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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Make me feel better about sending my DD to wraparound

45 replies

MumGuiltIsReal · 26/05/2022 17:07

DD is 7, almost 8, Year 3.

She goes to wraparound 2 nights a week at school. She hates it. Apparently theres only one Year 3 who goes and they’re still bubbled up so he’s in a bubble with his Year 1 and 5 siblings.

DD is in the Year 3 and 4 bubble – bubbles aren’t as strict in the sense that they can switch bubbles now but they’re expected to do everything at wraparound with their bubble she doesn’t really like the Year 4s in her bubble, they’re not horrible or anything from what I can tell she just is quite shy and quiet around new people so doesn’t really talk to them.

The wraparound is pretty boring, even pre-covid it was mostly doing homework or colouring occasionally if they have the staff and the weathers ok they do play on the playground but that’s about it.

January to Easter she did an activity club at school 1 night a week, loved it but it only runs in the Spring Term so she had to go back to wraparound as the clubs running for Year 3 are on other nights.

She knows that by going these 2 nights to wraparound it means on another 2 nights a week she’s able to go to other activities she does enjoy because I can finish work in time to take her as I finish later on the two nights she’s in wraparound.

But still again last night she’s come out crying saying she was bored, she hates it and made me feel very guilty because none of her friends are there.

I’m a single parent, ExH has contact but not in the week (through his own choice) so I’m trying my best to give her everything.

She’s even offered to give up one of her activities if it meant she didn’t have to go to A/S club but I know the reality will be her moaning about that too.
So make me feel better and less of a failure because my marriage failed and I can’t now cope without childcare. She says she literally hates it and doesn't want to go ever again and I just feel so guilty for her.

She's only there until 5pm but is one of the last to go home as well, in the winter she says it feels like midnight.

OP posts:

Classicblunder · 27/05/2022 10:01

This is going to sound a bit harsh but it's four hours a week, it's really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things that she gets a bit bored and doesn't like the other kids there that much.

Stop feeling guilty and don't imply to her that it's something she gets to negotiate about, it is just what has to be done.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 27/05/2022 10:12

I’m with PP - I’d make a trip to Sainsburys etc for a magazine, nice snack or something but bottom line I’d be expecting her to get on with it.

Stompythedinosaur · 27/05/2022 10:19

You are doing the best you can for your family. It won't harm dc to have to do things that they don't love a few times a week.

I've always been honest with my dc - I have to work so they have to go to childcare. But my work is how we pay for the things we need.

Trytryandtryagain11 · 27/05/2022 10:26

Ah I feel for you OP and for her. My mum was a single mum, and I had to go to afterschool club and like your daughter I HATED it at the time and my mum felt so guilty. Looking back, I have so much respect for my mum making it all work and I do not feel AT ALL hard done by for having to go. with the benefit of now being a grown up, understanding the types of decisions she had to make and what she was earning I'm so proud of her for doing it all and also making sure I was looked after. I think it's just 'one of those things' like you're not going to 100% love every moment of your life and that's kind of ok, because she has other nights she loves and a fantastic mummy trying her best which is a LOT more than can be said for lots of kiddies xxxxx

beechhues · 27/05/2022 10:39

Yes, 100 percent - learning to feel and deal with boredom, anger, frustration and that not every situation is ideal and there are trade offs is so important.

Most of the kids including mine who do more time at ASC than that have partners

weaselish · 27/05/2022 13:58

Don't feel guilty, needs must and all that. My daughter dislikes breakfast club. But I have to go to work, so it's kind of tough luck! She takes her own book and it's only 45 mins 3 days a week. I would be very bright and breezy "oh well, sorry about that, but it's only two days, let's choose a book or some puzzles to take with you". Don't apologise too much to your daughter or she'll pick up on it and keep bringing it up - you're doing your very best and it's hardly that bad for her.

The3Ls · 27/05/2022 14:24

I was your daughter as a child. Mum would often day "it means you can do such and such" I'd have given them up at the drop of a hat if it meant I didn't have to go to wrap around. But mum never seemed too believe that this. I didn't no like it was a b it t a grumpy but did get over it. As soon as old enough I walked home. Could she walk to a childminder s no in another year or so? My mum gave me an end date and that helped a lot. I bent over backwards so my kids hardly went by it they loved it haha. Though my kids one was cool yours does sound a bit dull to be fair

neverbeenskiing · 27/05/2022 14:46

You have nothing to feel guilty for. It's a couple of hours, 2 nights a week. Plenty of kids go to ASC 5 nights a week and cope just fine. Yes, it's boring but there are much worse things than boredom. Your DD is old enough to understand that some things in life are non-negotiable, and that you working to provide for her is one of them.

I work with teenagers, OP and you can tell the ones who have grown up being constantly entertained, never having to deal with boredom, frustration or disappointment because as soon as they say they don't like something their parents move mountains to make it go away. It does them no favours in the long run, believe me.

GlitteryGreen · 27/05/2022 14:48

I wouldn't worry too much about this OP, she's not having an awful time, she's just bored and reluctant to chat with the others. Presumably she could join in with her bubble if she wanted to, and that's up to her.

After school until 5pm is barely any time, 2 hours max - if she really doesn't want to chat or play with the others she can take a book/colouring with her. By the time she's done any homework she probably only has an hour left, if not less.

You're doing what's best for both of you, and this way she gets to do the activities she enjoys, which is more important than having a couple of extra hours sat at home after school twice a week.

CancelledAgain · 27/05/2022 14:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 27/05/2022 14:59

I have both my kids in creche more or less full time, and will be using after school club when they start school. I feel no guilt as nearly all my time off is spent with them. When my eldest doesn't want to go to creche I tell them that I have to go to work to pay for all the nice things they want. My parents think that they are too young to hear this but I think the earlier they understand the better.
This is the world we live I and if I was a millionaire I could show them the world from my arms, but I'm not so all I can do is my best. I have no doubt you are doing your best so don't be guilted into feeling like a bad mom. Remember its better that they live in a single parent household with lots of love than one where there is arguing and tension. Life is hard enough, give yourself a break. A few days in wrap around isn't the end of the world x.

Testina · 27/05/2022 15:03

This is life, and it’s hardly any time at all, 2 hours 2x a week?

I agree with the poster who said make it clear that it’s not open for negotiable.

Which doesn’t mean you can’t sympathise.
Is she a reader, or crafter, or art lover?
Perhaps you can teach her to knit (I’d have to teach myself first 🙈) and she could make a scarf. A prison scarf - see how long it gets before she’s Y6 and walking home, if you’re close enough?

Is she the kind of kid that likes a job? If so perhaps you can talk to the leader and she could sharpen pencils or put out breadsticks.

Children generally have to spend time bored at some point. She’ll have friends with siblings who have to sit through yet another dull gymnastics class, waiting for Milly to finish…

Don’t feel guilty for her not living her nest life every last minute!

Sparkle123r · 27/05/2022 15:17

My daughter hates going and she's in year 6. It is what it is. I have to work and there is no one else to pick her up so there's no other option. I just let her moan now and don't really enter into discussion. It's only a couple of days a week so I would explain that there is no discussion to be had, that she is going as you need to work to allow her to do her others clubs and pay the bills etc. She's old enough to understand the reality.

Maybe ask the school if they can reconsider the bubbles aspect, given there are no more covid restrictions 🤷

nearlyspringyay · 27/05/2022 15:18

Why on earth are they still in bubbles?

I agree it is what it is, unless you can change her to a childminder.

Dinoteeth · 27/05/2022 15:27

That's sounds nuts they are still in Bubbles.

My own kids afterschool were clear at the beginning, they don't do homework and don't want kids doing homework. So it's 2 hours of what is basically a great big play date, football, games in the hall, scooters in the playground, lego, k'nex, board games. And they have a couple of consoles to keep it interesting.

I'd have a chat and see if they can liven the whole thing up a bit.

balalake · 27/05/2022 15:31

Have a conversation with the school so they are aware, focus with her on the things you are able to do because you work the hours you do.

I assume a conversation with exH to assist one day a week is not an option?

Danascully2 · 27/05/2022 16:31

Try not to feel guilty or be apologetic otherwise she will pick up on it as others have said. I have two and both of them at times have to do things that are boring to accommodate the other or mine/husband's jobs. Also I think it's part of human nature for the grass to be greener and that includes children. I know some parents whose children complain about wraparound/holiday club, while mine complain that they want to go to holiday club more (I have a flexible job so don't need it and can't justify the cost just for fun). They have to accommodate my evening work and don't always like that. So I think children will find something to complain about whatever their situation.

Also I can totally believe a lack of childminders. Our area is really short of childcare in general, especially proper work childcare rather than term time only, and several childminders have given up recently.

kierenthecommunity · 27/05/2022 17:42

I can also believe in a lack of childminders. Our lovely ASC closed due to covid as so many people continued to WFH after lockdown. My DS ended up going to one at a nursery next door to school which he didn’t enjoy as much

However he’s now old enough to walk home by himself (they allow it in Y5 at his school) so we can finally cancel it. Feels like the end of an era though!

RidingMyBike · 27/05/2022 17:49

Have you given feedback to the club about the provision? If it's a business they'll want to keep going and make sure they're doing things to attract new children! Perhaps that's why there aren't many her age there? Are they aware how she feels about it? My DD loved ASC at her old school which also ran a holiday club, but came out of holiday club at our new location saying she'd not enjoyed it. It emerged she'd wanted to do art and craft and they hadn't done. We checked with the staff, who said she'd only got to ask and they'd have got out a whole array of art and craft stuff! But she hadn't mentioned it! From then on it was fine and an avalanche of artwork came home each day...

underneaththeash · 27/05/2022 17:49

It doesn't sound like there's a choice. Just give her something to do when she's there - Baker Ross do some craft things, or even a sticker book.

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