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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has done it again

34 replies

Han831 · 30/05/2022 17:45

I am really upset by my husband and have I am now at the point that I don't know what to do.

We have 2 young dc and a few years ago I found out my husband had been lying about money. Spending unnecessarily, credit card I didn't know about and being really unsupportive with our newborn baby. He moved out for a while but we moved past it.

I was upset that he lied, made excuses for not telling me things and it really shook my trust in him. Financial security is important to me as well as honesty and he knows that.

Fast forward 4 years and he now has his own business. He promised he would be open about money and hasn't spent money on things we hadn't agreed on from his business account. I've found out this isn't true. It isn't a lot of money but he doesn't seem to understand that it's the point. He said he wouldn't do it and he has.
He says it because he doesn't think, and it isn't intential but my argument is that he knows how important it is to me that when we have agreed on something he follows through.

I am at the point of leaving. What's the point of being with someone that doesn't do what they said they would and be financially trustworthy? If he 'forgets' about this stuff then what else can he forget to tell me?

I'm really scared as I think my marriage is over. I don't think I respect him anymore. I always feel like I am waiting to find out he has lied about something. He says these things wouldn't bother him if it were me but I have to point out that I haven't done anything to make him doubt me.

OP posts:
ClocksGoingBackwards · 31/05/2022 20:59

When you say you agreed a plan, are you sure he was fully on board with that?

It’s hard to know what to think without knowing what he bought and what sort of plan you’re expecting him to stick to.

tobedtoMN · 31/05/2022 21:01

@Discovereads
Fair point. Unfortunately a lot of trust seems to have already been lost.

WTF475878237NC · 31/05/2022 21:03

I'm not sure I fully understand the nuance here. Could you give an example of what he has bought?

Discovereads · 31/05/2022 21:09

tobedtoMN · 31/05/2022 21:01

@Discovereads
Fair point. Unfortunately a lot of trust seems to have already been lost.

Agree trust was lost along the way, but don’t know why? Credit card spending was mentioned but not that he’d racked up debts or frivolous spending. OP seems mostly concerned that she control every penny as she doesn’t even clarify that these are major purchases/high price items. It doesn’t seem to matter how much he spent or what on (as she is upset even at purchases for the family) if she didn’t agree to it in advance, then she believes he was wrong to buy it. That’s very controlling imho. And so it’s not a given that he is untrustworthy.

Merryoldgoat · 31/05/2022 21:11

What kind of spending? Are you involved in the business? Lots of emotion in the OP but not many facts…

ImAvingOops · 31/05/2022 21:13

There's not enough detail here to say for certain.
On the face of it though, the business card should be used for the business only, not to supplement personal spending. And if there has been out of control spending in the past and now the OP and her husband have agreed certain rules, if he breaks them, he is breaking that trust. It doesn't matter how little money was spent - it's about the lack of boundary between business and personal accounts (which indicates a sloppy attitude towards the business because it has to be fully accountable) but also the deliberate deception of hiding the spending from his wife by using the business account. It destroys trust.

I don't read this as the OP wanting to deny him any personal spending money, only that she wants financial transparency by him using their personal account.

I don't see a business as belonging to only one partner in the relationship, since it has implications for them both. It's a marital asset.

Discovereads · 31/05/2022 21:20

ImAvingOops · 31/05/2022 21:13

There's not enough detail here to say for certain.
On the face of it though, the business card should be used for the business only, not to supplement personal spending. And if there has been out of control spending in the past and now the OP and her husband have agreed certain rules, if he breaks them, he is breaking that trust. It doesn't matter how little money was spent - it's about the lack of boundary between business and personal accounts (which indicates a sloppy attitude towards the business because it has to be fully accountable) but also the deliberate deception of hiding the spending from his wife by using the business account. It destroys trust.

I don't read this as the OP wanting to deny him any personal spending money, only that she wants financial transparency by him using their personal account.

I don't see a business as belonging to only one partner in the relationship, since it has implications for them both. It's a marital asset.

The legality of business account spending on family/personal items (no business expenses) depends really on whether he is a Ltd company or a sole trader. If he’s a sole trader, then there is no issue. I have to admit, I assumed that’s the type of business he has tbh.

I don’t see the business as only belonging to the OPs DH either. I do see that as it is his business though that he is the de facto CFO of his business and should not have spending from his business accounts dictated to him by his wife. I see spending as his decision to make, not hers. Yes he should keep her informed but given the past of being kicked out and threatened with the relationship ending due to prior “unauthorised” spending, I can see a motivation for not being transparent with the OP.

Beancounter1 · 31/05/2022 21:40

It is really bad practice to spend on personal items from a business account. It created unnecessary complications and extra work when doing your book-keeping. The fact that he does this shows that he still has a careless and sloppy attitude to handling money.
He could have just used his debit card for the joint family account, but he was either to lazy to care, or worse he was deliberately trying to hide his spending. Or there wasn't enough in the joint account, so he shouldn't have been making these purchases at all if money is that tight.

When the trust is gone, the relationship is over.

Discovereads · 31/05/2022 21:55

Beancounter1 · 31/05/2022 21:40

It is really bad practice to spend on personal items from a business account. It created unnecessary complications and extra work when doing your book-keeping. The fact that he does this shows that he still has a careless and sloppy attitude to handling money.
He could have just used his debit card for the joint family account, but he was either to lazy to care, or worse he was deliberately trying to hide his spending. Or there wasn't enough in the joint account, so he shouldn't have been making these purchases at all if money is that tight.

When the trust is gone, the relationship is over.

Maybe. Depends on the business account. Many of them do automatic bookkeeping so every transaction is tagged and so having some personal and some business doesn’t complicate things at all. It doesn’t necessarily show a sloppy attitude towards handling money.

I agree he was hiding spending, but not (yet) convinced that that was wrong/bad as the OPs post lack critical details. If you’re in a financially controlling relationship and need permission to spend a penny, you’re going to try and assert some financial independence somehow and you can only do that in secret.

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