AIBU - caring for parents and fair split

[mustbuybiscuits]

I'm one of three adult children, both parents are likely to need quite a lot of care in the future. One sibling lives in NZ (not likely to ever come back to the UK) and one currently lives abroad but it likely to be back in the UK in the next few years.

The one moving back to the UK has a child, and I do not (not my choice, we're on the waiting list for IVF but I'm not getting any younger and I'm not optimistic). I recently said to my sibling that when they return to the UK we'd need to split caring responsibilities. I've done everything while both siblings have been out of the country, and would appreciate the chance to share the load.
I was told that I would need to be the default carer because I don't have children.

I have always very much wanted children, but if it's not going to happen then I don't see why I should have to further put my life on hold, just because my sibling

a) doesn't want to do any of the caring (neither do I - difficult relationship with both parents) and

b) has managed to have a child.

My sibling was very unhappy with this and said I was being completely unreasonable.

I really don't think I am, we should share the responsibility for my parents. But what's the mumsnet verdict?

Sorry, only just worked out I haven't actually been replying to messages until now... d'oh.

Anyway, I didn't realise there are waiting lists for warden-assisted places. I thought it was just usually a case of selling the house and buying someone in one of the local warden-assisted blocks - for some reason I assumed there would be spaces. I'll let them know that if they think this is likely to be an option, they should look around sooner rather than later in case there's a waiting list.

Neither of you is being U with regards to how much care you wish to provide, even if that is zero. It is however unreasonable and insensitive to equate that with the fact you do or don't have children.

OP I would concentrate on your own situation and leave your siblings to make their own decisions. Do what you can cheerfully do, and if that isn't enough, your parents will have to make other arrangements. No need for you to martyr yourself.

Op we had this for years our dad was very sick. Just do what you can. It may come to paid home help. Nobody can do all the hours. We def had fallouts over it. Then who was doing what. Sisters had school runs so think people need be realistic too what they can do. Feel for you

There are so many threads on here about daughters of elderly parents who are run ragged looking after them beacuse they don't want to go into a home. Often the advice is that they need to stop and tell SS that they aren't going to be there to pick up the pieces which will then inevitably fall. It would probably be kinder all round for everyone if you decide what are and aren't prepared to do before your parents are totally incapacitated and stick to it. There's actually nothing stopping your sibling in NZ from researching carers and sheltered accomodation/doing the weekly online shop order if they want to help. If they don't then that's also fine but decide whether or not you will do it if they cba.

If your parents complain then point out to them that they have to take responsibility for their own decisions - they won't try to make their own/your lives easier by moving into warden accomodation why would they expect you to be the one to pay the consequences of their actions rather than them.

You don't have to do any caring. Neither do your siblings? This is what we scrimp and save for all our lives isn't it? To buy in help and care as needed when older and let our busy adult DC live their own lives.
Surely your parents wouldn't have you running round after them anyway would they??!! They really let you do that?
Gardeners, cleaners, carers, pharmacy delivery, taxis, local handymen etc. Just as they'd have to do if they had no DC.

Waiting lists exist if it's council /Housing association !

There are ALWAYS private sales coming up-because of the fast turnover.

We've been exploring this recently for a family member...

We've found there is loads to consider, which you may already have thought about!

Flats do vary massively -not just in locale, but in terms of service charges for one, a monthly charge for mantenance /warden fee, also discover if there are unavoidable swingeing buying /selling fees...
Some years ago my GP lived in a Mccarthy & stone flat... My mum had to pay a percentage to Mccarthy & stone when she sold it!

Not all of these blocks have communal lounge areas - my grandad used his regularly after my nan died, although they enjoyed just using their flat (completely self contained one bedroom flat) when there was both of them.
Also the particular block my GP lived in, they insisted people left of they had dementia (this is a while ago now, I hope this wouldn't be the case if the person had theur own carers coming in).

I'm in a similar situation to you OP.
My older sister is utterly useless, self-centred and lives in Europe with her DH and son - probably never to return.
I'm in the UK, 3 hours from my mum, with no kids (through choice) and there have been many hints dropped by my mum over the course of the last 15 years about how I'm the one she's going to ask for help when she's older and how she might have to come and live with us. It's never said clearly enough that I can have a proper conversation with her about it. It's always just little hints and throw away comments.
Anyway, I flatly refuse - and I have VERY strong boundaries, so it's not something that I'm going to be pushed into.
Mum will have to go into a care home if she ever needs to and I will advocate for her and sort out the paper work, but I won't throw away my life and watch my sister get away scott free.

Don't take on the role of the martyr...

Your siblings have made it clear they can't/won't help. That does not mean you should take on all the responsibility yourself.

You need to have a conversation with your parents and make it clear now that you won't be able to provide them with constant care. The options will be hiring carers or residential care. Your parents should not be vetoing external support and expecting you to do it all. That is your main issue...

Your siblings live abroad anyway and this might carry on for the rest of their lives so you can' rely on their support or plan for the future expecting them to come back.

I know people will say you don't have to do the caring but I also get that you want someone to care for your parents so might feel that has to be you. Your sister is being unreasonable to say that as you don't have kids it's down to you. I completely get however that the kids are going to take up a lot of her time. Is she planning on moving back near to where your parents live?

My parents are both gone now but I did everything that they needed as they got older and frailer (despite what my brother who lives in Spain would tell you). My lovely dad was always adamant about paying his way in life and he paid for my petrol and gave me a bit extra every month to treat myself with.

Just take it a bit at a time. Maybe your parents won’t need much care?

Tbh this is something a lot of people don’t consider in advance though.

The reality is that your sibling in NZ will not be of any practical use other than sending money but they may be a big emotional support either to you or your parents (assuming the relationships are good)

My mother did the bulk of caring for my father then the bill of caring for herself with support from medical services and home help. We siblings took it in turn to visit.

I think you just need to all get on with your lives and do the best you can when the time comes. It’s life, unpredictable and messy.