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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overprotective over deep water or is this a common fear?

35 replies

Plantpot45 · 28/05/2022 11:54

i have always had a massive fear of my children drowning. To a point where I think if I leave them to it, and adopt a more relaxed attitude around open water then it will 100% happen. This I realise is a bit irrational. My older children have learnt to swim and are old enough to know not to just jump into a deep flowing river or an open quay for example… so they I don’t have any fear over. They are safe in my eyes with an adult present but no need to hold them back I can just suggest they move away from the edge…

but my 4 year old (and when my others were little) just sent/sends me into a frenzy. I could cry around it and just hate it. It doesn’t help that he is really busy and active and just thinks he’s invincible.

This morning I took them to feed the ducks at the quay. Very dark and murky water and very strong undercurrents. I have no idea how deep it is but because I don’t know it’s worse. I tried to stay calm but said can we all just stand away from inches toward the edge please and eventually he was just closer and closer and I just said right all the seed is gone let’s go and tried to pull him back but he struggled to get away from me. This ramps up my anxiety because he’s more likely to fall in this way. Everyone else and their kids are just casual and relaxed. I think I must look mental worrying about it and being so overprotective but it scares the life out of me. He carried on trying to get away from me and ended up tripping over my foot, grazing his elbow and crying. Cue the staring.

Am I being overprotective/unreasonable or is this a rational and normal fear? How much fear do you all have around young children and deep water?

OP posts:
Ouchmytoe100 · 28/05/2022 11:59

I don't think you're being at all overprotective. You were being sensibly cautious around a very real danger. The anxiety you feel might be excessive, but it is sensible anxiety and not irrational!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 28/05/2022 12:00

I would be holding on tight to a 4 year old in that situation!

nearlyspringyay · 28/05/2022 12:01

I don't think you're being over protective at all. I'm the same though. I won't take my kids to Beachy Head for example, they love a bit of rough and tumble play, I'm not going to do that on top of a cliff edge.

They think I'm neurotic, I don't care!

Original poster
Plantpot45 · 28/05/2022 12:03

Thankyou Thankyou! I feel less neurotic now!

OP posts:
CleverKnot · 28/05/2022 12:03

Parents of non-swimmers of course need to be very careful around deep water. It shouldn't be freaking you out, though. Vigilance not high anxiety.

Sewaccidentprone · 28/05/2022 12:08

My dm was exactly the same. But she couldn’t swim.

I think with small children it’s only natural what you did, as you say they think they’re invincible.

I remember my dn thinking life was like a cartoon, so had to have a very close eye kept on him.

Oinkypig · 28/05/2022 12:08

I feel exactly the same, maybe the anxiety shouldn’t be so high but I hate seeing small children near water not being closely supervised.

We actually call it pier fear in my family!

itsgettingweird · 28/05/2022 12:09

You're braver than me been taking a determined whirlwind of a 4yo somewhere so risky!

I'm the same around water. It's actually not an irrational fear but a fear that's rational to the really real dangers these places can present.

Fwiw half my family including ds are swimmers and others if us have been lifeguards (open water) in the past.

If I know there is real danger I just avoid these places and go to ponds with bridges and barriers Grin

WhiteTeaNoSugar · 28/05/2022 12:11

I live in Australia and watching little kids near any body of water for every single second is something drilled into us. I’d do what you did, a 4 year old can be unpredictable and if the water is murky with currents you may not be able to grab him instantly if he fell in.

RandomQuest · 28/05/2022 12:13

I’m not usually anxious at all but there’s absolutely no way I’d take a non swimmer to feed the ducks somewhere inches from a fast flowing current and deep murky water. We only do it at the pond in the park.

Luckystar1 · 28/05/2022 12:16

I take the view when it comes to these things, that people might think I’m over the top, but I would be the one to lose everything of anything happened to my child or children so I will do all that I can to keep them safe.

I have found some peoples approaches to these things very lack, but again, that’s on them.

And no, I think you are absolutely right. Something can happen in a split second that could change lives forever.

WakeWaterWalk · 28/05/2022 12:17

I think it's drilled into some of us by parents. Understandable really.

Luckystar1 · 28/05/2022 12:18

Sorry autocorrect lax

trevthecat · 28/05/2022 12:26

I'm like this over any body of water. Even if it is shallow. It is something I am working on but it's very difficult to rationalise for me so I completely get this

PurpleFlower1983 · 28/05/2022 12:29

I wouldn’t have taken my child to feed the ducks there, just the local pond for us, my anxiety wouldn’t have allowed it!

BiasedBinding · 28/05/2022 12:33

I’m very vigilant around water, my two are small and not yet able to swim or fully understand safety around water so if we eg go to the river near my house to paddle I only go if we have a one adult to one child ratio.

in your situation though I don’t understand why you would take them to feed the ducks in such a place if it causes you such anxiety? It’s easily avoided as an activity and they aren’t missing out on much.

Bakedpotatoesfortea · 28/05/2022 12:38

Other people are so lax with water and their kids. I'm definitely on the anxious side and I feel no shame on that, because it only takes a moment. Children are unpredictable, water can be unpredictable too in the sense of hidden currents, hidden objects, tidal patterns and riptides (at the beach). I'm so vigilant even in the swimming pool, or the bath, padding pool, etc. I could never have a pond or a hot tub or swimming pool at home with young kids, I just feel it's too great a risk. And holidays with an unguarded pool, it all makes me feel very anxious.

I am a very anxious person around a lot of things, but around water I am only anxious with children and non swimmers. I've done a lot of outdoor swimming and sea swimming, surfing, body boarding and kayaking and the water has always been a really happy place for me, maybe that is why I am so vigilant though because I know you have to be. I think a lot of people are pretty naïve about the dangers of water. So as much as I know in some other areas I'm OTT in my anxieties, actually with water I think it's totally reasonable. Not being incredibly vigilant around water with young children is like not strapping them in their car seats in the car. It's a normal safety measure. If people are gawping at you maybe they should be looking at their own laissez-faire attitude to water safety and not yours.

balalake · 28/05/2022 12:43

Regardless of depth, there is the possibility of cold water shock. Perfectly reasonable to me sensible even if it looks cautious.

TinaYouFatLard · 28/05/2022 12:43

I think this is a sensible thing to be very concerned about. At least while your DC is so young and a non-swimmer.

Notanotherwindow · 28/05/2022 12:47

I'm a pretty relaxed guardian as it goes but I'd be the exact same as you. 4 year olds near water have as much sense as a squirrel on a motorway.

SagaNorenLansrimMalmo · 28/05/2022 12:49

You’re anxiety levels might be a bit high, but it is not an irrational fear. Water and kids is dangerous. I am always in high alert around water with my kids and I’m a strong swimmer and I’ve made sure they can all swim. We filled the pond in as soon as we moved to our house (within days) because I couldn’t safely let them out in the garden if I didn’t! (I had a toddler at the time)

The danger feels particularly real because I’ve been present twice when children have been saved from drowning. Once around a lake, kids playing on a summer day, a child around 5 or 6 got into difficultly, his own parents were completely oblivious but my BIL spotted him and dashed in and pulled him out.

The other time, I was sitting by a pool on holiday watching my kids because they were both playing by the water - both were competent swimmers. They were fine, but because I was watching I saw someone else’s toddler tumble in. 2 or 3 years old, no flotation device on him, playing by a pool that was over 2m deep at that point. I saw him fall, so I immediately dived in, and was able to get him out - but it took surprisingly long for me to get to him. No one else saw it happen - this was a busy pool with a lifeguard! The lifeguard must have been looking the other way when he fell in - but once a kid is under the water, people don’t see. That child would have died in minutes if I hadn’t been watching. Water is dangerous. You are not being unreasonable.

CorpseReviver · 28/05/2022 12:50

This morning I took them to feed the ducks at the quay. Very dark and murky water and very strong undercurrents. I have no idea how deep it is but because I don’t know it’s worse

This is a strange choice of activity given your (rational) fears.

SagaNorenLansrimMalmo · 28/05/2022 12:51

And I should say, I am a laisse faire, relaxed parent. But not around water.

MrsRuggles · 28/05/2022 12:52

Even a strong swimmer can have difficulties in a strong current or if in shock from the cold. Your caution is wise.

Singleandproud · 28/05/2022 12:58

People are too lax around water, people climb over the barriers or sit on the sea wall to crab where I live, it's insane as it's a really dangerous bit of sea.

However it sounds like your actions made it more likely to fall in so that might be a thing to think about too and how you deal with it.

There are things that you could do to mitigate your anxiety though. If feeding the ducks is a very regular thing that you do at this venue, buy a buoyancy aid for the non swimmer. A small one will fit in the back of a rucksack. They aren't expensive and it'll put your mind at rest and you can all enjoy yourself.

DD and I can both swim but if we go out in our kayak or paddle boat we both wear buoyancy aids as its the sensible thing to do.

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