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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was my 'D'M being spiteful?

27 replies

NeurodiverseFamily · 28/05/2022 13:43

I don't have a good relationship with my DM, she has been quite frankly awful to me over the years dispite me trying so hard to have a meaningfu relationship with her, however I did feel that she cared about my DC until recently.

It was my DD's birthday in April and dispite living 20 minutes up the road she didn't bother to drop a card in or even call to wish her a HPB.

She then blanked us for weeks and wouldn't take my calls. When I finally got her on the phone she acted as though it never happened. I picked her up on her lack of acknowledging DD's birthday and said i was disappointed about it, she said she hadn't forgot and she's going to give her a gift voucher that she has for a particular shop. It was never about a present btw but the principle.

Back to blanking us again.

By this point I had reached acceptance that she's never going to be the mother/grandparent I'd hoped she would and decided to cut my losses and stop reaching out to her.

Fast forward to this afternoon I get a call from my aunt who was with my DM she says:

"Hello! How are you? Hope the kids are well. Your mum is fine. Do you know if there's a (shop she has the voucher for) in town as she wants to go and spend a voucher she's got on some new clothes for herself"

I said yes there was but I don't understand why you're telling me because that voucher was supposed to be for DD..

Aunt says "oh, yes, well she's moved on from that now.."

I just put the phone down.

I'm so angry.

What the fuck was the point in that? Was she just trying to upset me?

OP posts:
Amipreg1 · 28/05/2022 13:46

Very strange behaviour from both your mum and aunt. I would be going very low contact if I was your position.

Motnight · 28/05/2022 13:46

Br wary of your mother's flying monkeys as well as your mother herself, Op. Protect you and your family from them.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 28/05/2022 13:48

Yep. For whatever reason your aunt found it more reasonable, amusing, interesting, to tell you that than to even try to excuse your mum's behaviour.

So, that's the family dynamic, isn't it? Your DM is tolerated, supported in all her oddness.

You can change that. I doubt you'd miss either your aunt or DM all that much.

So sod them. Leave them to their selfish oddness.

Notodaynotever · 28/05/2022 13:49

Very manipulative. They sound toxic and best avoided.

CalmerCalmerChameleon · 28/05/2022 13:50

They sound really odd. UANBU.

BracedlnEndIessJanuary · 28/05/2022 13:50

Yep. Aunt as flying monkey, cut from the same cloth. Toxic message. Ignore and cut off aunt as well - if she cared about you then there is no way she would have made that call.

Original poster
NeurodiverseFamily · 28/05/2022 13:51

It feels like such a kick in the teeth, for no reason whatsoever. I haven't spoken to her in weeks and weeks, I no intention to either.

I'm just at home minding my own business and thats the call I get. Bloody heartless.

OP posts:
Glitterspy · 28/05/2022 13:51

This is the first AIBU I’ve been on in a while that’s 100%!! (Sorry if I’ve spoiled the fun by revealing)

Mums eh. I am a sufferer too. I am still trying to figure out how not to spend the rest of my life wishing she was a different, better Mum or Grandma. 💐 to you OP

JackieQueen · 28/05/2022 13:53

What a spiteful pair! I don't think I would bother with them again. I wouldn't want to be involved in their stupid mind games!

Ohdofuckofdear · 28/05/2022 13:53

Block they're numbers and block them on any social media.

I know it's horrible to have to do but it sounds like you've given your mother more than enough of your time.

I went through the same with a brother of mine and he's nearly old enough to be my Father, I cut him and his partner off and his adult children after they did something unforgivable,it's been well over 10 years now and it was the best decision I've ever made for myself and my family.

Good Luck OP 💐

BracedlnEndIessJanuary · 28/05/2022 13:55

It feels like such a kick in the teeth
And was designed to. Your Mum will have been slagging you off to her sister for not having called, hence the passive aggressive Your Mum is fine. Then has gone along with asking about shop to stick the boot in.
You need caller ID on your phones and/or block them, seriously.

billy1966 · 28/05/2022 13:55

Yes.

Don't answer the phone to either of them again.

People like that add nothing to your life.

Original poster
NeurodiverseFamily · 28/05/2022 13:58

I've blocked both of their numbers, not that I expect my mother would bother calling me anyway. It was always one sided with me reaching out to her, unless she wanted something.

I had to sit on my hands, so to speak, to stop myself following up with a text to say how horrible their behaviour is.

It's so validating to see the poll and replies. I didn't want people to think I was just being grabby. DD doesn't need anything from any of them she gets everything she needs and more from me and DH, but just wow.

OP posts:
Pickabearanybear · 28/05/2022 14:10

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster
NeurodiverseFamily · 28/05/2022 14:24

No family functions to worry about thankfully, they are the only family I have/had.

I can't wrap my head around the cruelty of it. Completely out of nowhere.

OP posts:
5thHelena · 28/05/2022 14:26

I'm so sorry. This sounds both horrible and spiteful. I'd cut them both loose ..

JennyAct3 · 28/05/2022 14:28

Well done for blocking their numbers. Unfortunately some people have awful family, not your fault. You don’t want them anywhere near your DD. Try not to give them any headspace. Time to focus on the people in your life who treat you well.

mum61 · 28/05/2022 15:04

@NeurodiverseFamily When you aunt said "well shes moved on from that now"
Why didn't you ask what does that mean,? how do you move on from saying you are giving your grandchild a voucher for their birthday to im spending it on myself now?
What is your DM s problem with you ?

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 28/05/2022 15:07

Hanging up and blocking was the absolutely right thing to do.

they’re looking for a response and a lack of response is the best medicine.
just be wary in the future and I agree low or no contact.

don’t look for reasons why she is this way. It just is what it is, probably a result of her own need or childhood . It won’t change.

Original poster
NeurodiverseFamily · 28/05/2022 15:09

Thanks all, much appreciated.

❤ to anybody else with wankers as relatives.

@mum61 The reason I didn't continue to get into it with her is because experience has taught me that its a waste of time as nothing sinks in and it just ends up with me being more upset. She/mum can be completely in the wrong, totally out of line, and she won't hear of it. The things she has defended my mum for are appalling. Her saying "she's moved on from that now" is a perfectly acceptable response in her eyes. She shuts down any attempt to hold either of them accountable for anything.

I would love to know what my DM's problem with me is, she has been trying to get shot of me since the day the child benefit stopped. Seriously. She has no interest in being a parent.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 28/05/2022 16:18

I think you need to accept that's the way both of them are, you'll never change them. And be grateful you now see them for who they are. Well done for blocking, don't forget social media too

rnsaslkih · 28/05/2022 16:25

What a pair of childish bitches they sound.

I suggest you go LC/NC.

It was clearly very deliberate - obviously either of them could have googled for the shop.

Original poster
NeurodiverseFamily · 28/05/2022 16:33

I'd already made the decision to go more or less NC with my mum, easily achieved because she doesn't call me so I just stopped calling her.

My aunt I've been relatively low contact with for years anysay, I very rarely see her (seen her once since covid came about) so that's also not going to be difficult.

It just stings.

I've been thinking back to the call and there's no way she didn't know whether that shop was in town, she has lived here 40 years. What a cow.

OP posts:
Bounceyboing · 28/05/2022 16:39

Pop yourself over to the stately homes thread on the relationships board lovely. You’ll get a lot of understanding and empathy there to help with the hurt🙏

saraclara · 28/05/2022 16:53

Your DD is better off not having that grandparent in her life.

And that's the first time I've ever posted anything like that. I'm a grandmother and I generally try to support people to empathise with what might seem tricky behavior from a GP. But there's no hope here, and your DD will only be damaged by her.