not saying it is right behaviour but this is more about his inability to accept he is causing a problem at night rather than anything to do with you.

Definitely raise it - tell him that you will not accept this childish behaviour especially as you are about to have a child. Make sure he knows that he genuinely hurt you and tell him you will not put up with it again.

Also - she's pregnant - it stands to reason that she would get the normal bed because, you know, she's carrying a baby.

So why didn’t she say - can you sleep on the sofa because I can’t sleep.

Her phrasing it like she wants a discussion about it when she obviously doesn’t want to sleep on the sofa herself, can be seen as trying to start an argument.

Yabu. And yabu