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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teenage behaviour or not

48 replies

Piratesue · 28/05/2022 23:28

I am not sure if this is just normal 13 behaviour but I dont think it can be

At school he is fine, no issues at all. He says a lad is picking on him but I dont think it's anything too extreme. However his behaviour at home over the past month has just got out of control. He tantrums at everything, and anything it's like a red mist has descended over him, he throws things hurts his younger brother and screams horrible things at me.
He has taken to hiding himself on a wardrobe as well, and I have to sit in front of his bedroom door to stop him getting out as he would just trash the house.
I have started the ball rolling for counselling and he has had blood tests but they were all clear
Then he just flips and becomes so clingy , and almost gaslights me asking what wrong and acting like nothing has happened.
I'm currently 3 hours into a meltdown, we are supposed to be going on holiday tomorrow and I am dreading it
AIBU or is this just teenagers ? And how do I deal with it.

OP posts:

justasking111 · 28/05/2022 23:30

Jakers raised Three sons, this is not normal. I'm glad you're getting help

FlissyPaps · 28/05/2022 23:32

He says a lad is picking on him but I dont think it's anything too extreme

It could be extreme though OP. Have you asked your son what this boy is saying/doing to him?
You can’t brush “being picked on” under the carpet I’m afraid. Bullying can be horrific.

PAFMO · 28/05/2022 23:33

Of course it isn't normal.
See the school about the bullying and find out if the extreme behavioural issues need a diagnosis.

Original poster

Piratesue · 29/05/2022 00:10

From what he says it's just some picking on and leaving him out of groups. He has a lot of friends whose parents I know and I think I would hear if it was that bad. I am not down playing the school issue, but hes had a few days off and is now off for a week so he cant be anxious about going to school.

OP posts:

BreadAndWater · 29/05/2022 00:16

His had afew days off and is now off for a week, so he cant be anxious about school….
You wasnt bullied was you OP?

Im sorry to say, ‘you are down playing it’
and you clearly dont understand the true effects of bullying

FlissyPaps · 29/05/2022 00:17

But being picked on and being left out can feel like the worst feeling in the world to some children. Not every child tells their parents what happens in school. So sadly, if it was bad, you wouldn’t hear anything from the other parents.

His behaviour at home is 100% not normal and needs investigating by a professional. Hopefully it isn’t a long wait for counselling.

But please don’t assume he isn’t anxious about returning to school. It’s really upsetting to hear a child is being picked on and left out but because they’ve been off a few days they shouldn’t be anxious.

EndersGame · 29/05/2022 02:08

I have raised three children and now onto grandchildren. They all go moody and to some degree will challenge as much as possible, but what you have is far beyond this. Whilst it could be a reaction to bullying Id also be looking at any form or substance misuse.

Original poster

Piratesue · 29/05/2022 07:26

Thank you for your messages, I did reach out to the school before he spoke to him but I have emailed again this week I am just waiting for a response.
I am not downplaying what may be happening at school, he has woken up angry again because I wouldn't get up at 620 to give him his phone back immediately...and I cant see how that would link to school. But I totally take on board the comments and will push when we get back.
In the meantime anyone has any tips? I'm dreading our holiday

OP posts:

SuperSleepyBaby · 29/05/2022 07:39

I remember when I was 12 - there was a girl being mean to me in the class. I spent the whole summer holidays crying every night alone in my room, worried about going back to school. I never said it to anyone.

supersizeforaquid · 29/05/2022 07:42

it’s not normal behaviour, clearly something is upsetting him

i hope you haven’t brushed off him being bullied when he’s spoken to you

SuperSleepyBaby · 29/05/2022 07:44

My son has autism and has had issues with behaviour at times. I know this is a different situation to you. What works with him is a positive approach. He works towards a reward - so if his behaviour is pretty good he will get it after a week or so.

Could you bring your son for a walk or a drive and maybe he might open up about what is troubling him if you give him an opening?

i would contact the school and ask the teacher to keep an eye on it too.

hellswelshy · 29/05/2022 07:45

The anger could be linked to his hormones but seems very extreme to be just that, so I'd probably agree it could be school affecting him. His anger directed at you and his siblings could be frustration and venting that he's suppressing in school. However he needs to realise this is not acceptable behaviour towards you and his family obviously. Can you or his dad talk to him when he's calm and really talk to him about the outbursts? Trying to understand and empathise with how he's feeling BUT explaining his tantrums won't be accepted going forward and any consequences. I have 2 dd's who are a similar age and who have also had a hard year in school for similar reasons, it's hard to deal with as they need support and sympathy but also I've had to bear alot of awful behaviour directed at me and dh. Try to talk & reassure you are on his side but also establish behaviour boundaries. Good luck, I know it's hard.

2reefsin30knots · 29/05/2022 07:47

Did you check through everything on his phone while you had it?

LuaDipa · 29/05/2022 07:48

Your ds has told you exactly what the issue is and you are completely downplaying it. He’s lashing out at home because he’s upset at school and can’t say anything there. Rather than locking him in his room give him a massive cuddle and tell him you love him and you’re there for him. He feels all alone and I can see why. Poor kid.

Lex345 · 29/05/2022 07:50

The phone. How much access do you have to his phone? Waking up at 620am demanding the phone would set alarm bells off for me.

Bullying is very often on social media now and some platforms are so incredibly toxic. I think you need to start here and really have a very thorough look through the phone.

OxanaVorontsova · 29/05/2022 07:52

He wants the phone because he needs to know what he’s missed. He’s clearly upset and stressed and needs your support.

MountainClimber22 · 29/05/2022 07:54

I was like this from about 14-16 my hormones were extreme but then I calmed down. Probably something to do with the fact he's told you he's being bullied. He's likely confused/scared/angry and it's coming out at home. Do something about the bullying.

MountainClimber22 · 29/05/2022 07:55

I was being bullied too btw.

Riverlee · 29/05/2022 07:55

Just a thought, has he started taking any drugs or weed that could have affected his moods?

Also wondering whether the bullying his affecting more than you (or him) realises.

Porcupineintherough · 29/05/2022 07:58

Could be a number of things and I'm sure hormones aren't helping. Have you looked through his phone? Any sign of cyber-bullying?

Original poster

Piratesue · 29/05/2022 08:06

I have asked the school before, and on Monday gave them a name which I am going to follow up on.
I check his phone and chat groups very often. Hes a young 13, no tik tok or snap chat or any social media, just a few groups with friends. Def no substance abuse.
I frequently talk to him, read through how to be a teenage book and go over his behaviour and agree boundaries. Which he totally ignores when he goes into meltdown.
I spoke to the school a few weeks ago, and after more weeks we finally got a confirmation and a name of the boy who is picking on him. With his agreement I actioned this straight away and emailed his teacher. He then went off school for 3 days ill so it hasnt been followed up yet
.

OP posts:

Philisophigal · 29/05/2022 08:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Beans456 · 29/05/2022 08:14

So lets breakdown your post,

"He says a lad is picking on him but I dont think it's anything too extreme."

He's basically said to you "I'm being bullied"
Its already been said and you defended your position okay, but weather you like it or not it sounds like you down playing it. (but okay, already touched on this.)

"becomes so clingy"

He's saying: help ,I don't know how to process these emotions I'm 13 years old and I'm going through puberty!!!

"he has had blood tests"

Why are looking for answers outside of what he's already told you (I'm being bullied.) do you think that was easy for him to say?

"almost gaslights me"

Then you say this?
Your 13 year old child.
Your almost assigning sociopathic, narcissistic traits to your child?

Can I ask is Dad in the picture? and if so what does he make of this?

girlsyearapart · 29/05/2022 08:17

I am going through very similar with my dd2 who is 13.
Also going on holiday tomorrow and am dreading it.
The childrens mental health services are overwhelmed atm.
You have my sympathy op. It’s so hard

Original poster

Piratesue · 29/05/2022 08:31

The blood tests were before he disclosed the bullying, I wondered if it was linked to sugar levels as sometimes it is when he hasnt eaten.
The gaslighting, it's like he will switch half way through and start asking me how my day is, or what's wrong? I feel.like I am going mad as he will taunt me as if it's all my fault. Sorry if that isnt the right expression.
Dad in the picture totally, and really tries but has less tolerance than me, we tend to tag team so we dont lose it completely.

OP posts:

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