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Original poster

Guilty about stbexh

31 replies

Jadetreesbringluck · 30/05/2022 11:47

Very long story short....I split from stbexdh almost 3 years ago. Living Seperately almost 2 years now. Reason I left him was he was a big manchild with very poor work ethic. Years of being in and out of work. Never his fault though...

He was working away earning great money but stopped going in last November taking sick days and said he was burnt out
depressed ,& even suicidal. He didn't tell me about this upfront, kept saying he was going to work which was lies. I get it wasn't well but I have compassion fatigue because its always something....bad mental health, bad back, upset stomach, sore arm etc etc etc

Anyway he got a job closer to home but much less money. There 4 months and had about 7 sick days/days off. Decided he couldn't live on the money so got another v well paid job again, started last week. However his car died (again....always buys really shit cars - constant car trouble over the whole of relationship) and he wanted to borrow mine.

I said no because I'm fed up enabling him. He had my dad's van for 1 month. Im away on holidays so my car is parked up at my parents house as they are only 10 mins from airport & gave me & kids a lift. So my car was available I suppose but I'm so sick of having to help him out.

He had my car before & didn't pay toll fees so I got a solicitor letter with 150£ owed that he still has not paid (initial fine was 6£ but he ignored it). This has happened before some years ago to the tune of nearly 700£ that I had to pay over over many months.

He owes me about 3k in child maintenance. While he was working near home on small money I said he didn't have to give me Any maintenance as long as he had the children more. He had them 2 nights a week most weeks.

He said he needed my car as public transport had him getting in 5-8mins late. He told his boss he would be late for a few weeks and boss told him that he was taken on trial basis and it has not worked out...so he has no job now.

This will be my fault now because I didn't lend him my car.

I feel terrible, I'm anxious and upset. I feel like I did the wrong thing.....but where will it end if I keep helping him?

That was long!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jadetreesbringluck · 30/05/2022 12:06

Reposted! I actually put my full bloody name on my other post so have reported it!!

OP posts:
newbiename · 30/05/2022 12:10

Not your fault at all. Like you say he's a man child. If he's capable of getting a job he should be capable of keeping a car.
So frustrating for you.

TragicMuse · 30/05/2022 12:17

Why is his inability to manage his life your fault? Does he show guilt for being so bad at everything? I'll take a gamble and say he doesn't.

You aren't together, he doesn't even do the minimum for you and his child and yet he expects you to pick up all the slack.

You aren't his mother, or his carer or his responsible adult. It's not your job to dig him out of shit of his own making. Not ever and not now.

I get that he's your child's father but nothing you do is ever going to make him the man he needs to be. Only he can do that. You filling in the gaps won't ever make him see what he needs to do or who he needs to be.

You don't have to lend him your car, and 'I don't want to' is a good enough reason.

He's a grown man, and you are allowed to stop enabling him.

Original poster
Jadetreesbringluck · 30/05/2022 12:18

Thank you. I don't know why I needed to post I would tell anyone in this situation it was the right thing...but I still feel incredibly guilty.

I'm angry now too that I have him and his problems on my mind while I am on a much needed holiday!

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 30/05/2022 12:20

You owe him nothing. He needs to sort himself out.

Newestname002 · 30/05/2022 12:20

@Jadetreesbringluck

This current situation is all down to him. He is supposed to be an adult so he'll just have to take personal responsibility or he suffers the consequences. Do make sure that YOU aren't adversely affected by his actions - eg never lend or trust him with anything where the loss or damage could adversely affect you. Do not feel guilty about not lending him your car - a valuable item the damage or loss of which could affect you. Don't feel guilty about it - this is his problem - not yours! Especially as he still owes you over £3,000 in child maintenance and other costs.

Do not make any more concessions to him - you've done that enough and it is not appreciated by him. He will just continue to see you as someone he can continue to manipulate.

I'd recommend being unavailable to him for anything which does not immediately affect contact with his children and don't great involved with him one iota outside of that. Keep it civil, short and sweet. No need to allow him to tell you the minutiae of his inadequate life.

Time to live your own life, OP, without him being continuously in your head. 🌹

myuterusistryingtokillme · 30/05/2022 12:21

It's not your fault that your stbexh is a flaky man child that can't manage his own life, stop stressing he would probably have given the job up in a couple of weeks anyway

GreatCuppa · 30/05/2022 12:23

You are not responsible for him!

Original poster
Jadetreesbringluck · 30/05/2022 12:25

In fact we have 2 (fantastic!) Children. Iv bent over backwards to keep him involved in thier lives. I even let him stay over at Xmas!! Paid for everything myself!! I actually have savings for the first time in a long time, I'm much happier ☺ except I feel il never be free of him!

He does actually feel guilty....he talks a good talk, apologising over & over but never fully takes responsibility.

He's also loosing his apartment now (big rent increase) and has nowhere to go and no money got deposit. He had a house provided with the job so that's gone now too!!

I did tell him to get a taxi each morning until he gets new car.....he said it was too expensive. It is...about 35£ but he would be taking home over 1k per week.

Thing is.....when he got the new job he left the old one...didn't finish the week!!! So thats why he has no money now!

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 30/05/2022 12:26

You’re giving him the opportunity to become a fully functioning adult by refusing to enable him. And setting a great example to your DC by refusing to be in a co- dependent relationship or by pandering to someone who treats them dreadfully.

Do not get involved. His mess to sort out

MrsGluck · 30/05/2022 12:38

He is your ex, therefore not your problem. Don't lend him your car, don't give him advice, how he gets to work is nothing to do with you. It's not your fault if he is too irresponsible to get himself to work.

As pp have said, you only need to communicate with him about contact with the children. That's it. Keep it civil, short and sweet.

gamerchick · 30/05/2022 12:46

If you're not careful you're going to end up with a house full of belongings and an ex on your settee. Tell him to go and sort himself out and get back in touch when he has.

Newestname002 · 30/05/2022 14:49

@Jadetreesbringluck

He's also loosing his apartment now (big rent increase) and has nowhere to go and no money got deposit. He had a house provided with the job so that's gone now too!!

Be careful you don't subtly get sucked into providing accommodation for him, even temporarily. Think a couple of steps ahead - even if he says "it'll just be for one night". Once he gets his feet under your table and manipulating the children it'll just be so hard to get him out again. Let him stay with a mate, family member, AirBnB or in his car - it's up to him. Be wary and protect yourself. 🌹

IrisVersicolor · 30/05/2022 14:56

He said he needed my car as public transport had him getting in 5-8mins late

This is not a thing as you well know OP. He was failing to get himself to work on time as he cba to leave early enough. His boss saw his mettle and let him go.

Not one iota of this is your fault, he just needs to learn to adult.

Isaidnoalready · 30/05/2022 14:56

The more people say no to him the more he will need to rely on himself

Don't feel guilty he abuses your trust constantly! Not paying bills he racked up on your car? Why on earth would you even consider lending it to him ever again?

Maytodecember · 30/05/2022 15:04

He cannot manage his life.
why should he bother trying if he can rely on you to do it for him?
While you bother he will take, take and take from you. Been there, done that, had the t shirt.
Stop enabling him to be an idiot.
Get a proper court enforced child payment plan in place and contact him only when it’s essential to about the children.
It’s rip the plaster off time —- momentarily painful but for the best. Cut off the enabling.

iRun2eatCake · 30/05/2022 15:24

You are separated for a very good reason.... time to push forward with the divorce.

Make sure you get a Financial Consent Order otherwise he can still cost you money after the divorce.

You need to get some boundaries in place otherwise there was no point separating if you're still doing "wife work" and bailing him out

dotdotdotdash · 30/05/2022 15:39

Well done on getting yourself sorted - you should be proud of yourself. You are still in 'rescuing' mode though, which is a feature of codependent relationships. If you like reading, this is a good book that may help you understand the relationship dynamics - Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie.

Original poster
Jadetreesbringluck · 30/05/2022 16:02

Thank you all
I will read that book. I definitely needed to hear these comments & I feel a bit better now...I can't change him he has to do it himself (doubtful!)

OP posts:
Useranon1 · 30/05/2022 16:48

I wouldn't believe his story OP. I can't imagine many high paying jobs that don't allow you to be 5-8mins late with notice.

Not to mention the existence of taxis...

WishILivedInThrushGreen · 30/05/2022 17:30

Be careful that he doesn't start to use your children as an excuse to get you to 'help' him.

Eg, I can't see the children as I don't have transport.

I'll have to stay at your's to see the children as I've got nowhere to live.

He will likely play the big victim with you.

GinIronic · 30/05/2022 17:47

Stop helping and enabling the man child. Do not help him in any way. He will use your children as an excuse for everything and you need to be strong enough to ignore him and his pathetic moaning.

IncompleteSenten · 30/05/2022 17:51

You need to tell him he is a total piss taker.

You owe me £3000 in child support, you owe me £X in fines from the last time I helped you out and you think I should lend you my car?

Original poster
Jadetreesbringluck · 30/05/2022 17:57

Yip taxis ......couldn't afford them!

He has no family & no money for Airbnb and soon nowhere to live.

VERY glad to be on holidays with the children...I need this break! I'm trying to put him out of my head and enjoy myself. Going to read up on grey Rock & order that book about codependacy..

OP posts:
isthenewsuff · 30/05/2022 17:58

Thank fuck you're separated!

Why on earth does he think you're still responsible for rescuing him?

Get that divorce going now.

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