To still sleep with the light on

[Nodark]

I have a really deep-rooted fear of the dark after being locked in a cavity beneath my parents' house as a punishment a number of times as a child (not a punishment given to me by my parents but by someone else who would often look after us).

I'm now 35 and I still struggle to sleep with the light off. I can sometimes sleep with a nightlight on if it's bright enough. This has been an issue for many of my partners over the years and I have had arguments with exes about it.
I now have a baby and my DP is worried about not sleeping with her in darkness as he thinks it isn't good for her. I co-sleep with her and have tried but i always end up switching the light back on (or at least putting on the night light). Am I causing her damage by not sleeping in total darkness with her?

I'm not an expert but I don't think so. With both dd and ds I've slept with the bedroom light off but the en suite light on and door wide open. It means when they woke in the night I could see what I was doing without having to turn a light half blind us both! Dd is now 4.5 and it doesn't seem to have affected her at all, she's always been a good sleeper. Ds is a fussier sleeper but light on or off hasn't seemed to make a huge difference.

It's just essentially saying to change how you think and feel about something? Almost like, oh you're scared of the dark, just don't be!

CBT is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. So it involves changing behaviours, as well as challenging thoughts, and so on. Some sort of graded exposure ladder would be established to deal with the fear of the dark, if the OP was seen by a competent CBT therapist. A lot of counsellors and whatnot say they do CBT. (By the way, I am not a mad fan of it, but it is the way phobias, PTSD, etc, are primarily treated.)

Unfortunately not the case for many people. Trauma requires dealing with the underlying trauma. CBT might bring temporary benefits but will not be sufficient or appropriate for most cases of trauma.

These days trauma-informed therapists etc will also utilise Somatic Experiencing techniques, and various other modalities. But the basics of CBT are used for treating phobias, whether or not they are trauma-related or induced.

@youngwildandni I like that my son isn't in the dark and just snuggles in my bed in the bed, think I'm super soft but I love it 😐

Your trauma response is completely understandable, OP.

But I think it is a bit sad you are effectively training your baby to experience your difficulty in sleeping without a light on, albeit for different reasons to you.

I also think your partner's concerns are valid. The baby will not be producing the level of hormones normally associated with good sleep patterns, and that are related to light and dark cycles...

It can be hard to access suitable help, but well worth it if you can find it.

@Nodark what's the minimum amount of light you can cope with? Does it have to be full on lights on or can it be a night light? Sorry if you've answered this already!

It's weird because it changes. I used to not even be able to cope with a night light but in the last few years a nightlight has been okay most of the time. Every now and again something will trigger me and I'll need a bedside light on. There's times when I'm on my own and something triggers me that I need to let the big light on and sometimes even every light in the house because I'm so scared of there being any darkness, that's rare though and I can go a long time without it happening.

I think it's hard for my partner to understand as i did go through a phase with him before the baby was born when i was able to sleep with it off if the curtains were open and the light from the moon or streetlamps was coming in. Since she was born though I struggle with that.
He says the same thing as some posters about how having light can affect the quality of sleep over time. Overall he's pretty supportive though and doesn't have an issue with the light being on if I need it, he's just trying to encourage me to go without it.

For those asking about therapy, I did go to therapy for a long time about other issues related to what happened (it massively affected me in my teens and really damaged my trust in people and relationships, particularly with my mum as I had told her other things that were happening in the run up to this and she didn't believe me but then it kept escalating and got worse). It was talking therapy though, not CBT, and we didn't ever really get onto my fear of the dark as that didn't seem as important or big an issue as some of the other things that happened as a result of that period of my life.

What a shit experience you had OP, and not unreasonable at all to want whatever helps you sleep. Can understand, though, that wanting a light on might be difficult for someone else in the room.
I’m scared of the dark too, but only pitch dark, so a chink of light through the curtains will be ok for me. I’ve had people not even understand that though.