Guilty about stbexh

[Jadetreesbringluck]

Very long story short....I split from stbexdh almost 3 years ago. Living Seperately almost 2 years now. Reason I left him was he was a big manchild with very poor work ethic. Years of being in and out of work. Never his fault though...

He was working away earning great money but stopped going in last November taking sick days and said he was burnt out
depressed ,& even suicidal. He didn't tell me about this upfront, kept saying he was going to work which was lies. I get it wasn't well but I have compassion fatigue because its always something....bad mental health, bad back, upset stomach, sore arm etc etc etc

Anyway he got a job closer to home but much less money. There 4 months and had about 7 sick days/days off. Decided he couldn't live on the money so got another v well paid job again, started last week. However his car died (again....always buys really shit cars - constant car trouble over the whole of relationship) and he wanted to borrow mine.

I said no because I'm fed up enabling him. He had my dad's van for 1 month. Im away on holidays so my car is parked up at my parents house as they are only 10 mins from airport & gave me & kids a lift. So my car was available I suppose but I'm so sick of having to help him out.

He had my car before & didn't pay toll fees so I got a solicitor letter with 150£ owed that he still has not paid (initial fine was 6£ but he ignored it). This has happened before some years ago to the tune of nearly 700£ that I had to pay over over many months.

He owes me about 3k in child maintenance. While he was working near home on small money I said he didn't have to give me Any maintenance as long as he had the children more. He had them 2 nights a week most weeks.

He said he needed my car as public transport had him getting in 5-8mins late. He told his boss he would be late for a few weeks and boss told him that he was taken on trial basis and it has not worked out...so he has no job now.

This will be my fault now because I didn't lend him my car.

I feel terrible, I'm anxious and upset. I feel like I did the wrong thing.....but where will it end if I keep helping him?

That was long!

Should I email him....? Put it in black & white? While also warning him not to ask for money & in no circumstances am I taking his stuff or him to my home.... pre empt it?

I wouldn't email him, it just gives an opening to argue with you.

The only thing you need to email him about is his contact with the children.

Don't email him. Enjoy your holiday.

He is an ex, and an adult. You owe him nothing. If he can't manage the basics in life - like holding down a fucking job without having to work round childcare - then that's his look out. He sounds like a shit role model for your children. You just need to model Not being a doormat who lets people take the piss to them.

Don't email him - it gives him an opportunity to engage with you. Grey rock.

Hi. I've read your post with interest because I'm struggling with similar feelings about my ex. I left mine two years ago after a three year split. I'm having counselling to try and unravel this and it has helped. I think it's because the hope of change makes you feel like you haven't wasted years on someone. But they don't. It's a work in progress. I feel for you and wish you all the best. It's been helpful to know I'm not alone with these feelings. Propranolol has helped with the anxiety in particular when he I found out he owed thousands in tax. . Of course I used to do his books. So I tortured myself about something that wasn't my fault. He really is a man child 🙄

@Jadetreesbringluck

He has no family & no money for Airbnb and soon nowhere to live.

None of which is your problem to solve. Back away OP - firm up your boundaries against him for the benefit of yourself and your children. 🌹