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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work colleague issue

29 replies

Allinadayswork80 · 27/05/2022 09:24

Need your advice on this - it may well be to put my big girl pants on and just confront the issue or just up and leave as life is too short to deal with this shit.

I seem to have an issue with another lady at work, well, more she’s got an issue with me. I thought we were friends, we work well together and share the same approach to work. I’ve been there longest and am more experienced in this line of work but she has come along and picked the job up really quickly and really well - something I’ve complimented her on. I went on maternity leave during covid and the team had a really tough time but coped really well - again, something I’ve mentioned. She was all encouraging of me returning to work, said they really needed me, can’t wait for me to return etc. However, since I have (6 months) she seems to have taken against me and I’ve no idea why. I’ve always got on well with my colleagues, in all my jobs and never ever had any fall outs or issues. I’m supportive and helpful, especially to less experienced colleagues that need a bit of a hand. She has taken offence to a couple of really silly inoffensive things I’ve said, when absolutely no offence was intended (others have agreed this). She’s now gone so far as to make something up about me to a mutual friend and has actually said “I don’t think ……. likes me, it’s a power struggle”. I don’t know where it’s coming from, I don’t really know what to do about to it. How can you approach this, when someone is so unreasonable and to even lie? I get on really well with all my other colleagues and love my job but she’s causing me to feel really uncomfortable, I’m watching everything I say just incase she takes some weird offence to it. I’m now considering leaving as I’ve got enough going on in my life to worry about petty work issues, but I really don’t want to and the benefits of my job are such that I couldn’t get them elsewhere. She’s also really ‘pallied up’ with our manager, due to a mutual hobby, which I fear will go against me if things deteriorate, despite always having a good relationship with said manager. She said to another colleague about why she’s being so friendly “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”.

It’s such schoolgirl stuff and quite ridiculous, I haven’t experienced this before and I’m not sure exactly how to proceed. I’m tempted to just confront her and ask what her problem is with me? If it’s something I’m unaware that I’m doing to offend her maybe. But how come no one else has ever found this? And I worry this will just cause more friction. Another friend at work has said she thinks this person wants to be ‘top dog’ and doesn’t like that I’m more experienced and know the job better, but I can’t do anything about that!

Sorry for the long ramble. How should I approach this?

OP posts:
DuchessOfSausage · 27/05/2022 09:35

What has she taken offence to?

SarahSissions · 27/05/2022 09:42

It depends what the “silly inoffensive” things you said were. If mumsnet proves on thing it’s what one person finds silly, someone else can find really upsetting. And if you do get upset by something- someone else telling you it’s silly NEVER helps!!! I also don’t think anyone is going to tell you to your face you were out of line.
so I think we need a bit more detail.

Emiliaswrath · 27/05/2022 09:43

From what you have said I think your colleague is correct, this lady wants to be top dog and sees you as being in her way. Not much you can do about that, just remember that she's the one with the problem, it's not you.
I would not tackle her outright as you may end up looking like you're the one with the problem. People like this are very good at manipulating these situations.
If you have any proof that she has made up lies about you, then you could speak to your manager or HR. Even if she is pally with the manager, your manager still needs to do their job.
Personally I wouldn't leave, but then I'm stubborn and don't like to let people like this 'win'. But I can understand you thinking life is to short for this crap. Hope it gets better for you Flowers

spuddy56 · 27/05/2022 09:45

I work with someone like this although she is the more experienced one so I don't know why she seems so determined to constantly one up me and drive this energy draining power struggle. She's also very pally with manager and he with her. Sorry no advice, just sympathy as the whole stupid situation is draining my positivity too :(

Quincythequince · 27/05/2022 09:45

Just have a Frank conversation with her to find out what her beef is.

AlisonDonut · 27/05/2022 09:58

I guess she got used to you being on maternity leave and thought you wouldn't return so is miffed at your return.

Have you got the authority to make some changes to something just to reassert your status?

Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 27/05/2022 10:09

Yes I totally see your point, but it really was a jokey thing I said. Everyone else knew that. It was said in a group chat so if I was to say something mean about her, I wouldn’t do it in the group chat she’s in! If anything, I was saying something kind, just in my usual silly way. I can’t give exact detail as it would be outing! The lie was that I’d said something in a huff about something she’d done at work and “I was gonna do that, hmph” which was completely inaccurate. I actually complimented that she’d done it and said “nice one, saves me a job!”

OP posts:
Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 27/05/2022 10:10

spuddy56 · 27/05/2022 09:45

I work with someone like this although she is the more experienced one so I don't know why she seems so determined to constantly one up me and drive this energy draining power struggle. She's also very pally with manager and he with her. Sorry no advice, just sympathy as the whole stupid situation is draining my positivity too :(

💓 Thank you. It sucks eh?! Hope things improve for you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 27/05/2022 10:11

SarahSissions · 27/05/2022 09:42

It depends what the “silly inoffensive” things you said were. If mumsnet proves on thing it’s what one person finds silly, someone else can find really upsetting. And if you do get upset by something- someone else telling you it’s silly NEVER helps!!! I also don’t think anyone is going to tell you to your face you were out of line.
so I think we need a bit more detail.

Yes I totally see your point, but it really was a jokey thing I said. Everyone else knew that. It was said in a group chat so if I was to say something mean about her, I wouldn’t do it in the group chat she’s in! If anything, I was saying something kind, just in my usual silly way. I can’t give exact detail as it would be outing! The lie was that I’d said something in a huff about something she’d done at work and “I was gonna do that, hmph” which was completely inaccurate. I actually complimented that she’d done it and said “nice one, saves me a job!”

OP posts:
DuchessOfSausage · 27/05/2022 10:13

Rise above it and keep on the good work. Keep a note of anything that's a bit off, and if she does anything mean to you, speak to the line manager.

She's probably insecure about keeping the job now you are back.

Pickabearanybear · 27/05/2022 10:19

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

DonnaRhea · 27/05/2022 10:21

Start keeping a diary. Write it all down , it's the smaller seemingly petty things that causes the most stress as we feel uncomfortable dealing with them in isolation
Don't try and understand her issues, it's not relevant

Once you see them written down it gives you a better picture and evidence if you decide to take it further
Best of luck and congrats on your baby

lisavanderpumpscloset · 27/05/2022 10:25

She wants to be top dog and probably was in your absence. Now you're back, she's not and feels threatened.

Don't leave. Don't let this push you out.

How to deal with it? Be extra nice to her. OTT nice. And to your boss too. And yes, be careful what you say. She'll pounce on the littlest thing. But don't allow yourself to be walked over. You can do it. Stick it out

Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 27/05/2022 10:31

lisavanderpumpscloset · 27/05/2022 10:25

She wants to be top dog and probably was in your absence. Now you're back, she's not and feels threatened.

Don't leave. Don't let this push you out.

How to deal with it? Be extra nice to her. OTT nice. And to your boss too. And yes, be careful what you say. She'll pounce on the littlest thing. But don't allow yourself to be walked over. You can do it. Stick it out

Thank you so much, this was my thought too and other people have said the same. But I don’t mean to make her feel any less relevant, there’s just some things I know from experience that she doesn’t but I’ve never belittled her because of that x

OP posts:
CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 27/05/2022 10:31

Is the mutual friend she lied to also a work colleague? If so that's the thing I wouldn't be prepared to let drop.

I'd say something like "Anne told me you said X about Y situation when I had actually complimented you and thanked you for saving me the work. Surprised you misunderstood such a positive comment as something negative, but just wanted to clarify what I meant". Publicly, or at least in the presence of your manager (in person / in writing)

Someonekillputin · 27/05/2022 10:33

Please don't approach her. Log everything in a journal and go ultimate professional, she's the type that will throw you under the bus. She is trying to be top dog. Let her exhaust herself and distance yourself from her. She is sad and pathetic but lots of people are. Don't concern yourself with her. Any issues go through your grievance procedure, take union advice. Don't leave a happy job otherwise. Just play her at her game and relax.

Someonekillputin · 27/05/2022 10:35

Don't poke the bear honestly she's dangerous, look after your self. Go ultimate professional only do not engage or be on your own with her.

Someonekillputin · 27/05/2022 10:35

She's a narcissist

Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 27/05/2022 10:36

AlisonDonut · 27/05/2022 09:58

I guess she got used to you being on maternity leave and thought you wouldn't return so is miffed at your return.

Have you got the authority to make some changes to something just to reassert your status?

Yes maybe, but she knew I was returning and actually championed my return!
I am way more experienced and have been there longer but I’m not technically her superior and never purported to be. I’ve always treated her as an absolute equal.

It’s so weird she’s turned like this as she’s mentioned numerous times that she remembers how nice I was to her when she came for her interview and it really made her feel at ease!

OP posts:
Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 27/05/2022 10:37

Someonekillputin · 27/05/2022 10:35

Don't poke the bear honestly she's dangerous, look after your self. Go ultimate professional only do not engage or be on your own with her.

This is what I worry about if I try to speak to her. Thanks for the advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 27/05/2022 10:38

Someonekillputin · 27/05/2022 10:33

Please don't approach her. Log everything in a journal and go ultimate professional, she's the type that will throw you under the bus. She is trying to be top dog. Let her exhaust herself and distance yourself from her. She is sad and pathetic but lots of people are. Don't concern yourself with her. Any issues go through your grievance procedure, take union advice. Don't leave a happy job otherwise. Just play her at her game and relax.

Thank you 💞 Good advice x

OP posts:
Someonekillputin · 27/05/2022 10:39

Learn to trust your gut. If you think you've said something that could be twisted write it down x

Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 27/05/2022 10:40

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 27/05/2022 10:31

Is the mutual friend she lied to also a work colleague? If so that's the thing I wouldn't be prepared to let drop.

I'd say something like "Anne told me you said X about Y situation when I had actually complimented you and thanked you for saving me the work. Surprised you misunderstood such a positive comment as something negative, but just wanted to clarify what I meant". Publicly, or at least in the presence of your manager (in person / in writing)

She used to be a colleague but no longer. I can’t do that unfortunately as it would show that the mutual friend had told me and I don’t want to drop her in it and make things awkward for her 😣

OP posts:
CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 27/05/2022 10:41

I work with someone like this which is what my previous advice was based on.

Kill her with kindness, everything public or in writing where possible (or documented as others say) but absolutely politely call her or when she lies about you or says something inaccurate in a "so sorry you misunderstood" way. Otherwise she gets to spread her poison and some people will be stupid enough to believe it, especially as she will be lovely to those she doesn't perceive as a threat....

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 27/05/2022 10:42

Crossed posted and agree if mutual friend no longer a colleague it wouldn't be the right thing to highlight this in work. Make sure mutual friend knows it's bollocks though in case she told anyone else you still work with.