Ex and his baby?

[vrrroooom]

Haven’t posted in ages on here but I’ve lurked for a long time and don’t have anyone in real life I can speak to about this so thought I’d come here.

I've just found out that my ex (5 years broken up) has had a child. I’ve been in a relationship since this and I don’t hold any feelings for this man whatsoever. I don’t currently want a child in this current world and I don’t have any sort of “it should’ve been me” feelings, I'm truly happy for him and I congratulated him as I know he’ll be a great father. Here’s where I guess I need advice or to be told I'm being unreasonable I'm not sure I guess?

We stayed friends after our split and he was a big part of my life and we talk amicably often. It was my first long term relationship. When he told me today over text I don’t know why but I immediately became emotional and burst into tears? I’m so confused why and I feel like I just can’t speak to him anymore. I told him this and since then he’s accepted that, told me to take time to process my feelings and said when I’m ready I can see the baby if I want to and that he hopes I’ll be okay. Why am I feeling like this? I feel like a terrible person but I truly don’t understand my feelings at all.

Sorry if this isn’t the right place to post this I just didn’t know who to talk to about it because I just feel like nobody will understand and I’m quite embarrassed I’m affected this way about it :(

After we split we went no contact for around 2 years and it was him who reached back out to me and that’s how we came to speak again.

You didn't have to re connect though just because he wanted to or continue it when you knew he had a gfriend.

I cannot express enough how much I don’t want to be around him or the child. I was prepared to be told I was being unreasonable because I said in my opening post I was and I posted this so I could try understand why I was feeling the way I am, not to be told off for it because ultimately I know my reaction is disproportionate. There’s no games whatsoever as I’ve said before I’m in a happy relationship and despite the fact he said to me I can see the baby when I want/feel ready I have no desire to see his baby which he’s had with somebody else. I don’t want this painted as some sort of ill will towards the child because that’s not what it is whatsoever hence why I told him I can’t speak to him anymore.

When we initially reconnected I wasn’t aware he was in a relationship and when I found out he was I made sure he told her we were communicating. Admittedly it’s my fault for continuing casual conversation which I accept. I probably won’t respond to anything more on this thread as I feel slightly like I’m being bullied for something I already admitted to being unreasonable for. I was just looking for advice/clarity on the situation.

The thing is it's unlikely that anyone can tell you why you feel like you do.

Some of it does read as if you were happy to just take any crumbs he gave you.

If you're not going to have anything to do with him anymore then none of it matters really.

Don't waste headspace on him!

”I don’t want this painted as some sort of ill will towards the child because that’s not what it is whatsoever hence why I told him I can’t speak to him anymore.”

That’s a really odd thing to say. Literally nothing on this thread, no-one, has suggested you have ill will towards the child!

“When we initially reconnected I wasn’t aware he was in a relationship and when I found out”

Definitely sniffing around then.

This was in response to the poster who said if they were the mother they wouldn’t want me/‘my games’ around the baby. I was just confirming that there are no ‘games’ and I don’t want anything to do with him or the child. Sorry if this was misconstrued.

I still think it's harsh that you have made the birth of his child about you.
If you no longer want to be around him, you just say congratulations and ignore him
And move on.
Not tell him you can't speak with him anymore and that's the reason why, that's completely unnecessary and absolutely makes it look like you're playing games.

Right. That poster was me. So I can confirm that poster said nothing about you wishing the child ill will - not anything that could be misconstrued.

As the mother of this child, I would think, “what the fuck is this woman playing at* telling my partner that she’s upset and can’t see him because he’s had a baby”

*playing at = the games

You may not know what game you were playing, but you were trying to do something. Otherwise you’d have said, “oh that’s lovely - congratulations” - then phased him out. I would very much wonder, as the mother, why you decided to share your histrionics with him.

I can’t understand what you’re implying though? I said in my initial post I congratulated him when he told me and then said I don’t want to associate with him anymore since he has a child with someone else as it’s not appropriate!

I didn’t decide to share histrionics with him, he told me, out of the complete blue, completely off topic that he had a child and I became emotional for whatever reason I don’t know and promptly told him I think that now I know this it’s for the best we don’t speak anymore. He didn’t know I cried, didn't see me, didn’t comfort me, all I did was tell him wow I’m shocked, I think it’s best we don’t communicate anymore then. I feel like you’re implying he had to soothe me like some spoilt brat when it was a single text exchange. As I said I’m probably not going to answer anymore as I’ve explained the interaction multiple times now

Is it that "end of an era" feeling? He was a big part of your life for a long time. But having a baby has put him on a new life path, one that you're not on yet.

I’m not trying to imply anything, I am trying to be straightforward in just saying what I think.

In your OP you said this:

“I’m so confused why and I feel like I just can’t speak to him anymore. I told him this and since then he’s accepted that, told me to take time to process my feelings and said when I’m ready I can see the baby if I want to and that he hopes I’ll be okay.”

All this telling you to process feelings and hoping you’re OK and waiting until you’re ready… that sounds like my initial reading of the situation: that there were histrionics. Even if via text.

But now you say that you simply said it wasn’t appropriate to stay in touch now he has a child? Why would that prompt any of the stuff about hoping you’re OK and you needing to be ready? Doesn’t make sense.

Why we’re you OK with being friends before the baby, if not now? Either it was an appropriate relationship between the two of you, or it wasn’t.

You know it wasn’t - hence the emotional outburst now.

I think it's more that saying "I think it's best we don't communicate anymore" is inherently an odd response to this news from someone you supposedly have a platonic friendship with. It instantly implies you have feelings for him.

I can’t understand what you’re implying though? I said I don’t want to associate with him anymore since he has a child with someone else as it’s not appropriate! *
*
But it was 'appropriate' before he had a kid, and you had a purely platonic friendship? A true platonic friendship you described would not succumb, if one party had a child and suddenly things because 'inappropriate'.

OP I'm glad you're moving on. And cutting contact

Have you told your partner about all of this? That your ex has become a dad? How hard you’ve found it and that you’ve told the ex you’re no longer staying in touch? I’m sure you have given how you wanted your ex to be open with his wife, so what’s his take?