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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever just 'friends'?

41 replies

tinydancet · 31/05/2022 08:08

AIBU to feel men and woman (heterosexual) can never be 'just friends'? There always is some attraction there?

The only exception is people who have known each other since School / are family friends who have literally grown up together? At least nothing sexual happening.

I ask because my friend and I had a conversation last night. A guy she met online and he slept with her at the weekend, he has now said he does not want a relationship. She went and met up with him last night - he told her he needed advice with a medical issue (she is a Dr). I told her to proceed with caution. She said I was being unsupportive - and of course he just wants to be friends.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Theworldisquiethere · 31/05/2022 08:17

Totally possible to be just friends, but more
complicated if they went into it expecting a relationship. I have plenty of male friends where there is no romantic interest from either of us, who I have met as an adult, but I think the difference is that there was never any expectation of a relationship from either of us in the first place.

Vicliz24 · 31/05/2022 08:21

It absolutely is possible to just be friends . I have male friends I've known for years but not as far back as school who I have never had any remotely physical moments with . Some of them are almost brothers to me

YouWhatLove · 31/05/2022 08:23

Two of my best friends are male, of course it’s possible.

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 31/05/2022 08:25

He’s using her for sex/medical advice

there are a couple guys I have met (mostly through work) that I was class at friends, that I’ve kept some contact with since moving on, and can honestly say there is no attraction, no hint of anything untoward ever but I think this is few and far between…

maddy68 · 31/05/2022 08:26

That's ridiculous. Most of my friends old and new are male I can assure you there is nothing attraction sexually

Original poster
tinydancet · 31/05/2022 08:27

Vicliz24 · 31/05/2022 08:21

It absolutely is possible to just be friends . I have male friends I've known for years but not as far back as school who I have never had any remotely physical moments with . Some of them are almost brothers to me

She had slept with her though, he dumped her then asked if wanted to be friends.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 31/05/2022 08:27

When you ask men this the consensus is that if sex was offered by their female friend, they'd go for it. It's rare that there isn't sexual attraction on the man's part. Or just an ego thing. It's rare that there's friendship in the way that men have friendships with other men. In your friend's case, he now wants to keep her on the back burner.

Original poster
tinydancet · 31/05/2022 08:27

YouWhatLove · 31/05/2022 08:23

Two of my best friends are male, of course it’s possible.

Have you slept with them though?

OP posts:
kittensinthekitchen · 31/05/2022 08:29

Don't be ridiculous. I've got many male friends from various stages of my life that are "just friends".

Original poster
tinydancet · 31/05/2022 08:30

Ponoka7 · 31/05/2022 08:27

When you ask men this the consensus is that if sex was offered by their female friend, they'd go for it. It's rare that there isn't sexual attraction on the man's part. Or just an ego thing. It's rare that there's friendship in the way that men have friendships with other men. In your friend's case, he now wants to keep her on the back burner.

She has messaged to say last night went well - he dropped her off and he now wants to take her out for food when he is back?
My spider senses are tingiling that he is a user dangling her along. He knows full well she liked him? Wouldnt the kindest thing to do to just leave her alone.

OP posts:
DelurkingAJ · 31/05/2022 08:40

I have dear friends who were boyfriends many many years ago. No sexual attraction any more despite being there 20 years ago. In some case we’ve both been single, acted as a plus 1, gone to a party, got drunk and not fallen back into bed with each other!l so I’m pretty happy that’s long gone.

XelaM · 31/05/2022 08:43

I have loads of male friends that I have known for years - most I met at work but we have become close friends. Nothing sexual/no attraction whatsoever, we just hang out and have a good time. It's totally possible.

Fairislefandango · 31/05/2022 08:45

Of course it's possible to have friends of the opposite sex with no sexual attraction. Obviously not in your friend's situation though - how could there be no sexual attraction involved when it started as a sexual relationship? Confused

Original poster
tinydancet · 31/05/2022 08:45

I think I should rephrase my question

Is it possible to just be friends with someone you have already had sex with?

OP posts:
Original poster
tinydancet · 31/05/2022 08:46

Fairislefandango · 31/05/2022 08:45

Of course it's possible to have friends of the opposite sex with no sexual attraction. Obviously not in your friend's situation though - how could there be no sexual attraction involved when it started as a sexual relationship? Confused

This was my point. I said if he said he just wanted to be friends from the first date fine - but they kissed on the first date and all the other dates until sex at the weekend. He then did a 180 and now just wants to be friends.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 31/05/2022 08:46

I never understand why people say it's not possible! I've had many make friends throughout life. Of course there are cases when one might have feelings for the other but generally men and women can be friends. Why not? We're all humans. One of my best friends is a man and we have an extremely close bond - and not a hint of sexual attraction.

kittensinthekitchen · 31/05/2022 08:52

tinydancet · 31/05/2022 08:45

I think I should rephrase my question

Is it possible to just be friends with someone you have already had sex with?

Rephrase the question? That's a totally different question!

But yes, I have continued to be friends with men despite previous sexual encounters.

Thebeastofsleep · 31/05/2022 09:00

You're asking two different questions:

Can men and women ever just be friends? Yes. I have 3 very good male friends who prove this. Never anything sexual with them ever.

Can the 2 people in your OP ever just be friends? No.

Thebeastofsleep · 31/05/2022 09:01

tinydancet · 31/05/2022 08:45

I think I should rephrase my question

Is it possible to just be friends with someone you have already had sex with?

Yes.

Again, have a male friend I can use to evidence this.

That's an entirely different question though.

Thebeastofsleep · 31/05/2022 09:01

tinydancet · 31/05/2022 08:45

I think I should rephrase my question

Is it possible to just be friends with someone you have already had sex with?

Yes.

Again, have a male friend I can use to evidence this.

That's an entirely different question though.

SickAndTiredAgain · 31/05/2022 09:02

tinydancet · 31/05/2022 08:45

I think I should rephrase my question

Is it possible to just be friends with someone you have already had sex with?

That's a totally different question. But yes, I have a friend who I've slept with.

And to your original question, one of my best friends is a man I've never slept with, and never wanted to sleep with.

Original poster
tinydancet · 31/05/2022 09:02

Thebeastofsleep · 31/05/2022 09:00

You're asking two different questions:

Can men and women ever just be friends? Yes. I have 3 very good male friends who prove this. Never anything sexual with them ever.

Can the 2 people in your OP ever just be friends? No.

Can the 2 people in your OP ever just be friends?

This was my point. I asked wrong question initially.

What is he playing at?! I know full well she is hoping he changes his mind as she really liked him.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 31/05/2022 09:08

tinydancet · 31/05/2022 08:27

Have you slept with them though?

Show quote history

No....that's the point. They are just friends

Rainbowqueeen · 31/05/2022 09:11

For the people you are talking about, no they can’t be proper friends but mainly because he sounds like a user.

roarfeckingroarr · 31/05/2022 09:13

I have lots of male friends I slept with many years ago. It's absolutely platonic now and they're great friends, but if I offered most would probably go for it.