To think that children should always get their mother's last name?

[CaptSkippy]

Here me out.

99% of the burden of reproduction is on women. All the pain and discomfort that come with pregnancy and childbirth are for the woman alone. No man has to suffer physically in any way for a child to be born.

All he has to do is have an orgasm.

Therefore I think that the honor of passing on a family name should belong to women alone.

What do you think?

Yes that should be the norm.

Yes but you're not are you? You're doing what the man wants 🤷🏼‍♀️ I mean you say you want it but you only want it if they want it..

No, I'm doing it because we BOTH wanted it.
I appreciate I'm probably in a minority with my views now but I believe in us both getting married, then having children, and then both sharing the same name.
His name.
If I didn't want to have done, I wouldn't.

I don't think one has anything to do with the other. My first surname name was my fathers. I changed my name when I got married. My childrens' is their fathers. Who experienced more pain seems a silly way to decide on a name.

I mean bit silly because anyone can take the woman’s surname it’s not illegal. So people are clearly choosing not too

Who experienced more pain seems a silly way to decide on a name
Yes, that's what I thought too

I would be onboard if we all get to choose a new name and start again, passing it down matrilinealy. Otherwise I am just passing down a name that is not “mine” anyway, whether it is my husband’s or father’s.

Although, I only have sons, so my name would die out in one generation that way 😜

Agree totally. Children ALWAYS stay with their mother - 99% of the time anyway. Yet the mother almost ALWAYS gives the child the father's surname. I secretly suspect it's coz they secretly hope the father will marry them one day.

What other reason could there possibly be for giving a child the father surname?

Many women will deny this, but from all the women I have ever known, most women really genuinely hope and wish deep down the father of their child (children) will marry them eventually.

I'm quite a fan of this idea also 😂 my partner and I have a running joke that our family "tribe" name is a name that's actually a mashup of mine and his together & actually sounds way better than either of ours separately 😁

Agree. Mum endures pregnancy, labour, often breastfeeding and - let’s face it - often the majority of the childcare and mental load for 18+ years - and then our societal convention is that she doesn’t even get to give the child her own name? Screw that.

I told DH that DC could have both our surnames, or just mine, but that I wasn’t letting my name be left out. DH happily agreed- DS has my surname hyphenated with DH’s. Easy.

Yet the mother almost ALWAYS gives the child the father's surname. I secretly suspect it's coz they secretly hope the father will marry them one day.

Oh, see this is completely not where I'm coming from in my posts lol
I'm you get married and THEN you have the kids.
Not have a baby and then think about marriage?
That's back to front for me.
I appreciate it's not always the case for some though, arsehole Dads running off after marriage and children, accidents for example.
Just saying sometimes it's men and women equally wanting a traditional family set up and that's what they do.

What if you don't like your own surname? I hate mine because I was picked on for it when I was younger but I do prefer my partners surname and that's what our child will have.

What if you don't like your own surname? I hate mine because I was picked on for it when I was younger but I do prefer my partners surname and that's what our child will have.

Outside of MN, everyone I know gave their DC their dad's surname if they aren't married. No exceptions.

All the arguments on MN do make sense but I refuse to believe that everybody who doesn't give their Dc their mothers surname while not married is an utter moron, which is what MN seems to suggest.

Make up your own surname!

My DB’s partner was happy for their child to have DB’s surname for the sake of carrying on the surname. She has brothers to carry on hers.

Exactly this.

I changed my surname when we married (because I fancied a new name, not because my husband wanted me to), and we all have the same names.

If we weren't married when we had them, our kids would have my name.

The amount of women who bestow the honor of a feckless man's surname on their children is astonishing.

I’ve got my mum’s second name. It’s not awful but I’ve never liked it and knew from a young age I wouldn’t be passing it on.

@youdroppedthis

You're not getting it.

Men do not own names. A name belongs to a woman as much as it ever did her father. So if a child takes its mother's name it's not a name from her father it's simply her name.

Yes it should be default. 90% of single parents are woman. Even only for practicalities it's common sense to keep mums name and not dads.

I think people ought to be free to do what they want. But they should also ask themselves why they want their child to have the father's surname, and why the man doesn't take the woman's last name upon marriage.

I was always clear that my kids would have my name, and they do. It's my name just as much as it's my brother's name. It's the one I've had since birth. It's not about the name coming from my father or mother, it could be a totally made up name, doesn't matter - what matters is that this is the name I've identified with my whole life and I'd find changing it awkward and pointless. And I want my kids to have my names, because why shouldn't they ?

That said my SIL has given her kids my brother's last name, and his middle name as their middle names too. That's not the choice I would have made but I respect her right to decide for herself.

Aside from the fact it's been (averaged out) just as many women's as men's, and that it doesn't really matter because the name you have grown up with is your name regardless of whether it was a matronymic or patronymic, there are matronymics such as Emmett and Merrill, that still survive as surnames today, and plenty we don't know for sure about.

100% DISAGREE!!!!

I agree with you OP.
I do the absolute majority when bringing my children up. Ex does the bare minimum and has no ambition for the kids, and yet they have his surname. He’s loves them having his name, but doesn’t want to do half of the work I do. It’s really unfair.
They will always have a connection to my ex through his name whereas as with me - nothing. If he was a great dad and fully involved with them I would at least have that as comfort.

I’ve asked him in the past if he would double barrel which I would settle for. I said it’s fair to have both parents’ surnames. But he won’t have any of it. If I went to court to get them double barrelled on the basis that they should have that connection to me seeing as I do most of the child rearing, I would be shunned out of court. I wouldn’t get anywhere with it.

If I had my time again I would keep their surname as mine, or double barrel it. But I would never give them their father’s surname. I always just naively thought it was the “done thing.”

This will fuck up future generations trying to trace their ancestors

There's one element that hasn't been considered here: the avoidance of incest.
For example, if mother's name taken as the norm, two half - siblings could meet (same father, different mother) and gave no idea they're related.
If father name used, its more likely they'd realise 'or your surname is Bloggs, too'.
In these days of fractured families (no moral judgement here) that's not too far-fetched.
Too say it's purely about patriarchy is incorrect.

How so?