Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex and his baby?

40 replies

vrrroooom · 29/05/2022 01:52

Haven’t posted in ages on here but I’ve lurked for a long time and don’t have anyone in real life I can speak to about this so thought I’d come here.

I've just found out that my ex (5 years broken up) has had a child. I’ve been in a relationship since this and I don’t hold any feelings for this man whatsoever. I don’t currently want a child in this current world and I don’t have any sort of “it should’ve been me” feelings, I'm truly happy for him and I congratulated him as I know he’ll be a great father. Here’s where I guess I need advice or to be told I'm being unreasonable I'm not sure I guess?

We stayed friends after our split and he was a big part of my life and we talk amicably often. It was my first long term relationship. When he told me today over text I don’t know why but I immediately became emotional and burst into tears? I’m so confused why and I feel like I just can’t speak to him anymore. I told him this and since then he’s accepted that, told me to take time to process my feelings and said when I’m ready I can see the baby if I want to and that he hopes I’ll be okay. Why am I feeling like this? I feel like a terrible person but I truly don’t understand my feelings at all.

Sorry if this isn’t the right place to post this I just didn’t know who to talk to about it because I just feel like nobody will understand and I’m quite embarrassed I’m affected this way about it :(

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 29/05/2022 02:01

It sounds very much like you have feelings still for this man, and saw yourself having children with him one day.
I think it's best to stop contact, for both of you. You're getting upset, and he has just had a baby which is a joyful thing, and doesn't really need to be feeling guilty or worried about you. Please don't take that the wrong way, it sounds harsher than it's meant.

theobligatorynamechange · 29/05/2022 07:18

I don’t hold any feelings for this man whatsoever.

I don’t currently want a child in this current world

I know he’ll be a great father.

By any chance, do you want to have a baby, but your personal circumstances aren't right and you don't feel like you should bring a child into the world because the world is a flaming pile of crap right now? I wonder if it's less about your ex having a baby and more about the injustice of how you don't feel like you can, even thought you know you'll be a great mother too.

I'm not saying have a baby or don't have a baby, I'm questioning whether you're fed up with the state of the world and this disillusionment/anger has found a way out.

5 years broken up

I’ve been in a relationship since this

he was a big part of my life

It was my first long term relationship.

You've dated since. But you haven't really had the same grand love affair again, have you? So your ex still represents idealistic love for you - even if you don't want him, you want that kind of love with someone again, and seeing him move on and tick all of the 'normal' milestones is going to hurt, not because you want them with him, but because you want them.

Incidentally, your ex owes you nothing. His status as your ex will always trump his status as your friend. He has a family now, and if his partner doesn't wan't you around because of your ex status, he'll dump you in a heartbeat, because his family takes priority. Maybe on some level you realise that, and that's been part of what's so upsetting, but even if you haven't seen that, you need to be less reliant on him.

Friends aren't aways permanent, but exes who are friends are even more likely to suddenly fall out of our lives. He might have been a big part of your life once, but you cannot keep him as such by talking to him often. It's not doing you any good.

MarmaladeLime · 29/05/2022 07:30

Maybe it feels like the final "he's moved on"?
Personally I think it would be healthier to stop contacting each other but that's up to you.

ThisIdiiot · 29/05/2022 07:46

I think it's time to properly move on.

He's got a family now. If he's a good guy he will have been open with his new partner about his contact with you, and the feelings you've expressed to him about him becoming a father. That will make it very difficult for his partner to accommodate his relationship with you as an ex.

There are clearly feelings above friendship and you can be in no doubt she won't allow this to continue.

aSofaNearYou · 29/05/2022 07:54

Hmm I agree it's time to move on. It seems a bit too complex and like he would be unfair to the mother of his child to be too involved with you.

Testina · 29/05/2022 07:54

I think you liked the idea that he was still your friend. Not necessarily wanting him back, but that you had some kind of “first relationship” claim on him, or even just genuinely liking the friendship.

What this event has done, is shown you that you’re not the important friend you thought you were. You think you talk amicably often, yet he got all the way to having a baby without telling you - event that usually comes with 8 months notice.

From your side, you were a long standing friend with particularly close and special history.
From his side, you’re minor friend who doesn’t warrant being told of pregnancy.
I would think that makes you feel like you’ve been dumped. Not as a romantic partner, but dumped from the type of friendship role you thought you had.

I’d send a card, then phase him out.

MarmaladeLime · 29/05/2022 08:32

That's a point. He didn't tell you for 9odd months that he was expecting? He didn't go ooh exciting news! He just announced it when the baby was here? I don't think he sees you as a close friend.

Testina · 29/05/2022 08:36

Exactly. Sounds to me like you’re upset because you’ve gone from, “friends forever, special history, special place, no one knows you like me, we’ll always be each other’s first and care about you” territory to not even regular friend level. That’s quite a brutal realisation, no wonder you’re upset!

dottiedodah · 29/05/2022 08:42

I think staying in contact will exes is never a good idea.first rl especially represent hopes and dreams. You have split up but feelings of what if persist . Maybe cut contact wish him well and move on .not a good idea to see baby really 7

AskingforaBaskin · 29/05/2022 09:20

You made the birth of his child about you?

Some things you just need to keep to yourself. I think it would be healthier for all of you just let this all go now.

clumperoo · 29/05/2022 09:20

I think you should just cut ties and move on. There's no point being friends with an ex. Be civil and friendly if you see them out ajd about bit don't keep in touch. You dont need to see the baby

Testina · 29/05/2022 10:01

of course, you feel what you feel… but it was really weird - and unfair - to dump that on him.

cottagegardenflower · 29/05/2022 10:08

You still have feelings for him. Face up to that and cut all ties. He's moved on and any further contact will just hurt you further.

DogsAndGin · 29/05/2022 10:19

You need to move on OP. This isn’t a normal
reaction. Cut all ties and leave him be. I personally wouldn’t be very happy as his new partner that he had to spend precious family time counselling his ex. Think of what is fair for his family.

Original poster
vrrroooom · 29/05/2022 13:21

That’s the thing and why I’m so confused! I do want a child just not right now because I’m still relatively young. I don’t think it has anything to do with romantic feelings lingering though as I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years and love my current partner who I do see myself having a child with dearly?

OP posts:
Original poster
vrrroooom · 29/05/2022 13:26

This is important actually as it was me who pushed for him to make her aware of our contact which he instigated. I can’t stress enough I told him that if he didn’t I’d tell her myself despite absolutely nothing romantic happening and she is aware that we speak/spoke when we do.
After we split we went no contact for around 2 years and it was him who reached back out to me and that’s how we came to speak again. I don’t think I view him as some sort of ‘special’ friend since I’ve got plenty other friends of both genres I speak to within the same dynamic. Maybe it’s just shock I truly don’t understand

OP posts:
Original poster
vrrroooom · 29/05/2022 13:29

Thing is even though we have history I wouldn’t really consider us to be ‘best friends’ or anything more regular than a friend. We barely see each other (I’m talking less than 3 times a year, lives in a completely different area etc) and communicate mostly over text so it’s just strange I felt emotional since it’s not even like it’s being thrown in my face or anything

OP posts:
Original poster
vrrroooom · 29/05/2022 13:30

clumperoo · 29/05/2022 09:20

I think you should just cut ties and move on. There's no point being friends with an ex. Be civil and friendly if you see them out ajd about bit don't keep in touch. You dont need to see the baby

Yeah I said in my message I can’t speak to you anymore, apologised and I don’t plan to speak to him again. When he said I could see the baby when I felt ready I jus decided I don’t want to but it would probably have felt too rude to say that so I just left it

OP posts:
HugoTheBoss · 29/05/2022 13:31

Testina · 29/05/2022 10:01

of course, you feel what you feel… but it was really weird - and unfair - to dump that on him.

I agree. Why did you tell him? It makes it seem like you still have feelings for him (which I'm not convinced you don't).

If my husband had told his ex that he'd burst into tears when he found out she'd had a baby I would be really annoyed. It comes across like 1. You still have feelings and 2. You want him to know you still have feelings.

Of course you can still have feelings on it, that's uncontrollable but I don't think you should have told him. That's unfair on him, the mother of his child, and your partner imo.

Testina · 29/05/2022 13:31

So how do you square “big part of my life and we talk amicably often” with someone who doesn’t bother to tell you they’re have a baby?

And you didn’t stay friends after the split as you said - you were no contact for two years!

I still think that you just see yourself as more important in his life (historically and now) than you actually are. Hence having to “push” him and insist that his girlfriend knows he’s friends with you. Sort of honourable, but also sort of patronising and not your business to push. That’s you putting yourself in the position of “special” again. And, again - apologies for being brutal - you’re not, if he didn’t even tell you they were expecting a baby.

Original poster
vrrroooom · 29/05/2022 13:31

theobligatorynamechange · 29/05/2022 07:18

I don’t hold any feelings for this man whatsoever.

I don’t currently want a child in this current world

I know he’ll be a great father.

By any chance, do you want to have a baby, but your personal circumstances aren't right and you don't feel like you should bring a child into the world because the world is a flaming pile of crap right now? I wonder if it's less about your ex having a baby and more about the injustice of how you don't feel like you can, even thought you know you'll be a great mother too.

I'm not saying have a baby or don't have a baby, I'm questioning whether you're fed up with the state of the world and this disillusionment/anger has found a way out.

5 years broken up

I’ve been in a relationship since this

he was a big part of my life

It was my first long term relationship.

You've dated since. But you haven't really had the same grand love affair again, have you? So your ex still represents idealistic love for you - even if you don't want him, you want that kind of love with someone again, and seeing him move on and tick all of the 'normal' milestones is going to hurt, not because you want them with him, but because you want them.

Incidentally, your ex owes you nothing. His status as your ex will always trump his status as your friend. He has a family now, and if his partner doesn't wan't you around because of your ex status, he'll dump you in a heartbeat, because his family takes priority. Maybe on some level you realise that, and that's been part of what's so upsetting, but even if you haven't seen that, you need to be less reliant on him.

Friends aren't aways permanent, but exes who are friends are even more likely to suddenly fall out of our lives. He might have been a big part of your life once, but you cannot keep him as such by talking to him often. It's not doing you any good.

That’s the thing and why I’m so confused! I do want a child just not right now because I’m still relatively young. I don’t think it has anything to do with romantic feelings lingering though as I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years and love my current partner who I do see myself having a child with dearly?

OP posts:
Original poster
vrrroooom · 29/05/2022 13:34

Testina · 29/05/2022 13:31

So how do you square “big part of my life and we talk amicably often” with someone who doesn’t bother to tell you they’re have a baby?

And you didn’t stay friends after the split as you said - you were no contact for two years!

I still think that you just see yourself as more important in his life (historically and now) than you actually are. Hence having to “push” him and insist that his girlfriend knows he’s friends with you. Sort of honourable, but also sort of patronising and not your business to push. That’s you putting yourself in the position of “special” again. And, again - apologies for being brutal - you’re not, if he didn’t even tell you they were expecting a baby.

I don’t think it’s honourable I think it’s normal. I wouldn’t want my partner talking to his ex without me knowing and his reluctance to tell her annoyed me so I don’t think I’m unreasonable to push for that, even moreso now they have a child?

OP posts:
Aprilx · 29/05/2022 13:39

vrrroooom · 29/05/2022 13:26

This is important actually as it was me who pushed for him to make her aware of our contact which he instigated. I can’t stress enough I told him that if he didn’t I’d tell her myself despite absolutely nothing romantic happening and she is aware that we speak/spoke when we do.
After we split we went no contact for around 2 years and it was him who reached back out to me and that’s how we came to speak again. I don’t think I view him as some sort of ‘special’ friend since I’ve got plenty other friends of both genres I speak to within the same dynamic. Maybe it’s just shock I truly don’t understand

I have an ex that broke my heart, went on to have a family and I found I could not (I am now 52 so never will). But I have never felt remotely upset that he has a family because I was over him by the time I heard. So I immediately thought you cannot be over this man, your update makes me think this even more.

I find it strange that you seemed to want to force him to tell her off this innocent friendship, I think maybe you want it to be something that it isn’t. Your response to his news was also out of place.

For your own well-being, you need to cut him loose properly and move on.

Testina · 29/05/2022 13:39

Some bloke you haven’t spoken to for 2 years after a split comes sniffing around and is reluctant to tell his girlfriend (no shit!) that he’s doing so. Why did you bother with him?

No, it’s not “normal” for the person in your role to push the person in his into reluctantly telling his girlfriend. Normal is to walk away from that shit show.

So how do you know if he ever did tell her? Did he? Because you say it’s even more important now they have a child.

Are you not hurt that this guy didn’t tell you about the pregnancy?

Sounds like he was keeping it quiet for a reason 🤷🏻‍♀️ (Refer you back to my comment about sniffing around)

Testina · 29/05/2022 14:02

He’s really an arsehole though, isn’t he?


  • comes sniffing back round you when he has a girlfriend

  • won’t tell his girlfriend about that (like I said - reluctant to? No shit 🙄)

  • handily doesn’t mention he’s having a baby

  • and then tells you basically you can meet the baby when you’ve calmed down? Hmmm. Do you think his girlfriend would like you round him and her child, given your reaction AND your decision to tell him about it. I’d be telling the pair of you to keep your little games away from me and my baby