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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Acknowledging my son’s first birthday

38 replies

Mangotango123 · 29/05/2022 09:00

It was our son’s first birthday yesterday. He is our only son. He was a really lucky boy and had lots of cards and gifts from my family and friends. We did not so much as get a text message from my husband’s side of the family including his parents.
For context, I’ve always found them to be a bit off in terms of celebrations. When our son was born they didn’t rush to meet him, no gift, no card. According to my husband they ‘don’t do cards’. When he was christened, they all came to church and the little tea party, but again no one came with a gift or even a card - instead brought cans of alcohol when I had previously said no when they randomly asked (it was cup of tea and a cake on a Sunday afternoon, I didn’t want it becoming an excuse for them to have a piss up). At Christmas he was given £40 (direct to my husband), no card. But I have got used to fact that a card wasn’t going to happen.

I always buy for my nieces and nephews on my husband’s side - Xmas and birthdays. Plus we buy for his mum and dad on birthday, Christmas and mothers/Father’s Day.

To not even have a text (let alone gift) yesterday to acknowledge their grandson’s first birthday (I checked with my husband and they didn’t him either) in my eyes is just not what you do, and I wonder how anyone one else would feel in this situation? Would you say something? I’m always very polite to them, and get on well with them, but I’m at a point where I just sort of think F you really!

OP posts:

Hoolahulahoop · 29/05/2022 09:02

Sorry to hear that. You know what. For your own sake leave it pass. Then ensure you never get them a Christmas or birthday present.

Be polite but distant.

Choccomonster · 29/05/2022 09:06

I would find it odd but I wouldn't say anything.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 29/05/2022 09:07

YANBU to be saddened by their apparent lack of interest.
YABU to expect anymore from your in laws when they’ve clearly been like this a long time.

id try to accept that this how they are. They’re are not gift givers or actively engaged with celebrations or events. I don’t think this will change and so I don’t think speaking to them is worth while.

If I were you though I wouldn’t be purchasing cards/gifts for them either. Doesn’t your partner do his side anyway?

KyaClark · 29/05/2022 09:09

Stop buying for them. It's not appreciated.

Sirzy · 29/05/2022 09:10

It’s a bit odd but sounds like it is just their normal approach to things so it’s nothing personal.

I would pay more attention to how they are with him in general than if they make a fuss on big days.

I don’t see anything wrong with giving money for Christmas though, with such a young baby I would say it’s actually pretty sensible!

stairgates · 29/05/2022 09:13

Is he their first grandchild? If not then he's just another grandchild, the novelty has worn off for them. Don't be offended by them just stop wasting your time buying for them if you are hoping that one day that will change and start buying back.

aSofaNearYou · 29/05/2022 09:14

You need to stop buying gifts for them. Not to be petty but if they "don't do gifts" they shouldn't be receiving them either, otherwise they DO do gifts they are just too selfish to give as well as receive.

Iamnotamermaid · 29/05/2022 09:14

I understand the card thing - I rarely do them these days. The same way thank you notes to me are often a what's app message rather than a card or note.

So all this 'I always buy for my nieces and nephews on my husband’s side - Xmas and birthdays. Plus we buy for his mum and dad on birthday, Christmas and mothers/Father’s Day' I would let slide quietly and just match what they do and do not acknowledge their birthdays, Christmas etc and leave your husband to do what he feels is best.

MarmaladeLime · 29/05/2022 09:16

Were they like this when DH was a child?
Anyway I don't think they'll change, it is a bit sad but for the sake of your child don't say anything. Just focus on having a lovely day.

MarmaladeLime · 29/05/2022 09:16

Oh and yes stop organising gifts etc.

Ahlola · 29/05/2022 09:17

Your DH has already explained to you that they don't really do things the usual way. So I wouldn't expect it but I wouldn't by them gifts either.

They do sound a bit dysfunctional TBH if they're rocking up to the christening with a four pack. So perhaps it's best to keep your distance and leave any present buying for your DH to do.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/05/2022 09:17

Rude! Honestly the expectations bar for families to give a damn on mn is pretty low- but I’m with you OP.
honestly stop buying for his family- tell them you’re no longer acknowledging birthdays, same way they don’t do cards

VintageVest · 29/05/2022 09:21

It's weird they didn't even acknowledge his birthday or want to see him when he was born. I'd be hurt about that too. I have no idea why you are buying them cards and gifts though. If I were you, I wouldn't bother anymore.

Motnight · 29/05/2022 09:21

Stop expecting your husband's family to respond in the way that you want them to, it isn't going to happen and will only end in repeated disappointment for you. This will also give you freedom to stop buying presents etc for them and take a step back.

We had similar happen and I was initially really hurt but looking back it gave me permission not to have to worry about a whole set of birthdays etc.

Your little boy will have had a fantastic day surrounded by the people who he loves, and who love him.

MerryMarigold · 29/05/2022 09:28

I think they are not a gift giving family and as such that may think it strange all the gifts you shower them with. I would continue to buy children gifts (maybe just at Christmas).

I only give xmas gifts to my dh's family children. They have this weird thing where you only give gifts if the person has a party. Since we live miles away and they all live close together, no one wants to come to our house so we never get given gifts for our children. I just get Xmas gifts as we do tend to see people at some point over Xmas and you don't need to remember individual birthdays. It's easier and less investment from me (used to resent when I got all the children birthday gifts and mine got none).

TedMullins · 29/05/2022 09:32

Stop buying gifts and cards for anyone on his side of the family. They’re clearly not going to do it for you, and they’re not your responsibility - your husband can do their presents if he’s bothered.

ManateeFair · 29/05/2022 09:56

Your husband has told you that his family don’t do cards/gifts. It’s just their way. Why would you expect them to change that just because you think they should?

I agree it’s unusual. But it isn’t a personal snub in any way to you or your child. They just don’t have a tradition of cards and gifts etc in their family.

Don’t keep buying them presents if they don’t do gifts. Just accept that they’re different from your family.

Original poster

Mangotango123 · 29/05/2022 10:19

This is exactly my thoughts. It’s so random - they gave at Xmas but not birthday, there’s no consistency so I find that odd

OP posts:

Whatever00 · 29/05/2022 10:23

I don't do cards. I wouldn't send a text for a 1 year old either. I would give a gift when I saw the child.

Original poster

Mangotango123 · 29/05/2022 10:28

Yes absolutely no issue with money for Xmas, agree it’s sensible. Just odd that they suddenly do sentiment then and no other time.

I agree with you all though, I think maybe bc it’s my child’s first birthday, it was a special milestone, and I find it hurtful as he’s obviously such an important part of our life.

also agree they’re very different people from me/my family - so I guess it just strikes me as odd as it’s not what I would call good form or how I’ve been raised. It wasn’t even so much the gift, or lack of, more so the lack of acknowledgment to the day.

Also agree that presents to them will be terminated. It’s not so much as a retaliation but I feel I don’t see the point as they apparently don’t ‘do’ them. Maybe they should have said previous years ‘thanks for the lovely gift but moving forward shall we just not bother as we have never been a family to bother with gifts etc’.

Thanks for all your messages, hope you all have lovely weekends 😊

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/05/2022 12:53

Whatever00 · 29/05/2022 10:23

I don't do cards. I wouldn't send a text for a 1 year old either. I would give a gift when I saw the child.

You wouldn’t msg your own family a happy birthday if you weren’t seeing them on the day?

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/05/2022 13:01

A card and gift for a one-year-old is just a card and gift to please its parents and make them feel special. A bit like Happy Birthday messages on Facebook addressed to babies and children. If your in laws aren’t givers of cards or gifts to adults then it’s unsurprising they wouldn’t send them in this instance.

They don’t value or appreciate cards and gifts, so just stop sending stuff to them and accept they’ll show they care about your baby in different ways.

ZekeZeke · 29/05/2022 13:01

Where does your DS sit in regards to number of grandchildren on your DH side?

As others have said. Stop the gifts and cards to his side. Let your DH organise if he wants.

Happy Birthday to your DS.

Mally100 · 29/05/2022 13:22

We why are you surprised? You say they are off about these things so what's the issue. They just don't seem to be that types of people like your daily. Stop running around after them buying gifts , leave it to your dh.

girlmom21 · 29/05/2022 13:34

What's their interaction like with him for the rest of the year?

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