To still sleep with the light on

[Nodark]

I have a really deep-rooted fear of the dark after being locked in a cavity beneath my parents' house as a punishment a number of times as a child (not a punishment given to me by my parents but by someone else who would often look after us).

I'm now 35 and I still struggle to sleep with the light off. I can sometimes sleep with a nightlight on if it's bright enough. This has been an issue for many of my partners over the years and I have had arguments with exes about it.
I now have a baby and my DP is worried about not sleeping with her in darkness as he thinks it isn't good for her. I co-sleep with her and have tried but i always end up switching the light back on (or at least putting on the night light). Am I causing her damage by not sleeping in total darkness with her?

I think its much worse to raise a child who will only sleep in pitch black.

im sorry you had such an awful unthinkable experience. Sleep how you like.

No, you're not. I've never left ds in a deliberately blacked out room at sleep times, and he can sleep in any light now, dark or not 🤷‍♀️.

Exactly. My sil did the whole blacked out room from the minute she had the baby home from hospital, then barely left the house for a few years as she couldn't ensure that anywhere else had the same edge to edge blackout blinds - she even used to roll up a towel and put it at the bottom of the door to stop any light infiltrating 🤨

When I co-slept with my newborns I always had a nightlight on. It meant that if I had to change a poopy nappy during the night, I didn’t have to turn a light on and really get them awake and unsettled. It meant I could also see exactly where they were in the bed, which seemed safer to me. It would never occur to me to think of a night light as a bad thing!

Even if there were minor drawbacks to a baby from low levels of light throughout the night, I’d say that your justifiable feelings of trauma significantly outweigh whatever those could be. Being a new parent is hard enough, without lying awake in the dark, reflecting on horrible childhood experiences. Keep your night light on.

I also have a fear of the dark. I just can't sleep/be in rooms that are pitch black, I panic instantly. As I write this I have my 6 month old and 4 year old dd in room with me (visiting family) and a lamp on! My dd can sleep in any room brightmess/darkness so hasn't affected her
I'm sorry you had those awful experiences as a child. Don't give it another thought - as parents it is important that we look after ourselves too

My fear of the dark disappeared not long after I had my first baby. I think it's because I was responsible for another life so my own fears seemed to just fade away

I was your age OP.

That said. There's nothing wrong with leaving the light on and it won't affect your DC

If you can manage with a night light ok, but if not use a bed side light. It's awful being frightened of the dark. I have a friend who just doesn't understand,and says inane thing like " dark's just dark, there's no problem"

Agreed. Sorry for your experience

I was terrified of the dark as a child. Both of my children are, too, although I have never mentioned my fear to them and have tried to help them get past their fear.

I am so sorry for what happened to you. Are you having any support or therapy? It sounds like you need trauma therapy, can you speak to your GP?

But no it will not mess up your child sleeping with a night light on. Most kids hate the dark. Sleeping in a pitch black room makes it much harder later to take them away anywhere.

I am amazed if your DH knows about this trauma that you went through, that he is saying these things to you. That is awful. You have clearly been through horrific things and he should be supporting you.

I’m sorry for your experience. Sleep however makes you comfortable. If you’re comfortable baby is more likely to be too. And some light will help with feeding etc anyway.

I came on the thread to say you were being unreasonable, but obviously with your history, you’re not.

However, there is some research which suggests that sleeping with a light on all the time disrupts melatonin levels and can affect sleep patterns long term for both children and adults, and clearly your partners have had problems with this in the past.

Have you tried therapy, particularly CBT?

OP has been through trauma. CBT is usually inappropriate and unhelpful in such cases.

I hate pitch black too. Always sleep with a nightlight on in the hallway and door cracked open

Red light is good, if you must have a light on. The Lumi nightlight is good for this.

www.lumie.com/products/bedbug

I'm not scared of dark but baby in my room always had a light on to see them, even know I always prefer to on or side light, or something, not because I'm scared it's just something I prefer. I walked down a back road a few years ago and realised how actually awful proper pitch black was. It was horrible even adults need a bit of light for security.

Well, it is what is given for trauma, PTSD, phobias, etc.

Depends on the baby.

I didn't have curtains because my mother wouldn't have rooms in darkness. I never slept much, apparently, which continued as an adult. I could be shattered, but the moment there was a light, I'd ping awake for at least another four hours until finally sleeping the sleep of the dead through all alarms, roofs blowing off, trees falling, car alarms and full on fights outside.

I bought long blackout curtains recently for the first time - and I have never slept so well.

OP has been through trauma. CBT is usually inappropriate and unhelpful in such cases

My understanding is that CBT has been proven to be one of the most effective treatments for PTSD.

Unfortunately not the case for many people. Trauma requires dealing with the underlying trauma. CBT might bring temporary benefits but will not be sufficient or appropriate for most cases of trauma.

I feel so sad that mental health care in the UK mainly consists of recommending a short course of CBT to people because it's cheap. That is nowhere near enough to help people who are very traumatised and actually doesn't help them much, because they need to process what happened to th with proper support, not "reframe" it.

I use the tommee Tippee dreamaker which has a red light. It's ok all night. Maybe switch to red light.newborns like it

I'm sorry for how you were treated as a child. I agree with other posters. Better to get used to sleeping with some light as a child anyway. We have blackout blinds in my sons room but it still looks like daylight when he goes fo bed some evenings. Thank goodness he doesn't expect blackness. I still have a fear of the dark at 37 and will sleep with the tv or lamp on if my husband isn't next to me. I've managed to ditch the nightlight gradually. Not sure where my fear stems from though.

Some posts re CBT. I've had it for various issues but haven't found it helpful. It's just essentially saying to change how you think and feel about something? Almost like, oh you're scared of the dark, just don't be! I've always found it better to accept that you feel a certain way rather than force a different way of thinking. I think taking therapy would be a nether idea personally.

Talking therapy*