Oh, I miss lead you.

[Greenapplejam]

At the inlaws for the weekend. Partner of 6 years head out to meet a stag party in town after dinner to join in one of the "events" and stay for a drink after. - il be home by 11.....
Myself at inlaws with 2 small kids who aren't great sleepers.
Half 1.. no sigh of himself, dropped a text and a call no response.... half 2 called him "oh I'm at the casino... I miss lead you when I said I'd be back by 11" ....
Asked him to come home... hour and a half later rocks up with chips...
Kids wake at 6 and he will sleep off his drinking until probably 1 or 2.

I couldn't care less how late he stays out till as long as he said that it would be a late one or even messaged to say he was staying out later.
Is this a reasonable ask, or as my mil has said that when they get a drink in them they lose their priorities and what did I expect 🤔

I'm at the point of packing the kids into the car and heading home without him, so he can have some time to work on what are his priorities or stay at his parents house and letting them deal with the grown man they have raised.

Not impressed this morning 😴

You're right, he should have said it would be a late one, but also, did you really expect him home from a stag do at 11.00? Also, don't let him sleep in. Wake him up by 9.30, that's what happens when you have a family.

I'm almost 100% sure he would not be happy for you to do the same thing.

Sit him down and explain this.

If he's remorseful, and promises to be straight with me next time, I'd forgive.

If he's bullish, tries to justify his actions and claims it's different for him, I'd leave.

A man who considers his wife and mother of his DC the little woman of the house who is there simply to facilitate him and his wants is not one who is going to change in a hurry.

Well he was an arse to lie about it but I would not let him be sleeping late. His choice to stay out, your choice to wake him up at a reasonable ( or unreasonably early) time. He has kids he needs to help with. Tough if he is feeling rough…

So you very occasionally go out and he takes the kids for someone else to look after with him? ( his parents)
He works away, so you already have the kids more alone and then also goes out more often and sometimes stays out leaving you with the kids that evening and probably most of the day after?

I think you are mad because there is no balance to this. Everyone should be out and about without partners but it shouldn’t be so one sided.

He should of taken the kids to in-laws, you could of had a break on your own at home and in-laws could of babysat. You wouldn’t have cared then. Or maybe they wouldn’t of put up with a man child sleeping the day away whole left with the kids.

I'd be pissed off, unless I got on really well with his parents and was happy spending time with them alone I'd be feeling awkward about spending most of the day with them without me there. If he had told me in advance I'd have made other plans

Also a flippant 'I misled you'...things happen and plans change in groups, but it sounds like he out and out lied, deliberately...why?

Why did he lie? If he would have just said "I'm on a stag, don't wait up", would you have been okay with it, or would there have been upset and drama? I think this is important, as your reaction to him stopping out late and trying to contact him seems dramatic. I am assuming, by the way, if you were on a hen do he wouldn't insist you were home by 11?

Did he know his dad was staying up to collect him?

Does he ever look after the DC by himself?

If he's going to act like a prize bell end the least he could do is allow you to have some space to fume. I'd be packing up and taking the kids home, OP. Nothing worse than being pissed off with DP in their parent's house!! It sounds like his Mum is predictably ready with excuses for his pathetic ass!

He sounds awfully childish. I mean, a 'sleepover' at his mate's house?! WTF?!!

I'd have been up, sent the kids in for him to look after and gone out myself. Even if I just ended up going for a drive and then reading the papers in a lay by!!!

It's not that I would have a problem with my dh staying g out late (for a stag do or whatever), but I'd be mad if he said he'd be back at 11 and then stayed out to the small hours!!

He didn't have a drink in him when he lied and said he'd be home by 11.

You were there to visit your in-laws not for him to have a jolly with his mates.

I think you're over reacting. You said yourself you were skeptical about him coming back at 11. I've gone out with very good intentions to leave at a certain time, then we're having such a good time I stay on. This is not a new phenomenon.

We're heading to my dh hometown next week and he's going out with his mates and I'll be with the dc and IL'S. He has no curfew- he hasn't seen his mates in 3 years. I just want him to have a good time. None of us will be waiting up for him.

I’m the worst for saying I’ll be home for 11 and then not being. I’m thinking I’ll make it back for then when I say it. Sometimes I do…but as often I don’t.
Why say it? Thinking out loud I suppose, as my dh doesn’t mind either way.

If my dh was heading out for stag drinks and said he’d be home for 11 I’d not take him seriously. I wouldn’t hold him to it either.

I’m glad this thread has found in favour of the dh. There’s an overall feeling on Mumsnet that men aren’t really allowed an identity or interest in anything outside of work or family. In our case, dh is the homebody while I’m the more adventurous and social one. I often put myself in some of these husbands’ shoes and think how I would hate to be married to some of the women here.

I am a so-called Cool Wife, I guess. But really, it’s more relative to the fact that I have a Cool Husband. He’s easy-ozie about me doing what I like. On the rare occasion HE wants to hang loose or please himself I’m all for it. We have both been consistent responsible parents throughout because we compensate for one another’s time-outs.

If this were my husband, I’d be there-thereing him with a bacon roll. I know some of you will combust at the very suggestion…but that’s what he does for me. We repay the kindness back and forth.

I’m not saying my marriage is any example to go by…but on this issue I think we’ve got it sussed.

Why? My wife and children often spend an evening with my parents without me. Why is it best avoided?

Which sounds great, @pictish , but would you be doing so if he clearly told you he'd lied about his plans?

I wouldn't.

DH and I are similar - we accept neither of us are perfect and do what we can to make each other feel better if we wake up exhausted or a bit hungover.

I know MN seems to be full of perfect people who never stay out later than planned, but IRL it's normal for plans to change and for people to want to stay out later, move on to a different bar, end up at someone's house etc.

If I stayed out later than normal and ended up sleeping in, I wouldn't want DH to get in a sulk and berate me for it. It's just not a nice way to treat another adult IMO.

Why haven’t men cottoned on that it’s better to say you’ll be back later than you intend. You plan to be back at midnight, you say l’ll be back about one, you come home an hour earlier (midnight), wife is happy you came home ‘early’. It’s not rocket science 😁

Staying out a bit later than intended is one thing, and most people have done this.

Telling your wife that you lied about your plans is another.

Did you honestly expect him home from a stag at 11?

You must have known that you'd have been left with nights,e work and early morning at MILs as he was going up to go out with his mates.

You could have said you weren't happy and not gone.

I'd be annoyed he misled me - but I'm another who would have questioned him when he said he'd be home at 11 as that was unrealistic.

So long as you keep being his doormat he'll keep walking all over you.

Leave your kids with his parentds, get in the car and go home. Have a nice day to yourself. That's only fair, right?

Let the drunk face the annoyance of his parents and two bawling kids and find his own way home (with 2 kids and all their clobber).
.

So the short version is: you went to see ILs and with no prior notice he was invited to part of a stag do. He then just flat out lied to make it sound more reasonable and abandoned you, his kids, his parents, with that lie.

Go home. Tell his mum you can't look at him at the moment, let alone listen to his snoring and then his "poor me" hangover whining. Maybe she can talk some sense into him, if she can bring herself to see him as an adult, a husband, a father.

Staying out isn't the issue. Lying is.

Going against the grain here - but how many times have you gone on a night out and stayed later than intended? Assuming it’s not a regular occurrence, then let him enjoy his time!
my DH went out for football last night, said he wouldn’t be late .. got home at 2.40am …! I’m just glad he had a great time! Doesn't bother me at all. We have children and don’t get out very often. We all need some release time!

@pictish so is it fine for his dad to be waiting up for him to go and get him and he takes the piss and not come home until 4am

Idiot. Just say you'll be out late.

Unless you don't allow that? Which would be out of order.

Otherwise how childish to lie like that. I'd be telling him to grow up.