AIBU - caring for parents and fair split

[mustbuybiscuits]

I'm one of three adult children, both parents are likely to need quite a lot of care in the future. One sibling lives in NZ (not likely to ever come back to the UK) and one currently lives abroad but it likely to be back in the UK in the next few years.

The one moving back to the UK has a child, and I do not (not my choice, we're on the waiting list for IVF but I'm not getting any younger and I'm not optimistic). I recently said to my sibling that when they return to the UK we'd need to split caring responsibilities. I've done everything while both siblings have been out of the country, and would appreciate the chance to share the load.
I was told that I would need to be the default carer because I don't have children.

I have always very much wanted children, but if it's not going to happen then I don't see why I should have to further put my life on hold, just because my sibling

a) doesn't want to do any of the caring (neither do I - difficult relationship with both parents) and

b) has managed to have a child.

My sibling was very unhappy with this and said I was being completely unreasonable.

I really don't think I am, we should share the responsibility for my parents. But what's the mumsnet verdict?

what kind of care is involved? Can your parent afford /get access to support from agencies etc?

Yabu to assume the role. Don't be a martyr.

You don't need to do more than you're able to or want to.

Same as your sibling, really.

Oh, and I love my sister very much, but I am done with doing things on instruction from her. That sort of shit became inappropriate once we passed into our teens.

Don't get in the way of her naturally doing what she can do by making her feel like it was an allocated chore.

It's difficult to know exactly what sort of care they'll need. My mum has MS and my dad is just getting very slow and forgetful, is very breathless all the time and has had a recent suspected heart event (refused to go to A&E for assessment or treatment).

I am trying to convince them to go to a warden-assisted flat, but if they refuse they there's not much I can do.

Of course they should share care!

But... The issue is... If they don't do it /refuse... Or just do it really badly?

You're still stuck, sorting out their mistakes/lack of care.

If you think your sib MAY be persuaded I'd start compiling a list of ALL they need and the approx timings .. And say... What can you take on?

Then you really show HOW much you do... How much they're not doing... In my experience, non helpful sibs dismiss your work supporting your parent when it suits them

A pal did this and put it in a spreadsheet... So her sibs could see all the invisible tasks she did... And which ones they could help with.

For example :

Order shopping once a week - 20 mins
Food prep and cooking - 7 hours weekly.
Getting dad up and putting to bed daily... 14 hours a week

Cleaning the house - 3 hours a week

Sort out insurances yearly - 2 hours annually

And do this for ALL the tasks you have.

It’s been your choice to take on the role of carer, if they don’t feel they want to or don’t have the time or energy then that’s a completely valid choice, in which case you need to hire carers or consider residential care. Just because you’re happy to martyr yourself doesn’t mean she has to.

PS just seen your mum had Ms/and your dad is becoming confused ... So this could be a very complex care support they'll need in the future.

If you haven't - I'd get power of attorney for welfare /financial - this will give you a lot more power to act in their best interests in the future.

But is it a valid choice when it impacts me? It means I have to do all the stuff you've listed - hire the carers, sort everything out etc. No one else is going to. And I'm not happy to martyr myself - but short of leaving my parents to it and hoping they survive, do I have much of a choice?

Do you mean your sister not caring for them, or your parents refusing to go into assisted accommodation?

Because there's only one of those things that creates more of a care burden.

And you don't have to take on their care. No.

(my own parents are furiously against the idea of burdening us)

I think they might be prepared to go into a warden-assisted flat. In which case I would feel safer leaving them to it.

I guess perhaps I need to step back a bit and make it clear that they need to be responsible for themselves - I can't/won't look after them. And if they can't cope living in their house, they need to find a solution that doesn't involve assuming someone else will pick up the slack.

It's very hard to say without knowing exactly what you do, but if I were in your position- and being an only DC I expect I will be at some point- I'd choose whatever options are the least personal effort even if they are more costly.

I don't think Dsis should be expected to take on tasks unless they are absolutely necessary ones that can't be outsourced. If they are and she still refuses to help then you take a step back. She may choose not to do things or pay someone else to do them.

Sort cross post OP , yes it sounds like sheltered living for them would be the best idea.

you are both being unreasonable.

1. your sister is entitled to say no, she doesn’t want to do any care or even equal car for your parents. Yabu to expect anything from her.
2. your sister is being unreasonable to expect you, being childless, to undertake any or all of the caring.

do what care you a) want to give b) can do so safely for you and your parents. If you sister demands more, or you do it a certain way, but isn’t prepared to help, then tell her to butt out.

Of course you have a choice.

If your parents need to go into assisted care and refuse to, contact their GP and ask them to contact the relevant services.

Contact social services and give them a heads up.

You are not powerless in this.
You are choosing to be powerless.

Have they money?

If they do start telling them to start paying for services.

My friend had zero help from siblings so told her parents they had two choices before she went on holiday, do it themselves or she would arrange help.

She just booked loads of good help and has never reverted back to doing it.

They pay for home help for 4 hours a day and that covers cleaning, cooking and ordering food.

Gardener who does small jobs and is weekly.

It's costing them for sure, but it is much cheaper than going into a home for now.

She refused to allow their fine bank balance to remain untouched and her run raggedy.

Her parents are still going strong 5 years later and it has worked out for everyone.

Do not give up your dreams for them.

Two separate issues?

Your parents need to take some responsibility for their own lives, and care, rather than assume one or more of their children are going to do it. Your latest update is absolutely right, you need to strongly encourage them to find a solution which will work for them and doesn't necessarily involve you.

As for your sister, she is perfectly entitled to decide not to take on any of the care if she doesn't want to. But that does not mean it falls to you to do it, you can make the same decision she has. Who does and does not have children is totally irrelevant to the situation, no one is the 'default carer' and your sister doesn't get to criticise you for making the exact same decision as she has.

You might find your sister is happy to help organise the external help. That’s a very different ask to hands on care

Nobody should provide care if they don’t want to - it’s not fair on the person needing the care, nor the carer. You can’t force your siblings to do what you feel is right. ‘Care’ given reluctantly or begrudgingly can easily be damaging to vulnerable people.

If the care and support you’re giving now is too much for you, then it’s best you take a step back and advise social services that you have concerns about your parents, and be clear that you aren’t able to support them.

YABU you can't force someone to take on these responsibilities, you have chosen to take them on - if you can't / don't want to do them, then you need to be clear with your parents and tell them they need to sort it out themselves

Your parents are adults. If they choose not to get outside help then that's on them. You need to back away instead of picking up the slack. It's up to you if you choose not to do that, but it's unfair to expect your sibling to help out just because you choose to.

The question of who has kids or not is completely irrelevant.

Thanks again all. I hadn't really thought about it from the point of view that no one actually has to run around after them. If my sibling chooses not to do anything, that doesn't mean I have to. I'll think about what I'm prepared to do and then set some boundaries!

And yes, who has kids is irrelevant. I agree. But not because we should be splitting what ever needs to be done 50/50 - but because this way I can think about what I'm prepared to do, and if my parents need anything above and beyond that, either my sibling can do it, or my parents can find another way.

Where do they live now? Look around for assisted living places and get their names on a waiting list.

But if your parents didn't have any children then they would just have to manage by themselves. So nobody should feel obligated to provide care, unless they actually want to.

Yes - I agree. My mum has always said that it's sensible to have children so you have someone to care for you when you're old, but that doesn't actually mean I (or anyone else) have to do anything.