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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

breastfeeding is ruining my relationship with my daughter

34 replies

2023wish · 27/05/2022 09:54

dd is 14 months old. i didn’t intend to breastfeed this long, my initial goal was 6 months but there was just no reason to stop - she was happy, i was happy, etc etc.

now i’m 6 weeks pregnant and it is agony every single time. there’s also nights (like last night where she was on from 5am-9am) where she will latch on for hours and cry if i try to take her off so i get barely any sleep (i do cosleep so i shut my eyes and try to sleep but it’s not the same).

i am also feeling quite sad about the fact that i can’t just have a nice relationship with her the way she does with her dad. everytime she hugs me i then get a hand down my top, etc etc. i just want it to end and i don’t know how. this morning i tried refusing feeds twice and she was screaming crying hysterically so much that i felt i had no choice but to give in

OP posts:
Tee20x · 27/05/2022 10:00

Awful isn't it. My DD is also 14 months & doesn't feed in the day but does before bed & still throughout the night. Created a bad habit for myself where I cba for the drama and fussing so I just give in so I can get some decent sleep.

I am also feeling like I want to stop but whenever I test the waters and the hysterical crying starts I just think how can I keep this up esp when it's like 3am & I have to think of waking other household members up and the fact that I have to go to work in the morning.

I have a week of annual leave coming up and think I will just rip the bandaid off then. Not sure how it will work though.

Summerwetordry · 27/05/2022 10:05

When DS was 15 months I just said no, all gone. He was still trying his luck and attempting to get inside my bra at 2 and a half. It made no difference. I just stopped it dead and he had to live with it.

roarfeckingroarr · 27/05/2022 10:06

I'm in a simile position. My DS is 19 months and I've just found out I'm around 5 weeks pregnant. I wanted to stop soon and he's mostly night weaned but I really want it to end now!

llibrollibre · 27/05/2022 10:10

Are there any breastfeeding support groups in your local area? They can also help with stopping breastfeeding.

At 14 months, you may find it helpful to use distraction when she wants a feed and you aren't ok with it. If she's still feeding regularly, it'll need to be a gradual process so that you don't get too engorged/develop mastitis. It's perfectly ok to say no as well, even if it leads to crying.

Have you looked into night weaning? You can talk to her about milk no longer being available at night... I used to tell my son that it was sleeping too 😊. There's a good little book called Nursies When The Sun Shines that could help. My son was in hysterics the first few nights and husband had to rock him to sleep, but it was worth it... I got to sleep for a full night for the first time in 2yrs!

I know it's hard to set limits on it but it's also perfectly ok, even if it leads to upset.

Tee20x · 27/05/2022 10:12

Question for those who night weaned at an older age - how bad is it from a scale of 1-10. As in how many nights of screaming should I anticipate 😂😂

llibrollibre · 27/05/2022 10:14

Tee20x · 27/05/2022 10:12

Question for those who night weaned at an older age - how bad is it from a scale of 1-10. As in how many nights of screaming should I anticipate 😂😂

I think we had 3-4...

But you need to make sure you prepare the child for it in advance. Tell them what's going to happen and why etc ("because mum needs to sleep" is totally reasonable!)

CupidStunt22 · 27/05/2022 10:20

Just stop. Let her scream, it won't last. A couple of horrible days and then done.

A friend of mine put band aids on her nipples and told her son they were broken!

Topgub · 27/05/2022 10:21

Stop breastfeeding

Changingmynameyetagain · 27/05/2022 10:21

i was the same when ds1 was a baby and I was pregnant with ds2.
i just stopped, I really couldn’t cope with BF and a HG pregnancy too.
I slept with a bra on and a onsie so he couldn’t latch on!
We talked about it loads and that it was time to stop, not sure how much he actually understood but it took about a week for him to stop asking.

naomi81 · 27/05/2022 10:23

Yes like above person just stop, tell little one it's finished now and you get cows milk in a cup, just go half breast milk and half cows milk for a few days. I really had had enough by 12 months, I was done regardless of little one.

Original poster
2023wish · 27/05/2022 10:28

thanks everyone. i’m going to try to stop today by putting plasters over my nips and then tonight sleeping on the sofa so dh has to deal with it

OP posts:
RidingMyBike · 27/05/2022 10:38

After 12 months I switched to only letting DD BF when I was prepared to do it. I'd already limited BFs from 12 weeks just to be able to cope with the awfulness of doing it, but a 12 week old doesn't really care where the milk comes from! Limiting it did help with actually carrying on with it.

So I let her BF first thing when she woke up and came into our bed, if we were in the bath together and then at bedtime if it was my turn to do it. I didn't allow pulling at clothes to try and get access - I just said 'no Mummy milk' and then distracted. You do have to be firm initially and not give in, but it's all part of setting boundaries.

Your milk will keep going at whatever amount you're doing - that first thing in the morning BF stayed until 3.5 years, although all the others stopped by 18mo.

AgathaAllAlong · 27/05/2022 10:55

I did this with DS. First I cut down to one or two feeds, did this quickly. Then I just said in a friendly happy voice, "you're a big boy now you don't (word for breastfeed) anymore do you?". And that was it he got over it fast. He was 18 or 20 months I think. Just made sure to distract with things he liked, favourite snacks, and so on. Like you I was fed up of not getting real cuddles and being seen as food!

AgathaAllAlong · 27/05/2022 10:58

Yes and talk to her lots. Don't tell her off just calmly explain that she's big now or that you're not doing it anymore because it makes you feel tired.

Pesimistic · 27/05/2022 11:05

I'm in the same boat, my dd is 18 months and I have a 3 week old, breast feeding both is draining, dd wants to feed every time baby does, to nap, when she hurts her self ect, I have to pump a bottle of milk for baby while I get dd to sleep at night or she just screams and claws at me, while I'm trying to get baby fed and in bed. It's very hard to cope with, currently trying her in her own room and I successfully refused bf last night and she had a bottle instead. Hasn't worked for nap time today though

Original poster
2023wish · 27/05/2022 11:11

Pesimistic · 27/05/2022 11:05

I'm in the same boat, my dd is 18 months and I have a 3 week old, breast feeding both is draining, dd wants to feed every time baby does, to nap, when she hurts her self ect, I have to pump a bottle of milk for baby while I get dd to sleep at night or she just screams and claws at me, while I'm trying to get baby fed and in bed. It's very hard to cope with, currently trying her in her own room and I successfully refused bf last night and she had a bottle instead. Hasn't worked for nap time today though

how is it going with her being in her own room? that’s what i’m thinking of doing too but we don’t really have the space as spare room is currently an office so don’t know whether it’s worth trying

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 27/05/2022 11:16

My son was 16 months old when I stopped bf. I just stopped. I told him it was all gone and that was it.

I felt similarly to you and ended up feeling like a vending machine - he'd walk over to me whilst watching the Tellytubbies, stand in front of me, help himself and then still turn his head to watch the TV 🤣

Maurepas · 27/05/2022 11:17

I have always understood breast feeding is a kind of contraceptive - but apparently not?!

2bazookas · 27/05/2022 11:17

At some time, for their own sake, every child has to learn that No means No and no amount of screaming will get their way.

If parents fail that , then they and the child are going to have a miserable childhood and that poor kid will also be an unhappy adult.

SingingSands · 27/05/2022 11:32

Does she understand "all gone"?

That's what I said to my DS when I'd decided to stop. I said "oh dear! all gone!".

Yes, he was a bit bemused and then had a sad little face but it only took 2/3 nights. You can't cave - keep repeating the message and don't give in. The plasters idea is great, gives a strong visual.

Good luck!

Fifthtimelucky · 27/05/2022 14:27

I stopped breastfeeding my elder daughter when I became pregnant again. In fact the pain while feeding was the first sign that I was pregnant again.

I explained to my daughter that it was hurting mummy and she stopped without a fuss. She did still stick a hand down my top every now again though. She was older (18 months) so could understand better. She was also night weaned and I was only feeding her twice a day.

It was the night-weaning that allowed me to get pregnant I think. I was completely exhausted until then as she used to be wake up at about 2am and climb all over me, prodding bits of my body and proudly saying the new words she had learned: 'Mummy eye', Mummy nose' Mummy mouth' etc. Eventually, at about 4am I'd manage to feed her back to sleep and the alarm would go off at 5.30 for me to get up for work.

We used a controlled crying approach. I went into her room to soothe her every time she cried, but I didn't pick her up and I didn't feed her.

We had one very tiring night and it was less traumatic than I had feared because, although there were frequent episodes of crying, none of them lasted more than a few seconds. The next night she slept through the night and our lives were transformed!

thingymaboob · 27/05/2022 14:30

You just have to stop. Go cold turkey. You can't give in. If you've decided you need to stop you just have to bite the bullet. Offer her a beaker of warm milk each time.
Maybe go away for 2 nights and get husband to go in with a cup of milk.

RidingMyBike · 27/05/2022 15:08

@Maurepas definitely not a reliable form of contraception as it's incredibly variable! A friend got pregnant again accidentally at 6 weeks PP despite EBF and feeding through the night. So ended up with two kids in the same school year!

Meanwhile I combi-fed 50/50 BF/formula with no night feeds after six weeks and didn't get a period until nearly a year PP!

Milknosugar123 · 27/05/2022 16:41

We are on day 4 of no more feeds, managed to cut down to just the one before bed and now trying to stick with no more. Anyone got any words of advice for the soreness, hand expressing a little just isn't enough and I'm terrified of mastitis!

IfNoTwitterThenWhat · 27/05/2022 16:59

This is where Dad steps in. Pick a weekend and just leave, let him deal with it. He’ll loose a nights sleep but it’s better for him to do it . You’ve done an amazing job but you need a break before it starts again. She’ll be fine

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