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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it ever just 'friends'?

41 replies

tinydancet · 31/05/2022 08:08

AIBU to feel men and woman (heterosexual) can never be 'just friends'? There always is some attraction there?

The only exception is people who have known each other since School / are family friends who have literally grown up together? At least nothing sexual happening.

I ask because my friend and I had a conversation last night. A guy she met online and he slept with her at the weekend, he has now said he does not want a relationship. She went and met up with him last night - he told her he needed advice with a medical issue (she is a Dr). I told her to proceed with caution. She said I was being unsupportive - and of course he just wants to be friends.

AIBU?

OP posts:

ForestFae · 31/05/2022 09:13

Of course it’s possible. It’s also really heteronormative to think this - by this logic, bisexuals would have no friends, for example.

Smartsub · 31/05/2022 09:14

I think it's very possible to be friends as part of a friendship group and sometimes to do things as a pair, separate from that group. Also to have an opposite sex casual friend would see and message now and again.

I think when it's an intimate "best" friend situation, with regular contact and only ever meeting up 121, it's highly unlikely to be just friends.

Your friend's situation seems fine though. As long as she's clear what she wants/is prepared to give to the friendship.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 31/05/2022 09:16

Yes you can be 'just friends' can gay people only have friends of the opposite sex if attraction is always there?

Yes you can continue a friendship with someone you had sex with if both people want to.

The situation described in your OP - totally different, he's using your friend.

Original poster

tinydancet · 31/05/2022 09:18

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 31/05/2022 09:16

Yes you can be 'just friends' can gay people only have friends of the opposite sex if attraction is always there?

Yes you can continue a friendship with someone you had sex with if both people want to.

The situation described in your OP - totally different, he's using your friend.

He gave her lots of wine last night and asked her loads about her ex partner - when she last seen him and all. It all seems a bit weird and like he is using her. I dont think I can say anymore tbh

OP posts:

mamaduckbone · 31/05/2022 09:20

Completely possible to be just friends but possibly not if it started out as something else. I have male friends, but haven't ever slept with any of them...

Octomingo · 31/05/2022 09:50

I think it's easier to be just friends with people you've slept with, cos the tension's been and gone.

But someone you met, dated, shagged on Saturday and now want to just be friends with seems a bit fast. He's keeping his options open.

Indigoo03 · 31/05/2022 10:00

For context - Did they meet on a dating site?

Original poster

tinydancet · 31/05/2022 10:01

Indigoo03 · 31/05/2022 10:00

For context - Did they meet on a dating site?

Of course they met on a dating site. I dont even think He is single. She said he had her saved under the male version of her name and it was a typing error. 🤡 oops

(You can tell I am totally cynical about this whole thing)

OP posts:

perimenofertility · 31/05/2022 10:17

tinydancet · 31/05/2022 08:45

I think I should rephrase my question

Is it possible to just be friends with someone you have already had sex with?

I do have a friend like this. We didn't actually sleep together but did everything else but that. We dated for a few months, decided not to pursue the relationship and became great friends instead. He got married to someone else, I went to their wedding, kids birthdays, etc. I spend time with them all as a family, but also regularly meet him just the two of us for dinner as friends - we work in the same industry so that's the connection now. Genuinely no attraction from either of us.

iklboo · 31/05/2022 10:20

Two of my best friends are male. Completely platonic - I'm technically old enough to be one of them's mum. I've always had more male friends than female. I've slept with a couple when I was younger and it didn't change the dynamic.

One male friend I did sleep with...well, we've been married 18 years in October.

daisy46 · 31/05/2022 10:38

you are correct OP, but you can't save your friend from herself. He's a user and probably a cheater. 🙄

caringcarer · 31/05/2022 10:38

I take my son to play cricket every week. A match last about 6 hours. Most boys Dad's take them. Only 2 Mums tend to go. Me and other lady have made firm friends with Dad's who go every week. It would be hard to spend so many hours together each week and not become friends. So we share picnics, sometimes one of them carries my chair for me as I am loaded up, we all sit together and chat over the years we have all grown quite close. So I get invited to BBQs at their home etc. There are so if al aspects to cricket such as quizzes and social evenings. No sexual attraction just mutual support and respect. I would count them as friends.

suzyscat · 31/05/2022 23:58

Yes it's possible to be friends and not shag.

Yes it's possible to become good friends after a random hook up.

This guy doesn't come across well I the comments I've read so far, I wouldn't be his friend.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 01/06/2022 00:11

Of course it's possible! I have plenty of male friends and have zero romantic, sexual or physical attraction to them. To be completely honest, several of them i'd shudder at the thought of having to kiss or worse.

MaximumLeeway · 01/06/2022 00:15

Ponoka7 · 31/05/2022 08:27

When you ask men this the consensus is that if sex was offered by their female friend, they'd go for it. It's rare that there isn't sexual attraction on the man's part. Or just an ego thing. It's rare that there's friendship in the way that men have friendships with other men. In your friend's case, he now wants to keep her on the back burner.

This is my experience.

MintJulia · 01/06/2022 00:42

Of course it's possible. One of my best friends is a man I worked with 20 years ago. We have the same sense of humour, work in the same industry, have spent countless evenings in a bar after work, and nothing sexual has ever happened.

He's in a long term relationship (14 years) and anyway, I just couldn't go there. He's a sort of surrogate brother.

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