Make me feel better about sending my DD to wraparound

[MumGuiltIsReal]

DD is 7, almost 8, Year 3.

She goes to wraparound 2 nights a week at school. She hates it. Apparently theres only one Year 3 who goes and they’re still bubbled up so he’s in a bubble with his Year 1 and 5 siblings.

DD is in the Year 3 and 4 bubble – bubbles aren’t as strict in the sense that they can switch bubbles now but they’re expected to do everything at wraparound with their bubble she doesn’t really like the Year 4s in her bubble, they’re not horrible or anything from what I can tell she just is quite shy and quiet around new people so doesn’t really talk to them.

The wraparound is pretty boring, even pre-covid it was mostly doing homework or colouring occasionally if they have the staff and the weathers ok they do play on the playground but that’s about it.

January to Easter she did an activity club at school 1 night a week, loved it but it only runs in the Spring Term so she had to go back to wraparound as the clubs running for Year 3 are on other nights.

She knows that by going these 2 nights to wraparound it means on another 2 nights a week she’s able to go to other activities she does enjoy because I can finish work in time to take her as I finish later on the two nights she’s in wraparound.

But still again last night she’s come out crying saying she was bored, she hates it and made me feel very guilty because none of her friends are there.

I’m a single parent, ExH has contact but not in the week (through his own choice) so I’m trying my best to give her everything.

She’s even offered to give up one of her activities if it meant she didn’t have to go to A/S club but I know the reality will be her moaning about that too.
So make me feel better and less of a failure because my marriage failed and I can’t now cope without childcare. She says she literally hates it and doesn't want to go ever again and I just feel so guilty for her.

She's only there until 5pm but is one of the last to go home as well, in the winter she says it feels like midnight.

Is there a childminder she could go to instead?

@2reefsin30knots Sadly not there isn't one that picks up from her school, there's a couple in the area who've said they will have her if I take her to them after school which just isn't feesible.

Can she swap bubbles?

@MarmaladeLime She could but I don't know if it'd help as she'd still not be with friends as the only other Year 3 who goes is in one of the other classes, she vaguely knows him but not really plus he's in the siblings bubble which she can't join due to being an only.

Can she take her own activities? Books to read? Activity magazine?

Don’t feel bad. Needs must and you’re doing what is best for both of you. She’ll get used to it as many do. My son has been at breakfast club three times a week on and off since he started school (bar Covid). He hated it at the start but we didn’t have a choice and he’s got used to it. Speak to the staff and tell them how she feels, they should be able to use something to entice her. My sons staff at breakfast club told him they supported the same football team as him so they talk about that a lot which has at least given him something to do. You’re giving her everything you can.

It's never easy when your child doesn't want to attend after school club - the guilt is a lot for you.
I felt the same and another working mum gave me some ideas to make me feel less awful.

1. You are doing the best you can under tough circumstances- you have to go to work to pay bills.
2. Until a better alternative can happen just know your child is in a safe place, being taken care of in familiar surroundings
3. As much as you wish, you can't give your child an idyllic life 100% of the time.
4. This will teach your child some life skills - that need to be learnt at some point. It encourages independence and resilience although I'm sure you'd rather she didn't have to learn them at the moment.
5. This is not a forever situation - it just needs to happen until perhaps an alternative can be found. One more thing - could you speak to the Head about closing bubbles and ask for some better provision for After School Club - maybe some baking or arts and crafts etc. Don't feel guilty - as a single parent you have to work to provide.

Sorry you and she are having a hard time with this - it sounds tricky. Is the club run by school? It sounds a bit rubbish tbh - are there any alternatives? After-school nanny/childminder/different offsite childcare provision? Before covid my son went to an after school club off site and it was basically crap and caused me a lot of stress as I knew it wasn’t the right setting for him - he wasn’t vocal about not liking it but you just know, don’t you. We’ve now been able to get him into the one run by school (which has a massive waiting list) and it’s made a world of difference. So I’d look into other options first and then if no good consider a flexible working request to reduce your hours, if that might be possible. Good luck, I know it’s stressful and must be all the worse when you’re managing solo.

Are there other options? My son goes to an after school care, it's private so it's not the cheapest but they collect from the school in a minibus and take them to the ASC building. The kids love it, they play outside, watch movies, do arts and crafts, baking, all sorts. It's honestly worth every penny. It's attached to a private nursery, there are a few of them locally because our schools don't offer wrap around as far as I can tell.

Might be worth looking into private options if they exist near your

Ah I get the bubble issue now sorry.

When she's older she'll realise how much you did for her

@eyeoresancerre DD asked before via the school council but was told it's down to staffing there's just not the staff to provide lots of activities for the children.

I had similar situation with DC1 at that age. Had similar angst. DC is now a teen and doing duke of edinburgh, for the volunteering bit DC proactively chose to go to a wraparound care setting to help out, saying it’d be fun! And did find it fun.

your earnings capability is vital, no other ok options, so she needs to go. it’ll be ok!

God, I haven't heard talk of bubbles in a year now. And there are only two Y3 children in teatime club?! Where do you live (roughly?)

Anyway, you need to work and if there are really no childminders (really though?) then she has to go to teatime club. I would talk to the supervisors to see if she can be moved to the bubble with the other Y3, and also ask if she can bring a book, a comic, drawing stuff etc if she is bored. Which she shouldn't be in most teatime clubs tbh.

@piglet81 I use flexi time 2 nights a week to pick her up and take her to other activites, these are activities of her choosing, I can only do that because I work later on these 2 nights she's in A/S club.

No alternatives, it's the school run club, no childminders that pick up from her school, there is one offside A/S club but it has a waiting list and they prioritise children who've attended their nursery which she didn't (she went to a different private nursery). I don't think I could afford a nanny, I use tax free childcare currently.

It does sound really dull especially for younger kids. My kids after school club was main games and craft and running around/ football outside and that up to Y6. I don't see why they are still in bubbles either...

Have you tried asking on grapevine eg parents group, local nursery, someone studying childcare at college if anyone would cover it.
I had one of DD’s classmates every Wednesday for a year or so. I genuinely didn’t mind - made tea and took them to Rainbows. No payment.
Two other classmates had minders - one was a retired lady, other an ex nanny who wanted to be at home in day with own child. It was an easy gig for them pick up one well behaved girl from school and take to activity and drop home - going rate was £10 hour.

The bubbles are due to staffing I think, I know there's only 1 person whose paid to run the actual club, the rest is TAs from the school. That's why they're less strict in the sense that they can leave their bubble to go to the toilet or speak to a teacher but they have to do everything within their bubble.

Childminders I looked into, there isn't one who picks up at the school. I've literally contacted everyone in a 5 mile radius of the school, they either pick up from other schools or don't take children older than 4, a few said they'd take her if I could arrange for her to be bought to them after school which just adds another layer of hassle.

Honestly that's a good deal she has, my dc used to do til 545 3 nights pw in similar - if she's bored she needs to take something in that she likes doing on her own.

Just stick with it, she does the wrap around and then she gets two nights of activities, or she doesn't do the activities?

I would not feel bad at all. Plenty of dc at the kids' school are in care til 6pm 3 or 4 evenings a week.

It’s probably area dependent. Do you have any Friends or neighbours with sensible teen daughters. Obviously depends on how close secondary school or college is if it’s feasible but a sensible 16 year old collecting twice a week would be fine if everything walkable.

My two do 2 nights at ASC. My eldest has never been a big fan.

I point out a) there are kids there 5 nights a week so if it is so awful she should be glad she is not them b) I work to earn money for nice things like food c) something being boring isn't the worst thing in the world and no-one has ever literally died of boredom

Tough love here I'm afraid. I wouldn't swap the reliability of ASC for another arrangement I'm afraid, same reason we used nursery rather than a cm.

I've got the same problem in that my DS in Year 3 hates breakfast club, he had to go 3 days a week. I then managed to pull him out for the final half term as I work odd hours, and he told me he was upset not to be going! I think sometimes you just can't win. It does sound boring but that isn't necessarily a really bad thing. I would encourage her to take her own stuff to do and just have it as quiet time. More children she knows might join at any time.

You need to be really clear that this isn't a choice or an option. She simply has to do it so you can work and pay the bills.

When she's in year 6 she will be able to walk herself home and not go.

But until then this is simply life.

She can take a book and just read for an hour, or do her homework and get it out of the way.

In life everyone has to do things they don't want to do but are just necessary.

Don't get emotional, don't apologise. Just repeat that it's a reality.

Could she take a kids magazine or a colouring book and pencils so she can do something a bit more fun? It sounds you've investigated the options so I'd just say she needs to carry on. Getting her homework is no bad thing as it frees up time when you're at home.

It's a shame that they aren't providing anything for the kids to do. Our local after-school club has loads of toys and crafts for the kids, and an outdoor space to play.

Can she bring things to do with her? Books, comics, crafty stuff, drawing materials? Do they at least provide a snack or can the kids bring one?

I agree with a previous poster though that it'll help her develop life skills/cope with less-than-perfect situations. It sounds like she's perfectly safe but just bored and a bit uncomfortable.

It's only for a couple hours twice a week. It sounds manageable. Don't beat yourself up. Even though there's stuff to do at my son's after-school club, he still goes through phases of disliking it and he's only there once a week at the moment! Kids need to learn that they can't always have tailor-made environments.

Just to add - most of us can't cope without childcare. It doesn't make you a failure! Our society is not set up to properly support families, so it always feels like an individual failing (it's not!).

And kids tend to be quite extreme when it comes to their feelings. One day they'll say they hate so-and-so and the next day they're playing with them. It's our job to help them see the bigger picture and learn to cope. We don't always have to jump in and 'rescue' them whenever they appear to be having a slightly rubbish time.