Anyone with a child that has SEN and a family member that doesn't believe so?

[SmallDucks]

I need to rant.

Its kicked off with one of my parents (parents have separated).

Parent lives about 3 hours drive away, we have been going there for Christmas for the last 20+ years, with traffic it can be up to an 8 hour round journey in one day. This only just worked when the kids were small enough to sleep on the way home.

Now one of them isn't, and this DC has ADHD, and keeping him trapped in a car for that length of time, even when it's divided by two, is fucking torture for everyone, no amount of games, books and games of eye-spy can help.

When my parents introduced a yearly BBQ at theirs, we gave it a bash, the journey was hell and I've mentioned that we have all reached out limit.

So this Christmas I invited them to mine which went down like a sack of poo.

They came, sat in silence and are still giving me the cold shoulder.

This parent has, in a roundabout way, implied that my DC's diagnoses BS, thinks theirs nothing wrong with him, I'm the issue.

I went ape shit last night after it was bought up again (by me foolishly) and I've ended up effing in frustrating and blocking him on everything.

Im gutted and pissed off and annoyed.

I had similar with my own parents when we first mentioned DS was being assessed. We got the diagnosis this week and my parents took it better than expected, although my mum told me it was 'a shame'. Not quite sure why, he's still the same kid he always was.

Definitely what has been hard with my own family is everyone in my family is probably autistic too, including me. So when I have mentioned autistic traits seen in my DS, I was met with 'Well we all did that too'. It's normal behaviour to them all! Except it was just called 'highly strung' or 'on your nerves' and accepted that every female in my family has an eating disorder.

It's hard because my parents do 'get' my DS because his behaviour is normal to them. They don't bat an eye when he's pacing the house for hours on end and leave him alone when he says he needs to be alone. Which is more than my in laws do. But they don't understand how he might struggle in school or in social situations with other kids.

A family member was horribly confused by my DD because she could read but was also in nappies. She didn't know whether she was faking being able to read or faking being in nappies, but felt strongly that she was either autistic and couldn't really read or wasn't autistic and didn't really need the nappies!

it doesn’t mean she isn’t “really autistic” it was that comment that bugged me rather than saying some autistic children have more struggles etc

I get what you mean and that would have annoyed me too!

Absolutely this.

If they don't believe us then fuck them. It's the fact that they are being so rigid about the long journey twice a year.

Theres so way on earth my dad would have endured that with us kids twice a year. He just wouldn't have done.

My brother - expressed that DD2 was fine and would grow out of her dyspraxia and I'm sure he's got some gems of wisdom about the autism diagnosis now as well (we don't talk). He's always got some twattish statement about how my kids are brought up though - he'll refuse to believe they're investigating DD1 for ADHD as well if that one is mentioned.

I have problems in that DD2's ASD is very much internalised and manifests in anxiety to be "good" so to the outside world she's placid, beautifully mannered and an absolute sweetheart so the disbelief is kind of par for the course in many ways.

Oh god yes to this, actually still get it and dd is just 14 years. Dd is severely disabled, when born you would not have known by looking at her, this only became obvious as she grew.

I would often get many comments like "nothing wrong with her", "it's your imagination", "lazy child", "overprotective mother", etc etc so many hurtful comments from family and friends, even strangers would say things like "just make her do this, that". One of my sister's even took dd from her wheelchair and made, well tried to make her walk, saying she was well able.

I think I spent the first 8 years of her life crying over other people.

I often got stupid, ridiculous, hurtful comments when we would try things like visits, overnights and we had to leave early due to dd not being happy. I would apologise for not going to weddings etc making excuses and trying to explain why I couldn't bring or leave dd. I was always apologising.

Even when dd got measured for her 1st wheelchair, I was told I was overreacting and stopping her from developing properly. I was ashamed for a while wheeling her as I thought people were looking and judging me badly.

People's comments were shit, I mean I ended up on tablets because of how other people made me feel. Thankfully one day a switch went off in my head and I suddenly realised that yes my dd is disabled and she a wonderful child and if anyone says anything negative about her I put them right. I take no shit from anyone and don't feel guilty telling people if I can't go or do something. Of course there's still a few who catch me off guard, I may have a little seeth to myself or I make sure I get back to them with my response.

@BiscoffSundae DS1 was diagnosed ASC during primary school. He had a really well managed transition to comp, the school we thought were very aware and supportive. In art class they were asked to draw a picture putting themselves in somebody else's shoes. He drew an incredible picture of a shoe. He also got a detention for "deliberately" misunderstanding the exercise. The art teacher was also the SEN specialist.

DS3 is tube fed due to having an unsafe swallow. MIL asks every time she sees him if we have tried him on chocolate. Because obviously he’ll cave and eat real food if offered chocolate.

Seen first hand as a teacher a child with ADHD trying so hard to control themselves they have sat on their hands rigid so desperate so not be seen as a naughty child and it's so heartbreaking. Heard the comments about ADHD is just a naughty children not being given enough boundaries and wished I could show people that 12 year old boy who desperately wanted to be able to sit still like his peers. Don't let anyone tell you they know him better he has a diagnosis for a reason and they need to respect that.

My MIL. seems to treat it as some sort of personality trait. ‘But we all do that’, she says.

Oh my god. That's shocking.

Yep… just recently an ex in-law of mine told me how I can cure my child’s autism with camel milk… they all still think it’s something she will grow out of and she will end up being ‘fine’… she’s fine as she is thank you, wankers! 👍

Yes.

SiL (DH’s sister) thinks it’s just me attention seeking.

My family and PiLs are supportive, but I do get a little sick of the “have you tried….” all the time.

They mean well, but it does show that despite all this time they still don’t understand DD’s condition, and of course we’ve bloody tried it!!!

I know this is an old thread, but this is what I'm dealing with. Both my kids have been at my Mum's for a week and both are ASD, one not diagnosed yet. I was originally told I was trying to label my son, when it was school who pushed for diagnosis.
My Mum last night basically told me my daughter is at it and that she turns it on and off. And that she knew where toilets were at the theme park so is fine. She paid for stuff in a shop fine. So she's fine apparently.
I've had a week of stressed out messages from my daughter at all hours of the night where my Mum has wound her up and made herself a victim in it all.
My Mum also thinks that my daughters insomnia is put on.
Maybe she did pay for something in a shop one time, but they never see all the rest of the times she's struggling. They also added a contact less app to her phone, knowing full well she buys inappropriate things and needs our support a lot of the time.
They are due home and my parents won't aee the aftermath that we will have to deal with after all of that.
As someone else said, I've also had ot pinned on me that my kids are like they are due to screen time... yet on most days I've had to phone one of my kids to tell them to come off their phone. One day it was 14 hours, yesterday it was over 12 hours. But that was allowed as they were tired.
I didn't have the greatest upbringing and now live with the consequences now. Whilst I am by no means a perfect parent, I do my very best for my kids. Today I just feel drained and a bit let down.