Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forcing 13 year old to see dad

28 replies

Howdoidoit100 · 29/05/2022 08:06

I'm after some advice and guidance from you knowledgeable lot. :-)

My son is 13 and has always had a turbulent relationship with his Dad. There has been regular violence and swearing etc from him towards his Dad when he is angry. DS says his Dad is rough with him, but DS Dad says it's more that DS gets hurt when he tried to restrain him (which sounds correct). I do not have this behaviour at my house and I would not tolerate it, he knows there would be significant consequences.

For the past few months DS has refused to go to his dad's house, rarely answers dad's texts and calls and just doesn't want to engage with him. DS Dad is angry at me and says that DS lies to me about what happens at his place and that it's up to me to facilitate their relationship and I need to make him visit. I'm not sure how I can force him, but I do frequently encourage him to make contact and ask him if he wants to go see him. DS responds with a hard 'no'.

Little back story, DS struggles emotionally and has counselling. A few years ago a referral (by counsellor) was put through to social services about emotional abuse from his dad. School also urged me to 'take protective steps'. Contact stopped for about 4 months, DS decided he wanted contact again, social services weren't bothered about the situation so I let contact resume.

Do I think Dad is emotionally abusive? Yes. Do I want him to have a relationship with his Dad? Yes, but a healthy one, not as it is at the moment.

The question is, should I force DS to see his Dad and if so how?

OP posts:
Aimee1987 · 29/05/2022 08:09

No, if there is previous evidence of psychological abuse then let your son be.

Reply to ex saying it has nothing to do with you. It's up to DS if he want to maintain contact.

LuaDipa · 29/05/2022 08:10

Your son has made his decision and you need to support him.

CiderJolly · 29/05/2022 08:12

No absolutely not- it sounds like ds is the only sensible one amongst the three of you.

Why would anyone pursue a relationship as toxic as this one?

MountainClimber22 · 29/05/2022 08:14

100% no. He's 13 let him decide. His dad sounds like a bad influence sounds like you have a smart kid.

rainbowunicorn · 29/05/2022 08:15

You say in your post that you know his dad is emotionally abusive. Why would you even consider forcing him to see his dad if that is the case?

You need to protect your son, not force him to go somewhere where he is abused.

Soontobe60 · 29/05/2022 08:16

Is it possible for DS to see his DF with you there? Eg meeting up for lunch? That way, you’re there to support your DS rather than him being by himself.
I do think it’s important for children to have a relationship with both parents where possible - obviously that’s not a blanket comment - because as a teacher, I see the absolute fall out resulting from breakdowns of parent / child relationships. Often boys in particular find it hard to see their DFs as anything other than the enemy. Fathers then are unable to respond appropriately.
ultimately, I’d like to see automatic free family counselling for all families who experience break up!

ASandwichNamedKevin · 29/05/2022 08:20

So you're asking if you should force your child to go and spend time being emotionally abused. You need to work on boundaries if you think that is reasonable. The child's wishes trump the dad's even without the abuse.

Original poster
Howdoidoit100 · 29/05/2022 08:20

rainbowunicorn · 29/05/2022 08:15

You say in your post that you know his dad is emotionally abusive. Why would you even consider forcing him to see his dad if that is the case?

You need to protect your son, not force him to go somewhere where he is abused.

Although I believe his dad is emotionally abusive, social services have twice not been interested. Dad says what I am told by DS is all lies, but I believe DS.

I am not making him go and don't plan to, but the messages I am getting from his Dad make me question myself. I don't want my personal feelings about his dad to influence what is overall in the best interests of my son.

I guess I'm looking for reassurance that i just continue doing what I am doing.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 29/05/2022 08:20

You don't force anyone to have a relationship with someone who's emotionally abusive. Full stop. Ever.

13 is more than old enough to know what he wants and it's not up to you to maintain their relationship. His dad says that because he's not competent enough to do it.

megletthesecond · 29/05/2022 08:22

Yabu. He shouldn't have to see his dad.

Original poster
Howdoidoit100 · 29/05/2022 08:24

Soontobe60 · 29/05/2022 08:16

Is it possible for DS to see his DF with you there? Eg meeting up for lunch? That way, you’re there to support your DS rather than him being by himself.
I do think it’s important for children to have a relationship with both parents where possible - obviously that’s not a blanket comment - because as a teacher, I see the absolute fall out resulting from breakdowns of parent / child relationships. Often boys in particular find it hard to see their DFs as anything other than the enemy. Fathers then are unable to respond appropriately.
ultimately, I’d like to see automatic free family counselling for all families who experience break up!

Thank you for your response.

I would be open to being there to meet, however it is still a hard no from my son.

I think I would probably struggle to be around him. Just his messages make me question myself constantly. I know I'm right but there is always that annoying part of the brain that goes 'but are you?'.

OP posts:
Parryon · 29/05/2022 08:28

It sounds like you are listening to your son and supporting your son, and I would carry on doing just that. Your ex sounds awful and your son sounds like he has found a way to put in boundaries.

You’ve facilitated contact already and it was up to your ex to facilitate a positive loving relationship with his son - instead he chose to be emotionally and physically abusive.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 29/05/2022 08:32

“Although I believe his dad is emotionally abusive, social services have twice not been interested.” - because they’re over run and this was comparably less of a priority. This doesn’t mean contact is good for your son.

No don’t force him to go.
you agree his father has been emotionally abusive so why would you encourage contact? It sounds as though his father has been physically abusive too. If there’s physical altercation his father needs to be walking away… he can’t be scrapping with a 13 year old!

it sounds to me like the situation is entirely of his fathers own making. He’s treated his son like crap….and now he’s older he’s fighting back…literally. Really it’s amazing that your son has taken steps to protect himself….sounds like absolutely the right decision. Much better for there to be no contact than to allow physical fights and emotional abuse.

I would ignore the text from your ex. He’s reaping what he’s sowed.
id also support your son with his decision.

Mememene · 29/05/2022 08:42

Support your sons wishes,tell your ex it's his responsibility to improve his relationship with his ds. Suggest calls, letters, cards, gifts, apologies, explanations to rebuild.

Original poster
Howdoidoit100 · 29/05/2022 08:43

Thanks all. You have all confirmed my feelings, I guess I also suffer with the manipulation from his Dad which makes me question myself.

It's really interesting that many of you feel my son is putting in his own boundaries. He really is, and I will continue to support him in it and continue battling his father on his behalf.

Just as I side note, the early intervention team told me when I initially withdrew contact a few years ago that 'I had to let him see him sooner or later' and to 'take no notice of the counsellor'. At that point I decided to withdraw from their services.

OP posts:
YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 29/05/2022 08:46

Your son is 13 so that alone means that he’s old enough to have his views on this respected. Add into that the emotional abuse, which social services advised about and I would say that it’s basically a no-brainer.

It’s strange really. If an adult is in an emotionally abusive relationship we tell them they should leave as they don’t deserve to put up with that. But with children we tell them to keep persevering and hope it gets better. I don’t just mean you OP, it’s not an attack. I mean family court at times but mostly society. It’s the same with adult children who get sick of their parent’s shit and cut them off. Gasps of “but that’s your mum/dad! How could you?”

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 29/05/2022 08:48

Ignore the word just in the “I don’t just mean you” line. I actually didn’t mean to put that.

Isaidnoalready · 29/05/2022 08:50

Howdoidoit100 · 29/05/2022 08:20

Although I believe his dad is emotionally abusive, social services have twice not been interested. Dad says what I am told by DS is all lies, but I believe DS.

I am not making him go and don't plan to, but the messages I am getting from his Dad make me question myself. I don't want my personal feelings about his dad to influence what is overall in the best interests of my son.

I guess I'm looking for reassurance that i just continue doing what I am doing.

Show quote history

Social services are pretty powerless when it comes to emotional abuse I had a social worker tell me my son being abused emotionally by his father didn't meet threshold and to just not force contact

Original poster
Howdoidoit100 · 29/05/2022 08:58

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 29/05/2022 08:46

Your son is 13 so that alone means that he’s old enough to have his views on this respected. Add into that the emotional abuse, which social services advised about and I would say that it’s basically a no-brainer.

It’s strange really. If an adult is in an emotionally abusive relationship we tell them they should leave as they don’t deserve to put up with that. But with children we tell them to keep persevering and hope it gets better. I don’t just mean you OP, it’s not an attack. I mean family court at times but mostly society. It’s the same with adult children who get sick of their parent’s shit and cut them off. Gasps of “but that’s your mum/dad! How could you?”

Yes, you have a very good point. I guess cutting a parent off as an adult is one thing, as a child society questions whether kids are just being difficult or if parental alienation is involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
Howdoidoit100 · 29/05/2022 09:01

Isaidnoalready · 29/05/2022 08:50

Social services are pretty powerless when it comes to emotional abuse I had a social worker tell me my son being abused emotionally by his father didn't meet threshold and to just not force contact

Show quote history

I think it's also something that is so difficult to prove. My definition of abuse can be vastly different to the next person. Son tells a story one way and Father tells entirely different story.

OP posts:
Whitehorsegirl · 29/05/2022 09:07

Why on earth would you want a kid to be forced to see a man who has previous history of abusing him and who seems to think it is OK to physically ''restrain'' a teenager (this could escalate into something nasty)?

What should be doing is making sure he legally has no right to demand to see his son ever again...

Your son is making the right decision in not wanting to have anything to do with his father. Your job is to keep him safe and to support him.

Your ex's behaviour made his son not want to have anything to do with him. Actions have consequences.

catwomando · 29/05/2022 09:09

Hi @Howdoidoit100 Re your post saying that there seem to be 2 different stories to the abuse and their encounters. Frankly it doesn't really matter as you're son's version is his perception and therefore the reality he has in his head . I'd keep listening to your boy and support him in whatever decision he makes.

If your ex doesn't like it and gives you shit, just shrug and let him shout to himself about it. If ex wants to stay in contact he can do so by letter or text, or maybe the occasional call to try and keep (passive) contact going. He needs to show adult patience. His dad needs to win back trust and that will take time (or may never happen).

I think if I was in your ex's position I would do everything I could to mend the relationship and take the cues from my child as to the pace and nature of contact. He needs to listen to your boy and back off for now.

I'd suggest that to your boy saying that it seems a fair compromise that keeps him in control and keeps the door open in case he ever wants to resurrect a relationship with his dad.

Singleandproud · 29/05/2022 09:15

Your son knows who his dad is. He has a relationship with him just not a good one. Continue supporting your son and his boundaries as you are. When your sin is older he may chose to have a relationship with him, he may not but its his choice.

Text his Dad that although you are sure that he is disappointed that you will support DSs decision not to see him as a court would as he is over 12 and that you will be in touch if DS changes his mind. Then turn your phone off or change the number and just get on with your lives.

Original poster
Howdoidoit100 · 29/05/2022 09:18

catwomando · 29/05/2022 09:09

Hi @Howdoidoit100 Re your post saying that there seem to be 2 different stories to the abuse and their encounters. Frankly it doesn't really matter as you're son's version is his perception and therefore the reality he has in his head . I'd keep listening to your boy and support him in whatever decision he makes.

If your ex doesn't like it and gives you shit, just shrug and let him shout to himself about it. If ex wants to stay in contact he can do so by letter or text, or maybe the occasional call to try and keep (passive) contact going. He needs to show adult patience. His dad needs to win back trust and that will take time (or may never happen).

I think if I was in your ex's position I would do everything I could to mend the relationship and take the cues from my child as to the pace and nature of contact. He needs to listen to your boy and back off for now.

I'd suggest that to your boy saying that it seems a fair compromise that keeps him in control and keeps the door open in case he ever wants to resurrect a relationship with his dad.

Thank you. I agree with everything you have said.

I think I would rather contact is via text message as then its somewhat documented. I'm totally following DS lead.

OP posts:
Original poster
Howdoidoit100 · 29/05/2022 09:20

Singleandproud · 29/05/2022 09:15

Your son knows who his dad is. He has a relationship with him just not a good one. Continue supporting your son and his boundaries as you are. When your sin is older he may chose to have a relationship with him, he may not but its his choice.

Text his Dad that although you are sure that he is disappointed that you will support DSs decision not to see him as a court would as he is over 12 and that you will be in touch if DS changes his mind. Then turn your phone off or change the number and just get on with your lives.

Wow. You are spot on, do you know us? On next contact I will do exactly that.

OP posts: