Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband has done it again

34 replies

Han831 · 30/05/2022 17:45

I am really upset by my husband and have I am now at the point that I don't know what to do.

We have 2 young dc and a few years ago I found out my husband had been lying about money. Spending unnecessarily, credit card I didn't know about and being really unsupportive with our newborn baby. He moved out for a while but we moved past it.

I was upset that he lied, made excuses for not telling me things and it really shook my trust in him. Financial security is important to me as well as honesty and he knows that.

Fast forward 4 years and he now has his own business. He promised he would be open about money and hasn't spent money on things we hadn't agreed on from his business account. I've found out this isn't true. It isn't a lot of money but he doesn't seem to understand that it's the point. He said he wouldn't do it and he has.
He says it because he doesn't think, and it isn't intential but my argument is that he knows how important it is to me that when we have agreed on something he follows through.

I am at the point of leaving. What's the point of being with someone that doesn't do what they said they would and be financially trustworthy? If he 'forgets' about this stuff then what else can he forget to tell me?

I'm really scared as I think my marriage is over. I don't think I respect him anymore. I always feel like I am waiting to find out he has lied about something. He says these things wouldn't bother him if it were me but I have to point out that I haven't done anything to make him doubt me.

OP posts:

Whatever00 · 30/05/2022 17:52

I guess it depends what he is buying/spending.

I wouldn't run every purchase by my OH and if he expected me to I would find that extremely controlling. However, I would discuss big purchases. What are the parameters for spending? Is he aware what exactly you want to know about? E.g all purchases above x amount.

Thwomp · 30/05/2022 17:59

Sorry, I’m not sure if I understand correctly - it reads as though your DH isn’t allowed to spend any money unless you have pre-approved it. Is that right?

Original poster

Han831 · 30/05/2022 18:00

It's not the amount that I'm bothered by, it's the account that it's from and that we had agreed what that was for. I don't want to know every purchase he makes but when we make an agreement about money I think he should stick to it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Han831 · 30/05/2022 18:02

Basically it's a business account that he is using for things we hadn't agreed. We are living month to month as it is and need to be careful.

We have agreed a plan but he isn't doing it.

OP posts:

Whatever00 · 30/05/2022 18:05

Han831 · 30/05/2022 18:00

Your being a bit cryptic. So is it that he is spending from the business account when you have already assigned the business account money to something else?

Whatever00 · 30/05/2022 18:07

Did he buy something frivolous or necessary?

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/05/2022 18:46

"I don't think I respect him anymore. I always feel like I am waiting to find out he has lied about something."

That, to me, is the main point. No respect and no trust. I don't think it's possible to feel love for a person you don't respect. And the lack of trust is keeping you in a state of anxiety. This is no way to live.

BarbaraofSeville · 30/05/2022 18:48

I get you OP.

He's been spending on himself or the business when not strictly necessary, while you've been cutting back or going without and he's undermined your efforts to stick to a budget.

Unless you have plenty of spare money, personal spending on non essentials for adults is at the bottom of the priority list. You only spend what is available after everything else is covered, including annual and irregular expenses, pensions, emergency fund, debt repayments, the lot.

It doesn't matter if it's large or small amounts. Some people can piss through huge amounts of money in £5 here and £10 there. It's about being on the same page and equally sharing what little amount of truely disposable income you can free up so you both have a bit of your own money, after everything else has been covered and you're not getting into debt.

Prettybubblesintheair · 30/05/2022 18:50

I don’t think he should have to run EVERY purchase past you. If he’s out and fancies a coffee does he have to phone you and ask? It all depends how much money, what he’s buying and does it leave you and dc without essentials?

pinkyredrose · 30/05/2022 18:51

What did he buy?

Picklerick42 · 30/05/2022 18:54

Do you run every purchase through him?

The issue isn't his spending. The issue is that you have never learnt to trust him after the first time. The scenario you've given is like people who check their partner's phone after an affair. The trust is gone and no amount of 'rules' can fix it.

ICanSmellSummerComing · 30/05/2022 18:56

Op can't you both have a joint account with enough to cover everything major, all major bills and family expenses? So you know the money that's jeded is there

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 30/05/2022 18:57

Another here who needs to know what it is he bought on the business account.

ICanSmellSummerComing · 30/05/2022 18:57

Barbara, DH are literally on the same page as we use a spreadsheet!

Whatever00 · 30/05/2022 19:27

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/05/2022 18:46

"I don't think I respect him anymore. I always feel like I am waiting to find out he has lied about something."

I reckon you have hit the nail on the head. OH has lost OPS trust snd respect.

OP you don't need a reason / excuse / evidence of wrong doing to end the relationship. Feeling unable to trust him is enough.

That being said I wouldn't want, nor would I tolerate, someone watching every penny I spend. I would feel controlled and micromanaged.

I don't believe either of you are happy in this relationship.

TempName01 · 30/05/2022 19:46

The thing is, if you do split you will struggle to get him to pay any support, so you are going to have to be really careful financially.

SproutsRUs · 30/05/2022 19:50

I'd need to know what it was tbh.

Bought himself a new PS5 on the business card whilst you're making cut backs? Not okay.

Bought himself a £10 hair cut and a pair of new shoes because his were falling apart? I don't see the issue.

Discovereads · 30/05/2022 20:18

Fast forward 4 years and he now has his own business. He promised he would be open about money and hasn't spent money on things we hadn't agreed on from his business account.

Its his business so I don’t understand why you think you have the right to financially control his business expenses? Really struggling to understand as you come across as financially controlling especially as you’re giving the impression he can’t spend a penny without your permission.

Han832 · 31/05/2022 12:40

Thanks for your replies. Something went wrong with my account (first time using mumsnet) and had to change my user name?

I see how it sounds that I am controlling-I think I didn't give enough information.

We have a joint account where a pre agreed sum goes into to pay for all our bills. We also have our own account for our own bills e.g phone and a preagreed amount of our own spending money. This is for whatever we want to spend it on separetly.i definitely don't tell him what he can or can't buy and he doesnt with me either.

My issue is that after all of this he is spending money from the business (which there isn't much and that we draw on every month for the joint account) for other non urgent things. He is right when he says that most of the things he has bought are for the family but my view is that if we can't afford it from the joint account then we shouldn't be buying it/need to agree but definitely shouldn't be taking additonal money from the business when we are already living month to month. It is like taking from a savings account without telling the other person.

ChompChamp · 31/05/2022 18:35

Honestly, if he’s spending occasional “unauthorized” amounts on family things, your reaction seems a bit strong.

Obviously you like to have strictly-controlled finances (or think it’s vital in your circumstances), and it sounds like he mostly follows that but is a little looser about it.

I feel like your reaction is very extreme and that, yes, you are being a bit controlling.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2022 18:39

You van split up for any reason you like and a lack of trust is a good one.

Are you working? How will you support two households between you when things are so tight?

Discovereads · 31/05/2022 20:40

I’m sorry but it’s his business not yours and as he is buying things for the family, I do think you are being unreasonably financially controlling. If he were off gambling or had a drugs addiction or gaming frivolous type purchases, I’d agree. But a little bit of spending on things the family needs (urgent or not), he should be able to buy without your permission.

tobedtoMN · 31/05/2022 20:51

I get you.
If his spending is uncontrolled my fear would be not having enough left in business account to pay (for example) his tax bill.
Whilst you remain married you are jointly liable for debts so I understand your anxiety.

tobedtoMN · 31/05/2022 20:52

Sorry, to clarify, I do know that you are not liable for his business debts. I meant private debts.

Discovereads · 31/05/2022 20:58

tobedtoMN · 31/05/2022 20:51

Do you know how infantilising that is? To think a adult person who has set up and made a success of a business idea would not know enough to control spending such that they’d end up not covering their taxes? OPs husband doesn’t need to be controlled like a child. And her fears are her issue, not his.

Flip

1 2