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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh, I miss lead you.

76 replies

Greenapplejam · 29/05/2022 07:15

At the inlaws for the weekend. Partner of 6 years head out to meet a stag party in town after dinner to join in one of the "events" and stay for a drink after. - il be home by 11.....
Myself at inlaws with 2 small kids who aren't great sleepers.
Half 1.. no sigh of himself, dropped a text and a call no response.... half 2 called him "oh I'm at the casino... I miss lead you when I said I'd be back by 11" ....
Asked him to come home... hour and a half later rocks up with chips...
Kids wake at 6 and he will sleep off his drinking until probably 1 or 2.

I couldn't care less how late he stays out till as long as he said that it would be a late one or even messaged to say he was staying out later.
Is this a reasonable ask, or as my mil has said that when they get a drink in them they lose their priorities and what did I expect 🤔

I'm at the point of packing the kids into the car and heading home without him, so he can have some time to work on what are his priorities or stay at his parents house and letting them deal with the grown man they have raised.

Not impressed this morning 😴

OP posts:
Arnaquer · 29/05/2022 08:03

If you're staying at the in laws I assume it's your OHs home town and he has friends there that he hasn't seen for a while?
Did you know he was going to the stag do before hand?
If so I wouldn't be that bothered he was later than he said.

Why the need to pack up and rush home? Let your in laws have some time with the children and you can relax with a cup of tea.

TiddleyWink · 29/05/2022 08:03

It depends what kind of relationship you have. People who like and trust each other and work as a team, want the other one to go out occasionally and enjoy themselves. But it has to work both ways.

This. If my DH went out on a stag do he wouldn’t be back by 11pm and I wouldn’t particularly want him to be, I’d want him to go and have fun because he doesn’t do that sort of thing often, and because I adore him and want good and fun things for him. I’d also want him to have a lie in after because that’s part of the package of a night out. But I also know that he would do the same for me!

At face value you sound really unreasonable - expecting a grown man to stick to an early curfew and talking as if you’ll leave him for having a night out and that his parents should be ashamed of him for it… Most parents would be horrified to see their DiL flounce off in a sulk because of one night out and having to look after her own kids got a few hours, and be worried about who their son had married!

BUT if he does this all the time and wouldn’t be ok the other way around, that’s a different story.

BackToTheTop · 29/05/2022 08:05

A lot would depend on how involved he is with the family, if he'd offer you the same courtesy if you went out drinking with the girls (a loooong lie in ), and if it's a regular occurrence.

We all need to blow off steam now and again, it's good for us. That includes the op too. Also an 11pm finish for a stag do is unrealistic tbh

DDivaStar · 29/05/2022 08:13

Mis led is an odd thing to say but that just might have been the drink.

Tbh I think it was odd to think he'd leave the rest of the stag do at 11 and come home, I also don't see why you asked him to come home when he was enjoying himself.

You are both allowed to go out and let your hair down occasionally...... If its just one night its got nothing to do with priorities.

Sally872 · 29/05/2022 08:15

He should have text to let you know staying out later. But 11pm is quite early for a night out with friends so I wouldn't have been surprised or bothered about 1.30am.

Veol · 29/05/2022 08:16

If me or DH wanted to stay at our parents and go to a hen/stag do, the other one would not have gone come along as it would mean hanging out with the in laws alone. The whole situation is best avoided.

2pinkginsplease · 29/05/2022 08:18

If my dh goes out I don’t expect him home before the early hours and I expect him to lie longer in the morning. However he rarely goes out.

who goes home by 11pm?

if it’s a one off suck it up , if it happens every weekend then wake him up, no long lie for him.

girlmom21 · 29/05/2022 08:23

Nobody goes to a stag do in the evening and stays for one drink. I'm very surprised he answered the phone in the casino to be fair, and that he came home when you asked.

As a one off you're overreacting.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 29/05/2022 08:26

I couldn't get so wound up about this to be honest op

I'd be pissed odd he said he'd be back by 11 and then wasn't and tried to lie his way out of it but I'm assuming it was pre planned?

So you knew about it and still went to the in laws for the weekend so I'm confused why your so angry.

I wouldn't stay over with the in laws but that's personal choice as we aren't that close but you must be fairy close to be staying there so I don't see the difference between 11 or 1 to be honest.

Original poster
Greenapplejam · 29/05/2022 08:33

Great to get others view on this, I'm not sure if I'm blowing it all up, or should just get on with it.
The youngest is getting back molars at the moment, so sleep can be varied and eldest is a stupidly early riser.

He does go out (5 days away with work and a leaving do this month so far + this one and a sleep over at his mates next week. The same does not apply to me and he will bring kids to parents if i go away), and will be back by 12/1am or the time that he stipulated (no curfew from me unless we are due to do something the day after that could be impacted by his hangover).

We were due at his parents for a visit - (both our old home town) when he mentioned it to his friend from work (the stag) he was invited along to join the stag party for a drink or 2 as he was in the local area, not invited for the full stag party.
He chose 11, myself and his parents were pretty skeptical.

  • main issues are the misleading and not just dropping a message to stay I'm staying out later, (could of forgotten to message, but didn't have an issue checking WhatsApp)
His dad stayed up incase he needed to collect him, he has very doting parents.

There is history of him being a bit of a man child prior to kids, but seems to have hit a regression again!

OP posts:
theyarereallytakingthepissnow · 29/05/2022 08:36

I think you're over reacting. So what about all of it? What's going home early going to achieve apart from more negativity. You're a grown up staying at someone's house. Him being back earlier doesn't make the kids better sleepers.

You're at your in laws. Make friends with them. Stay. Enjoy being there, let the kids enjoy it, have some time to yourself if that's a possibility, eg, you could go for a walk, let your husband have a lie in. It doesn't have to be a problem.

This constant checking of partners and being cross when we have to parent alone is no way to have a good life and model kind respectful relationships. I had a partner who was never here because of his job. That's life. Don't make it harder for yourself, relax and let it go, who cares. Role model what you'd want for yourself and hopefully you'll get it back. If you don't, that's when you'd need a conversation.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 29/05/2022 08:40

Yanbu. I’d be pissed off.

1963andbewildered · 29/05/2022 08:40

TiddleyWink · 29/05/2022 08:03

It depends what kind of relationship you have. People who like and trust each other and work as a team, want the other one to go out occasionally and enjoy themselves. But it has to work both ways.

This. If my DH went out on a stag do he wouldn’t be back by 11pm and I wouldn’t particularly want him to be, I’d want him to go and have fun because he doesn’t do that sort of thing often, and because I adore him and want good and fun things for him. I’d also want him to have a lie in after because that’s part of the package of a night out. But I also know that he would do the same for me!

At face value you sound really unreasonable - expecting a grown man to stick to an early curfew and talking as if you’ll leave him for having a night out and that his parents should be ashamed of him for it… Most parents would be horrified to see their DiL flounce off in a sulk because of one night out and having to look after her own kids got a few hours, and be worried about who their son had married!

BUT if he does this all the time and wouldn’t be ok the other way around, that’s a different story.

This in a nutshell!

Original poster
Greenapplejam · 29/05/2022 08:46

He came home at 4, I spoke to him at around 2 to see if he was OK as his dad was waiting up to give him a lift home which is when he told me he fib about comming back by 11. He could of said, il be back tomorrow morning and I wouldn't of been fussed. Or when I called said oops forgot to text you, il be back when the casino kicks me out.
Its that he felt the need to lie about it

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 29/05/2022 08:50

The same does not apply to me and he will bring kids to parents if i go away), and will be back by 12/1am or the time that he stipulated (no curfew from me unless we are due to do something the day after that could be impacted by his hangover).

Sorry he tells you what time you have to be home when you go out? Well he can fuck right off with that.

spotcheck · 29/05/2022 08:54

He didn't 'fib' or mislead or anything cutesy. He lied.

If your husband wanted to go to the stag do, why not just take himself up there, go out, and leave you and kids at home where you're comfortable.

@TiddleyWink et al yes, normally it is great to send your partner away with a wave and hope he has a good time. OP's husband lied.

spotcheck · 29/05/2022 08:57

And by the way, yes, op should let her husband lie in, and let grandkids enjoy time with in-laws.
Sounds like there is an imbalance in the relationship which needs addressing

Magda72 · 29/05/2022 09:02

@Greenapplejam massive red flags for me in this. I was married to a man who did similar for years - went out when & how often he felt like it & always misled me about timing etc. I was constantly home alone with 3 small dc. I tolerated it for years as I was told by him & many others that I was uptight & unreasonable.
I finally cracked when he started staying out overnight or coming home at 6am. I asked him to choose his family or his social life - he chose his social life.
After years of therapy I now know I was married to a functioning alcoholic who also cheated repeatedly while under the influence.
I don't mean to alarm you but ime this behaviour (the lying & misleading) is a massive signifier of addiction (I've done a LOT of work around this) & not a signifier of just liking a good time.
I'd be having serious conversations with him if I were you & I would not let him try to convince you you're over reacting.
With people who are alcohol dependent it's actually not so much about what or how much they drink - it's about the way they drink.

Greatoutdoors · 29/05/2022 09:08

So many variables in this it’s impossible to say. Why did he feel he had to pretend he was coming home at 11? Would you have been in a grump about him going?
Is it a one-off or does he often mislead you?
Did you go to ILs so he could go to the stag?
Is it far away from where you live?

Me, I’d have laughed at the idea he was going to be back from the stag at 11 and expected him to be out of action all weekend, then made my own plans with the kids.

dudsville · 29/05/2022 09:09

I'm not sure it's leave for the reason you're giving, that he said he's be home by 11 when out drinking with friends. He still could have had enough by then to be feeling too rough to wake and look after chosen and visit with his folks. You've potentially not been together long enough to really feel at home at his parent's house. For me, I wouldn't want to spend my Sunday at my in-laws waiting for my drunk partner to sleep off the boozy antics, but it wouldn't put me in a huff. You don't have to be angry to leave with the kids. Just a loving statement about him and you needing to get back would suffice.

WizardOfAus · 29/05/2022 09:17

Why is the word 'events' in inverted commas?
Is it code for something?

Felicity42 · 29/05/2022 09:18

I'd have gone to sleep and not been bothering texting him. It was up to his Dad to contact him or to sit up waiting in case he wanted a lift home. It was a stag do what did you think would happen in reality. But your DH seems to play along with what everyone wants but then does his own thing anyway. That's the unrealistic bit you need to tackle. That he created expectations and then won't own up to his real behavior by texting you.
For your own part you feel misled by him because going to stay at someone else's house with two small kids is a big deal and it's not easy.

Judd · 29/05/2022 09:24

girlmom21 · 29/05/2022 08:50

The same does not apply to me and he will bring kids to parents if i go away), and will be back by 12/1am or the time that he stipulated (no curfew from me unless we are due to do something the day after that could be impacted by his hangover).

Sorry he tells you what time you have to be home when you go out? Well he can fuck right off with that.

No this isn't what OP has said. You've confused what's in brackets and what isn't, which has changed the meaning of the sentence for you.

girlmom21 · 29/05/2022 09:25

@Judd sorry yeah you're right 🤦🏼‍♀️

WalkerWalking · 29/05/2022 09:26

He was ridiculous to say that he was going to be home by 11.30. But tbh you were ridiculous to believe him.

This level of annoyance suggests to me, though, that probably this is the tip of the iceberg of unfairness. If you got to go out as often as him (and you were allowed to wallow in bed til lunchtime) then you wouldn't begrudge him this so much. Also, why did he drag the whole lot of you to his parents'? I'm very happy to look after my own kids in my own house by myself. But I would hate having to supervise the kids by myself in his parents house, whilst he opted out.