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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you work here?

46 replies

Tubs11 · 29/05/2022 14:06

Currently out on mat leave and suffered a lot of trauma these past 12 months- near death of baby and loss of sibling under tragic circumstances

In both instances my direct line manager didn't contact me, but knew the pressure we were under with both events. I find it really strange they didn't check in or offer condolences.

Would you cut and run or would you return to work?

Can find a similar role pretty easily so that is not an issue.

I'm a line manager myself so interested to hear how people would view this.

OP posts:
Jott · 29/05/2022 14:08

Do they have a culture of being thoughtless or lax? Could it be your anger was giving you space/privacy and didn't want to bother you during what was obviously an emotional time?

Original poster
Tubs11 · 29/05/2022 14:15

@jott gut feel is that it was low on their priority list

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 29/05/2022 14:17

I'd return to work because I wouldn't have expected my line manager to contact me tbh.

orwellwasright · 29/05/2022 14:17

Did anyone from work contact you?

Original poster
Tubs11 · 29/05/2022 14:20

@orwellwasright no

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 29/05/2022 14:22

I wouldn’t expect anyone from work to contact me on maternity leave for any reason really. With mine, it was agreed beforehand what sort of contact I’d like and expect.

How would they know about these stressful life experiences? If you’ve told HR then I certainly wouldn’t expect them to gossip and pass on confidential info to anyone

SofiaSoFar · 29/05/2022 14:23

You wouldn't have to look too hard to find threads on MN where people are incensed that their manager/employer has dared to contact them when they're off work for any reason (sick/bereavement/maternity/whatever).

I wouldn't use lack of contact as a reason to leave.

norwegianwoood · 29/05/2022 14:26

Of course they should have messaged if they had any ounce of compassion. I’m not talking about constantly checking in - just an acknowledgment.

people are so fucking weird on mumsnet.

Wheredoestheblackfluffcomefrom · 29/05/2022 14:36

In your situation I wouldn’t want to hear from work. Just return and be professional. You would be harming yourself not doing so.

SpaceJamtart · 29/05/2022 14:36

It maybe depends how big the company is and also if you told them what was going on.

If i had told my line manager that my child was very sick I would expect her to check in but she only manages three people and we get on well.
My previous manager who was in charge of 50 people and I only met three times, i would not expect him to care if my sibling died unless maybe they had witnessed me being incredibly upset about it. But I would probably only told them to ask for time off for ompassionate leave, and i wouldnt expect him to reach out and check on me.

I wouldnt necessarily quit over their indifference but it does depend on the circumstances.

BrioNotBiro · 29/05/2022 14:36

I was off for two months with two emergency hospitalisations.. This was during covid lockdown and I live alone so couldn't see anyone. I never heard from my manager or team members.

I thought it was a bit snotty of them, but it's just a job. I got my sick pay, they didn't owe me anything beyond my contract, nor me them.

I certainly wouldn't be leaving an otherwise good job just to cut off my nose and make a point.

Testina · 29/05/2022 14:40

Officially, at my workplace (big, corporate, policies for everything - but not in a bad way) your line manager would have had to go to HR for permission to contact you. We are very strict about protecting maternity leave. So there’s that to consider.

How would your line manager have known about these two events? If you are socially in contact with one of the team, and think they would pass it on - it’s still no necessarily appropriate for them to contact you. Honestly, I’d expect my line manager to express sympathy during a work setting, but not contact during leave to do so.

If I was otherwise happy with how I was treated at work, liked my job and the opportunities, I’d think that a strange thing to leave over.

Testina · 29/05/2022 14:42

How was your line manager aware, as you say they were?

100Stickers · 29/05/2022 14:47

If I was on mat leave when these things happened then no, I wouldnt expect to be contacted by my manager. I'd only expect them to call me if it effected my work. It's a professional relationship, not a personal one. I'd maybe expect to hear from colleagues I was particularly close to, but not my manager.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 29/05/2022 14:48

How did they know though if you say nobody has been in contact?

Original poster
Tubs11 · 29/05/2022 14:57

@Testina small company and close connection to everyone in the company so when it looked like our baby wouldn't make it I asked everyone to be informed around the due date so I didn't receive the inevitable "have you had your baby yet?"

For the loss of my sibling, I was due to have a KIT meeting but had to cancel on those grounds so asked for line manager to be told on this basis

OP posts:
NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 29/05/2022 14:59

When I was a line manager, I had one report that I socialised with outside of work (we'd started at the same time at the same level, then I got promoted, so had time to forge friendship) and others that I didn't.

The friend report - I would (did, in fact) contact them when tragedy struck with my personal condolences.

The other reports - we did not have out-of-work contact, and I would not have contacted them when they were on maternity leave for any reason.

AnElegantChaos · 29/05/2022 15:00

Firstly, sorry for your loss, it sounds like you've had an incredibly tough time.

I think yes, there should have been contact, just some kind of acknowledgement at least, especially as you say being a small company.

Original poster
Tubs11 · 29/05/2022 15:01

@AnElegantChaos thank you xx

OP posts:
AnElegantChaos · 29/05/2022 15:02

Should have added, I wouldn't actually leave because of it though. At the end of the day, they are just colleagues.

mycatisannoying · 29/05/2022 15:03

I can't imagine being in a workplace where I wasn't contacted over either of these events.
I am sorry for the loss of your sibling, and hope that your baby is ok.
YANBU Flowers

mycatisannoying · 29/05/2022 15:04

Some very emotionally withdrawn people on here.

orwellwasright · 29/05/2022 15:06

I'm really sorry this happened to you. I think my company would have been in contact, yes.

Does it help to see this as a single person's decision rather than the company's? Basically there were probably very few people, perhaps only one, who would have felt responsible for whether to contact you or not and for whatever reason that person didn't. Probably because they didn't want to intrude or they're just shit with this sort of thing

Having suffered a sudden bereavement myself I know all too well that lots and lots of people just aren't good at reaching out. It might help, or might not, to not see this as your entire company's fault, therefore there's no need to leave, rather the poor decision of an individual.

CaptSkippy · 29/05/2022 15:09

I would go back as soon as I was able to. I would only cut and run if my manager would pressure me to come back sooner or try to make me work while I was still on leave.

It would be nice if managers checked in, yes. But ultimately they are not your friends. It's a business relationship. I tend to forget that myself sometimes because I communicate so often with my manager during work hours. It makes it seems the bond is closer than it actually is.

Talkingtopigeons · 29/05/2022 15:10

I would wait to see what the reaction is when returning to work. Most workplaces I've been in have a culture/expectation of not contacting someone who is on leave (holiday, mat leave etc) for any reason, outside of the formal expectations like KIT.

Honestly if this happened to someone I supervised I would be thinking about them but wouldn't get in touch with them as I'd assume the last thing they would want would be to hear from work.

Sorry for what you've been though