Anyone with a child that has SEN and a family member that doesn't believe so?

[SmallDucks]

I need to rant.

Its kicked off with one of my parents (parents have separated).

Parent lives about 3 hours drive away, we have been going there for Christmas for the last 20+ years, with traffic it can be up to an 8 hour round journey in one day. This only just worked when the kids were small enough to sleep on the way home.

Now one of them isn't, and this DC has ADHD, and keeping him trapped in a car for that length of time, even when it's divided by two, is fucking torture for everyone, no amount of games, books and games of eye-spy can help.

When my parents introduced a yearly BBQ at theirs, we gave it a bash, the journey was hell and I've mentioned that we have all reached out limit.

So this Christmas I invited them to mine which went down like a sack of poo.

They came, sat in silence and are still giving me the cold shoulder.

This parent has, in a roundabout way, implied that my DC's diagnoses BS, thinks theirs nothing wrong with him, I'm the issue.

I went ape shit last night after it was bought up again (by me foolishly) and I've ended up effing in frustrating and blocking him on everything.

Im gutted and pissed off and annoyed.

Haha oh yes !! My own parents and parents in law! When Dd 11 got her dx of autism mil said to DH "are you sure she's not having you on and just doesn't want to do what you say?" Hahahaha You know your child just let it go over your head! Just to add FIL is definitely autistic!!

And when ds (now 18) was school refusing age 8 it was my parenting and it was all about "expectations". That was from my own DH. Never mind that DS is also autistic and suffers from paralysing anxiety! Honestly the stupidity of some people is astounding!

Absolutely. My in laws insist it's not autism, it's screen time and bad parenting. You just have to let it wash off you, if they won't accept it then refuse to discuss it.

DH has refused to tell his family because they "wouldn't understand." We told my dad who does occasionally say have you tried X or Y but I have given him the opportunity to try X and Y himself and it has always turned out exactly the way I predicted.

Parent lives about 3 hours drive away, we have been going there for Christmas for the last 20+ years, with traffic it can be up to an 8 hour round journey in one day

why on earth are you doing an 8hr round trip in one day? Most people wouldn’t do that, especially with kids, choice would be not go, stay over or hotel. They’re being completely U expecting you to do that to start with.

does dc have a formal diagnoses? It’s not unusual for family member to be resistant as many cases aren’t clear cut.

My sister said my daughter isn’t “really autistic” because she doesn’t wear nappies and can read, apparently I don’t know what it’s like to have a child with “real” autism, this is someone that works as a teacher in an sen school 😳

Inlaws were sceptical until formal diagnosis. We are lucky adhd medication has worked wonders but all my adhders are different which mil struggles to get her head around esp when one has a couple of diagnoses.

Yes both my parents are like this. Don't beleive in neurodiversity. I always felt different and like I had struggled my way through life. Just told I was a weirdo and clumsy little shit. Then I had DD and I saw her struggle with motor skills like writing and walking straight and came to discover she had dyspraxia...and so did I. Tried to talk to my parents about it, nothing accusatory just sort of 'dd and I have been diagnosed with' but they wouldn't hear it. Basically told me it was a load of bollocks and they'd never heard of it. Shut me down completely and we don't talk about it. Apart from when i speak up for my kid. When I were young if I'd have spilled a drink or veered into the path of my parents I'd have got a slap around the head, over my dead body will anybody hit my daughter for having dyspraxia.

They do offer for us to stay over, which we have done before. However that means managing difficult behaviours at theirs which is 10 times harder when DC is over excited, overtired, etc, so it's the lesser of two evils.

He does have a formal diagnoses, privately and recently via CAMHS. In fact, he recently did a QB test which they told us is the 'gold standard' for testing for ADHD, and DC scored on the 98th centile for hyperactivity. I told my parent this, thinking SURELY this would prove something?

But no.

Yeah. I've three DC, one with autism and two with ADHD (and potentially autism). My
DM (who used to work in autism services) refuses to believe that DS is autistic 🙄.

Do what's right for your child. If it's too far to travel, don't go. Your DC's happiness is much more important that your judgmental in-laws.

Sorry, your parents, not in-laws. Why doesn't MN have an edit feature yet??

My DD has downs so no one queries her diagnosis but lots didn’t understand when she was younger about what an absolute ball ache it was taking her to other people’s houses as she was a nightmare in new environments. Fine in the car though!

Something my mum also does with my daughter is she always says “oh she’s never like that for me” “she never does that at my house” “she’s fine for me you’re just not strict enough” everything I say my daughter struggles with she will say at her house she doesn’t, she makes out like she is a totally different child and it’s just me/my parenting/ me not being strict enough, despite the fact she’s diagnosed apparently she is perfect for my mum, I know about masking but it’s definitely not that (not that my mum believes in that anyway) but I realise she was lying to me as she’s let slip a few time’s now things that have happened that she hasn’t told me as she’s too busy trying to make out like it’s my parenting, no idea why she does it.

Exactly, so presumably they saw your daughter when she was chill, maybe in her own home and environment and just couldn't understand that it wouldn't be like that somewhere else.

people are dicks. Just because they don't see it, doesn't mean it doesn't occur!

Yes. My father told me not to jump on that bandwagon.

Oh yes! I have a dd(15) with autism. My family just wouldn’t believe there was anything different with her (especially before diagnosis, reluctantly believe more now as we also had a private & then NHS diagnosis) and it was all me and my parenting. DH family have been wonderfully supportive and I feel I can spend time with them with no judgement etc - my family wonder why they don’t have the same relationship with us 🤨

I have also lost many friendships as “she looks fine to me” and that many behaviours aren’t ‘naughty’ but a window to see that something else is going on but that’s not acceptable! Oh (sorry I’m on a rant) and I know when and how to pick my battles, which quite often were disagreed with!

SmallDucks you are doing a fantastic job, it’s sad that your parent is putting their needs over their grandchild’s. My family were kept at arms length for a long time but some bridges are starting to be built but both my children will always come first!

I can sort of see where your sister is coming from as our childminder said similar to DS2 (autistic but in mainstream school). I guess her point was that he doesn't experience as many challenges as some autistic kids do, which is fair. He is definitely still autistic though, and it's annoying when people say these things!

Thank you.

Similarly my in-laws just take us how we come and have never questioned anything.

I think I need to keep back from my Dad for a while because I'm seething from this which won't help anyone.

I am anticipating GP resistance this weekend when we tell them DS2 is autistic (he will bring it up himself, he's proud) 😂I won't mention my own recent diagnosis as they won't believe it 🙄

She’s still autistic though and has her own challenges so it isn’t a walk in the park just because she doesn’t wear nappies, I can’t even take her out on the street because she runs off, she’s aggressive and she lies on the floor screaming even now she’s 11 she can’t be left alone for a second and has full time 1:1 support all day at school, so yes whilst some children might be harder it doesn’t mean she isn’t “really autistic” it was that comment that bugged me rather than saying some autistic children have more struggles etc

Oh yes, my in laws. I don’t even talk about it with them anymore as they just don’t understand and aren’t willing to try. It’s so disappointing.

Yep. 2/3 of mine have confirmed ASD, one of them with ADHD as well.
In laws have said numerous times their diagnoses wouldn’t have made it past the teacher having a chat stage “in their day”, that every child has to have something wrong these days and the rise of screens and diagnosis is no coincidence 🙄
of course, they know better than a whole multidisciplinary team of experts!

Do you know the other thing, lots of these grandparents will have similar traits, given that these things are often hereditary.

I had a bad relationship with my Dad when I was a child/teenager. I have no doubt I have ADHD, and I feel as though there is a small possibility he has it too.

And what they are saying is very true. But that child would have been considered a delinquent, a trouble maker, and other absolutely bullshit titles (I had these titles).

But what fucks me off is that they don't see that research and information changes. Not the fricking child. It's always been present but our understanding hasn't.

What's so hard for them to understand?

Even if the kids were NT that sounds like the seventh circle of hell.

I would tell them regardless of anything you don't want to do that trip.

And also you aren't asking them to belive. They can just STFU.