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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner going on holiday alone

35 replies

Coffeeschmoffe · 29/05/2022 15:38

We were due to go away on holiday over the bank holiday weekend. I have fallen ill (won’t delve into details, but it’s not covid and not something contagious) and it means I likely won’t be able to travel - I am getting better, but don’t want to be away abroad in case the condition flares up.

My partner has said he will book a holiday just for himself to go away if I’m too ill for us to go away together. This upset me, and he responded by telling me I was very selfish because I was making him stay in England for the Jubilee. To clarify, I am not stopping him or telling him he can’t go, but I did express my hurt/dissatisfaction when he suggested this, and I assume he sees it as me trying to guilt-trip him into staying in the UK. He says he doesn’t want to be here for 5 days just “sitting on his arse watching Netflix” and that he’d be “bored out of his mind”. I suggested some alternatives, such as doing some activities together (e.g. a museum) or taking a short city break somewhere in England, but he wasn’t interested - he wants to go abroad.

AIBU to feel put out/hurt by this, or am I indeed being selfish to feel upset that he is going abroad alone on what was meant to be a joint holiday for both of us?

OP posts:
Fupoffyagrasshole · 29/05/2022 15:42

Hmmm id probably go too tbh! sorry

coffeecupsandfairylights · 29/05/2022 15:44

YANBU - I think it's pretty crap of him to go off on holiday when you're not very well, to be honest.

It's not like the options for him are "abroad" or "sit on your arse" - you've offered a decent alternative IMO.

rookiemere · 29/05/2022 15:45

It depends what he is like normally.
I totally get the urge to go abroad as we've had that taken away from us for the last couple of years.
I threatened to go abroad solo later this year as I have annual leave I have to use up. Thankfully DH now coming too.

Badgirlriri · 29/05/2022 15:47

Sorry but YABU. I’m considering going abroad too and leaving my partner behind because I am desperate for warmth and new scenery.

JacquelineCarlyle · 29/05/2022 15:48

It sounds a bit mean of him although I do see where he's coming from. Unfortunately if I were in your shoes, I think it's evidence that he's not a keeper as if I truly loved someone, then id stay home with them in the circumstances you describe.

Original poster
Coffeeschmoffe · 29/05/2022 15:50

To answer @rookiemere , he went abroad three times last year (he went away the moment restrictions were lifted in the UK). He has been abroad twice already this year (once without me and once with me) and has a two week holiday to travel around Europe and visit his friends (also without me) booked next month.

I’ve never met anybody who is so obsessive about holidays and travelling abroad.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 29/05/2022 15:51

Assuming you don't actually need care I think in his position I'd want to get away too. After all, you're well enough for activities but you've chosen not to leave the country.

Afterfire · 29/05/2022 15:53

I think he’s being a bit selfish really. I’d be hurt too. If you’re not well surely he could stay home and do things with you that you could do?!

Judging by the awful delays and cancellations at the airports at the moment the selfish arse will probably get stuck there and have to come home again anyway. 😆🙈

bellac11 · 29/05/2022 15:54

Yes you are unreasonable. Im injured at the moment which means that the trip we are going on, wont be as we planned, I cant do the activity we wanted. I feel terrible about it, but I wouldnt have minded if he went off and did something and I was going to stay at home as i wasnt sure I could be mobile but how boring would that be, plus I want to get away from the jubilee nonsense

so you are being unreasonble and by 'getting upset' you were doing what a lot of men are accused of on here which is manipulating and being selfish.

orwellwasright · 29/05/2022 15:55

I wouldn't do this because I actually quite like my partner.

yesthatisdrizzle · 29/05/2022 15:57

You are not being selfish, you are ill.

He's the selfish one I reckon, because he wants to bugger off on holiday and leave you on your own when you aren't well.

Sunnytwobridges · 29/05/2022 15:58

I would be hurt too, mainly by his “sitting on his arse” response which was not really needed.

starlingdarling · 29/05/2022 15:59

I like my husband too but if he was staying home instead of going on our planned holiday "just in case" then I'd go somewhere myself.

Original poster
Coffeeschmoffe · 29/05/2022 16:00

Hi @ilovesooty - I am currently well enough for slow/gentle activities for a few hours (eg galleries, museums, walls in the park - something that takes up an afternoon), but am not quite back to normal energy levels where I could be out and about hitting the streets of a brand new city every day, sightseeing from morning to evening, followed by evenings out for a few days in a row. That’s why I’d suggested alternative activities where we could still do something and still spend time together, albeit in the UK.

As I said in my original post, I also didn’t want to leave the country as I wanted to be near home and my doctor if things flare up again and get worse.

OP posts:
dizzydizzydizzy · 29/05/2022 16:00

YANBU. While I can understand he prefers to go abroad, (I do too), I think the alternative you have suggested is a fine compromise. In his shoes, I would go with that idea and look forward to exploring a part of England I haven't yet seen.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/05/2022 16:04

Assuming you don't need care, he isn't leaving you with childcare and you have the money and annual leave to go later in the year I would be doing the holiday that I wanted as well.

balalake · 29/05/2022 16:04

Has your DP not read anything about airport mismanagement, airlines cancelling, and all the delays? Even if you were both going, I'd think you were doing the wrong thing to book last minute to go abroad for this coming weekend.

ilovesooty · 29/05/2022 16:05

Coffeeschmoffe · 29/05/2022 16:00

Hi @ilovesooty - I am currently well enough for slow/gentle activities for a few hours (eg galleries, museums, walls in the park - something that takes up an afternoon), but am not quite back to normal energy levels where I could be out and about hitting the streets of a brand new city every day, sightseeing from morning to evening, followed by evenings out for a few days in a row. That’s why I’d suggested alternative activities where we could still do something and still spend time together, albeit in the UK.

As I said in my original post, I also didn’t want to leave the country as I wanted to be near home and my doctor if things flare up again and get worse.

Yes I can see that, but going abroad is very important to me too so I'm just saying how I'd feel in his position. I wouldn't be interested in an alternative holiday in the UK.

Norgie · 29/05/2022 16:05

I would go away too, especially if you mentioned museums.
I don't blame your partner for wanting to go away rather than sitting on his arse watching Netflix.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 29/05/2022 16:11

If it was me, I would want my partner to go and have a good time.

The offer of a museum and walls in a park, don't really cut the mustard compared to sun, sea and sangria 🍹

Matchingcollarandcuffs · 29/05/2022 16:12

I wouldn’t expect DP to stay with me in your shoes and would be gutted if he did rather than go on holiday. Can’t you just plan a more gentle abroad holiday and all your Dr for emergency meds in case things flare up again?

C152 · 29/05/2022 16:15

I get why you're disappointed, OP, but I do think YABU. If he likes to travel, then I can see why he wouldn't want to be stuck here, when he could be enjoying himself on holiday. I don't say this to be mean, but you may feel it's enough to do a 'gentle' couple of hours out (and that is absolutely fine, particularly as you are unwell), but that in no way compares to the fun of being totally away overseas. It's something you do on a Saturday morning before brunch; it's not an adequate replacement for a holiday. If you are sick and need looking after, or may need help if your condition flares up, then that is another matter and I would think he should stay, because that's what you do for the person you love. But if you're ok on your own, I wouldn't begrudge him a trip.

bellac11 · 29/05/2022 16:18

Matchingcollarandcuffs · 29/05/2022 16:12

I wouldn’t expect DP to stay with me in your shoes and would be gutted if he did rather than go on holiday. Can’t you just plan a more gentle abroad holiday and all your Dr for emergency meds in case things flare up again?

it might affect OPs insurance if she is already ill though?

Oblomov22 · 29/05/2022 16:31

I don't think he's being unreasonable. He likes to travel. You aren't ill, it's a what if it flares up again.

littlegreenheart · 29/05/2022 16:39

Is he really booking something else for himself, or just going on the planned trip alone? If it's the planned trip, Is the trip refundable, and he's choosing to go alone now rather than rescheduling for both of you? Have you suggested postponing, if there's no/limited penalty, and going together another time? Has he taken extra leave from work that he can't reschedule and will "waste" if he stays home?

I see his point if he'd be going on the booked trip alone, esp if you'd lose money or he'd lose PTO by cancelling. Booking something new just to avoid missing out on two bank holiday days seems a bit extreme though and there won't be great last minute deals in the current climate - and I say that as someone who loves to travel.