Teenage behaviour or not

[Piratesue]

I am not sure if this is just normal 13 behaviour but I dont think it can be

At school he is fine, no issues at all. He says a lad is picking on him but I dont think it's anything too extreme. However his behaviour at home over the past month has just got out of control. He tantrums at everything, and anything it's like a red mist has descended over him, he throws things hurts his younger brother and screams horrible things at me.
He has taken to hiding himself on a wardrobe as well, and I have to sit in front of his bedroom door to stop him getting out as he would just trash the house.
I have started the ball rolling for counselling and he has had blood tests but they were all clear
Then he just flips and becomes so clingy , and almost gaslights me asking what wrong and acting like nothing has happened.
I'm currently 3 hours into a meltdown, we are supposed to be going on holiday tomorrow and I am dreading it
AIBU or is this just teenagers ? And how do I deal with it.

Sorry you’re all going through such a tough time. Being picked on and left out of groups can make someone feel quite worthless and depressed. He may mask all this at school, which is exhausting so let’s rip at home. Depression isn’t always a sad, tearful child either. Quite often it’s an angry destructive one. You say he’s going from angry to clingy, which does suggest he’s having difficulties regulating his emotions. When is he due to see a counsellor? In the meantime try an approach that is less parenting and more partnering - it’s not easy I know. We automatically assume a parent / authoritative role. When he’s starts acting up, calmly ask what’s going on. Try not to argue back. It’s not easy but could really help you both understand his feelings.

This is absolutely not normal behaviour. At this age he needs more reassurance than ever.

I am sure that you are (asking for help is a great step) but be mindful of your words and signals. Plan to do things together, such as cook or have a day out. Take an interest in his interests. Make sure that the positives outweigh the negatives. Put your phone away and be present.

And get him some help, he sounds like he really needs someone to talk to.

Quick advice for now. Behaviour always has meaning in context. Boys tend to externalise their distress.

For now, download ‘how to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk’ if you can to read on holiday. It’s a quick easy read - might be nothing new but might reaffirm things for you.

Take the holiday to really re-learn him. Really connect. No judgments. Just connect. Really listen. Take off your guiding hat for a while.

We feel exclusion really acutely as adolescents. We process it in a different part of the brain. My guess is he is holding it together at school and then it’s all coming out at home - if all else is fine at home. Don’t underestimate the impact of the bullying. It might seem minimal but could be having an enormous effect because of his age.

I did type a longer post but lost it. I’ll try and post more later.

Your first immediate goal, I think, is to use the break get know him (as his now - they develop and change so quickly we can fall behind sometimes) and his experience - his thoughts and feelings about it - as best you can - without judgement. Just listen without trying to influence at this stage. Take your guiding hat off for a bit and just listen. You will then be in a much better position to decide what to do at the very least.

And try and take some time to recharge your batteries too. It’s exhausting trying to stay calm when all around are loosing their cool. You’ll need to be in the best shape possible emotionally to support him and steer him through the storms ahead.

Good luck.

I know you might feel worried by this suggestion but it comes from a place of expertise. If you call and speak to a duty Social Worker you could try and get some help that way. Your local authority will have support for families that isn’t at ‘child in need’ or ‘child protection’ level who work with families where there is conflict. I’ve known lots of families in similar positions really benefit. They will get to understand you as a whole family and can advise re school. It can be confidential if there are no safeguarding concerns. I know it is a scary thought to open up your family life like that but it can really help.

It may not be typical but happens a lot from what I hear. My son was like this but he had a bereavement to deal with, although I know he’s like this anyway a little before the bereavement. My best advice is when he’s having a meltdown step back. Don’t pander to him, make sure he’s safe and then ignore it as much as you can.

@Piratesue he needs someone (not his parents) to talk to, not blood tests. The bullying is obviously affecting him more than he is letting on. However, hurting his siblings is NOT acceptable. It doesn’t matter how much he is hurting, he shouldn’t hurt others. Speak to the designated safeguarding lead/pastoral staff at his school.

My son went through this. It was anxiety and a response to fear. We just loved him through it, worked on communication with him and he’s fine again now, like a different child x

Ok,

I get emotional when I haven't had my coffee, so I can understand that.

I had a tantrum once when I was 13 in front of my parents on there bed room floor, my parents completely ignored me. then I got up a done something else was really strange. like a little bit of regression.

best of luck, hopefully its partly a phase.

Thank you all so much for your messages, any tips on how to get through it?
Ignoring it is hard, he rages through the house so keeping him in one room is safer. I sit with my back against the door.
He wont accept a hug mid rage
And what about punishment? His younger brother is watching him get away with all this but it seems unfair to punish him when he just doesn't know what hes doing

I have some experience with similar behaviour which has now resolved.

Can you explain what happens? What leads to these explosions? What is said/done?

Can you walk us through an episode from potential triggers to how you deal with his meltdowns and what he/you say?

Sometimes just a small tweak in how things are handled can make a difference

OP, your son has told you what the problem is - he is being bullied.
How on earth can you dismiss it as nothing serious?
What are you going to do about it!?

Some great supportive comments thank you. In regards to what sets him off, can be anything. Last night he got bored watching football and wanted his phone, at 9.30 we said no, he then just asks ive and over again then stomps arou d knocking things over.
We get him into his room and he throws all his clothes at me, then screaming leave me alone.
I leave the room, he comes charging back out so repeat this process for an hour. Then goes in the wardrobe.
I dont reasons with him or try to engage. We have spoken this morning, he said he doesn't think the school issue is causing this but cant tell me what is. He did say he is trying to get a reaction from us when he gets in our faces.

Is there a no phone after 9pm rule? Did he know this in advance. What helped my daughter massively was not having things put on her unexpectedly. So we would say in advance no phones after 9, that's all there is to it.

When you say you finally get him in his room, I would say, you need to have lights out at 10.30, it's up to you if you go up now and read, or go up at 10.30 and go straight to sleep. If he refuses to go up at 10.30 then calmly explain if he refuses to do what he's supposed to then for every minute he stays down, that's the time he will have to go without his phone the next day, if he chooses to stay up till midnight, carry out the threat and keep his phone an hour and a half the next day. It won't harm him staying up a couple of times but he will soon realise that he's the one losing out if he doesn't do what he is supposed to

Following my daughter was the worst thing for us, I had to let her blow off steam and following her to her room just made things 100x worse

Don't punish. (Unless he is going to harm himself or others, then action needs to be taken).

Explain, explain, explain and then explain again.
Be consistent. Love him no matter what.

He is lashing out and pushing boundaries. Any negative reaction reinforces his internal narrative that he is worthless, thanks to bullies.

It won't be like this forever. But he needs to be accepted and loved by you, no matter what

I think this is anxious plus angry. When it's anxiety coursing through the body, it is very unpleasant and can't just be flushed away and dealt with at will or in a convenient timescale (personal experience). I've started to think that the physical reaction is a very close cousin of excitement; so something that means a change and should be generating excitement (the holiday) is flicking the switch of an anxious reaction too. Too much brain work or masking means no 'equal and opposite' action to be able to help.

I remember one parent getting a supply of cheap vests for one of my friends, so that he could put one on to rip apart when he was really angry. Some time invested in physical processing to use energy, even/especially when you don't feel flooded, can have good effects even if it feels like the last thing you would choose to do.

Mental health is not a get out of jail card. He still needs to be punished for hurting his siblings and parents. Confiscate things from him. However, go back to the safeguarding lead at his school so they can investigate the bullying.

"It can be confidential if there are no safeguarding concerns."

There's massive safe guarding concerns. He's hurting his younger brother and his behaviour is classed as abuse. The younger sibling is living with domestic abuse as many younger children do because of a teen sibling. He's throwing his weight around to get what he wants and escalates to throwing things at his Mother. He might need help but he also needs boundaries. It's coming to the point were the police get phoned, he can't be allowed to smash up the home. Sometimes police involvement will get you into services quicker. I've had to do it with one of mine. OP have you looked up anger management for teen boys? He can't keep using the excuse that he has no control. What does his Dad want to do differently? He wants his own way and soon he will be able to do serious damage to you and his younger sibling. It can't get to that point.

How did the holiday go op?

@girlsyearapart we are still here, and there has been a few.smaller meltdowns but yesterday was a bad one. We were walking round a castle, and instead of just sitting in the shade with his phone like I suggested. He followed us around, pushing and getting in our faces, knocking his brothers hat off constantly. I just tried to ignore him but he did not stop saying the same thing over and over. He kept saying he wasthirsty, then just chucking the water away.
It lasted a long time, when we spoke later he said he didnt know why he was acting that way, he did manage to stop one later in the day I saw it coming and managed to distract him but that doesn't happen often.

I really thought it would be different on holiday, feel a bit stupid now.

This OP. It sounds like it isn't physical so you feel 'it's not that bad'. My bullying wasn't physical, I still can't discuss it without getting tears in my eyes 25 years later and I was suicidal at the time. Literally my darkest days. Please take it more seriously

I agree with this.

He has turned into a house terrorist OP.
His behaviour is appalling.
Getting into your face, throwing things at you, hurting your son, thrashing your home?

I think calling the police is a shock he needs and may get you all help quicker.

Of course follow up with the bullying in school, urgently.

But his behaviour is simply not acceptable.

He needs it made very clear that his behaviour will not be tolerated.

What will he be like at 16 if the thinks he can get away with this.

So sorry OP, it sounds dreadful.

I just wanted to update you, as there was some really helpful suggestions. We had our first therapy session on Sunday. He will start them properly in 2 weeks, so hopefully we can start to get to the bottom of things.
I have heard nothing from the school, which is shocking but I escalated it to the head yesterday. However the boy in question had been moved away from him and is not engaging with him at all so i assume something has been done. He is ok about this but it hasnt stopped the meltdowns unfortunately.

She gave me some tips in the meantime so I think we are just going to get through the next few weeks.